Community (TV Series)
Paradigms of Human Memory (2011)
Joel McHale: Jeff Winger
Photos
Quotes
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[Abed sneaks through the cafeteria dressed as "The Cape", uses his cape to drag Jeff's dinner onto the floor, and runs away]
Jeff Winger : The show's gonna last three weeks!
Abed Nadir : Six seasons and a movie!
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Jeff Winger : We've known each other for almost two years now. And yeah, in that time I've given a lot of speeches, but they all have one thing in common: they're all different. These drug runners aren't going to execute Pierce because he's racist. It's a locomotive that runs on *us*. And the only sharks in that water... Are the emotional ghosts that I like to call fear. Anchovies. Fear. And the dangers of ingesting mercury. Because the real bugs aren't the ones in those beds. And there's no such thing as a free Caesar salad. And even if there were... The Cape might still find a second life on cable. And I'll tell you why. El corazon del agua es verdad. That water is a lie! Harrison Ford is irradiating our testicles with microwave transmissions! So maybe we *are* caught in an endless cycle of screw-ups and hurt feelings, but I choose to believe that it's just the universe's way of molding us into some kind of super group.
Troy Barnes : Like the Traveling Wilburys!
Jeff Winger : Yes, Troy. Like the Traveling Wilburys of pain, prepared for any insane adventure life throws our way. I don't know about you, but I'm looking forward to every one of them.
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Troy Barnes : Didn't we decide at the beginning of the year that for the good of the group we wouldn't allow any intimacy between each other or ourselves?
Jeff Winger : Troy, we never said ourselves.
Troy Barnes : Okay, now I'm really mad!
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Jeff Winger : Abed, you're a computer. Scan your mainframe for juicy memories!
Abed Nadir : [Abed stares impassively at Jeff for several seconds as Jeff becomes more uncomfortable] Jeff and Britta have been having secret sex!
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Jeff Winger : You guys remember when we had to fill in for Glee Club?
[Flashback scene of Annie, Troy and Shirley singing]
Annie Edison : Guys, that's not a fond memory.
Jeff Winger : We won, like, seventy awards!
Annie Edison : Yeah, but the reason we had to fill in for Glee Club was because they... died. Their bus crashed.
Jeff Winger : I know, but I was remembering around that part.
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Jeff Winger : Okay, so we hooked up a few times, but there's a much larger issue here. We are friends with a grown man that clearly believes in leprechauns.
[Jeff motions to Abed, Abed looks toward Pierce, Pierce looks confused and points to himself, Abed nods in agreement]
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Troy Barnes : Well, I guess we can get through anything. So it's probably okay if you and Britta want to keep, you know, hooking up.
Shirley Bennett : I don't mind it so much.
Abed Nadir : I'm cool with it.
Shirley Bennett : God cares.
Abed Nadir : Have fun tonight.
Annie Edison : Walk with me...
Pierce Hawthorne : Uh huh.
Britta Perry : So... guess we don't have to keep sneaking around anymore.
Jeff Winger : Yeah, I guess not.
Britta Perry , Jeff Winger : [unison] You wanna stop doing this?
Britta Perry , Jeff Winger : [unison] Yeah.
Jeff Winger : It's not you, it's me.
Britta Perry : It's you.
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Abed Nadir : Why would I want to be in a school that hates Christmas?
Jeff Winger : He's got a point. Kidding. What are you doing later? How about some holiday benefits?
Britta Perry : Hey... ixnay in front of uncan-day.
Professor Ian Duncan : Hmm.
