- Agent Robin Vohlers: Abed Nadir, I'm Special Agent Robin Vohlers. This is Special Agent Keenlan of the Secret Service. Will you submit to a search of your personal belongings?
- Abed Nadir: Sure.
- [Agent Keenlan inspects Abed's backpack]
- Agent Robin Vohlers: [pats down Abed] If I may ask, how did you notice the campus was being observed?
- Abed Nadir: Guess I noticed because I'm used to being the only observer.
- Agent Robin Vohlers: Well, we're not used to being noticed.
- Abed Nadir: That sounds a little sad.
- Special Agent Glenn Keenlan: He's clean. Although I could issue a warning for this bootleg of "The Last Airbender."
- Abed Nadir: Where were you a week ago?
- [chuckles]
- Dean Pelton: Pierce, what's your platform?
- Pierce Hawthorne: My platform is one tall enough to push Vicki off of to her death.
- [Vicki looks at Pierce in disgust and runs away]
- Dean Pelton: Vicki? Well, it appears Vicki has dropped out of the race.
- Pierce Hawthorne: Then, so do I. I only entered this to get back at Vicki for not lending me a pencil.
- Troy Barnes: Hey, guys! The final debate!
- Jeff Winger: Yeah, about that. I'm out.
- Annie Edison: Me too. I decided that someone who would do that to a friend doesn't deserve to be president.
- Troy Barnes: Uh, yeah. I know that. You're missing the final debate! It's the biggest political showdown of all time!
- [We see the final debate]
- Magnitude: Pop pop!
- [Leonard blows a raspberry]
- Magnitude: Pop pop!
- [Leonard blows a raspberry]
- Magnitude: Pop pop!
- [Leonard blows a raspberry]
- Magnitude: Pop pop!
- Dean Pelton: What is your platform... Magnitude?
- Magnitude: Pop pop!
- [the crowd laughs]
- Dean Pelton: Same question.
- Magnitude: Same answer: Pop pop!
- Jeff Winger: I'm sorry, Annie. I'm not the worker bee type. I'm more of a silverback gorilla with the claws of a lion, the teeth of a shark, and quiet dignity of a tortoise.
- Jeff Winger: Well, that's an important question. And it's important to students like Jeremy, who told me today that he is majoring in Astronomy and is supporting two children. It's an important question to Maria, who's a beautiful Latina born in Nicaragua, working in the cafeteria. What will I do, dean? Well, these people don't want me to say what I'll do. They want me to do what I'll say.
- Jeff Winger: You should have stayed in the running. You were the only real candidate.
- Annie Edison: Nah. I was just another jerk trying to win a contest. You were right the whole time. I just couldn't admit it until I saw you running away crying.
- Jeff Winger: [sarcastically] Yaaay.
- Annie Edison: I care what you think about me. You know?
- Jeff Winger: Yeah, well, I care what you think about me. That's why this happened.
- Annie Edison: Okay, well... Resolved, then.
- Jeff Winger: Resolved.
- [they hug]
- Annie Edison: You know what? At least worker bees can set aside their egos and join together to support a larger cause.
- Jeff Winger: Oh, right, because politics are all about larger causes. Face it, Annie. Politics are all about ego, popularity, and parlor tricks. Don't kid a lawyer.
- Annie Edison: Well, if I see one, I won't.
- Dean Pelton: We have seven hours to elect a student president. Ah. What am I gonna wear? I mean, I could borrow my sister's Uncle Sam outfit. It's tailored for ladies, but what else can I do on such short notice?
- Jeff Winger: Well, you cannot dress up like Uncle Sam. Or admit you don't have a sister.
- Annie Edison: Resolved, then.
- Jeff Winger: Resolved.
- Pierce Hawthorne: When we seek to destroy others, we often hurt ourself, because it is the self that wants to be destroyed.
- Jeff Winger: Pierce, you're not usually so poignant.
- Troy Barnes: This election's become a real horse race. According to our polls, the campus is almost evenly divided. Now, keep in mind the margin of error is about 98 percent.
- Abed Nadir: Could be higher. We don't even know how to do margins of error. We talked to two people at a vending machine.
- Troy Barnes: Well, I'm being told we're taking a quick break, but stay tuned.
- Abed Nadir: They have to stay tuned. It's closed-circuit television.
- Troy Barnes: Don't know what that means.
- Man: And we're out.
- Troy Barnes: [snaps fingers twice] Can I get an apple juice, please? Freshly squeezed this time, or so help me God, Maurice.
- Jeff Winger: ...Don't apologize. I got what I deserved. I am a gross, jaded adult with control issues that couldn't let a young, bright, idealistic kid run for president.
- Abed Nadir: I'm Abed Nadir saying: Did you know you could make napalm out of common dish soap and cat food?
- Troy Barnes: What? Why would you say that?
- Abed Nadir: Hmm?
- [cut to Biden's motorcade, siren wails]
- Agent Robin Vohlers: [cell phone rings] Vohlers. Hmm, yeah.
- [to Biden]
- Agent Robin Vohlers: I'm sorry sir, we're gonna have to move on to city college. Apparently there's an elevated threat level at Greendale. But don't worry. I'll check it out... personally.
- Joe Biden: Whatever. I just had a dream that I was a regular president.
- Abed Nadir: The vice president is coming. That explains the people I've noticed covertly surveilling the campus this week. Must be Secret Service.
- Jeff Winger: Oh, Abed, will your reality ever come out on Blu-ray so we can enjoy it?
- Janitor: We've been made.
- Pierce Hawthorne: So, I... I... I go into the bathroom with Tom, and uh... and we both, you know, take 'em out. And I say, "Size more? Try size less."
- [cackling]
- Pierce Hawthorne: Ha-ha-ha.
- Jeff Winger: [incredulously under his breath] Wow.
- Troy Barnes: [disheartened] Wow. I wanna go to rehab and compare penises with famous people.
- Pierce Hawthorne: All in good time, kiddo.
- Britta Perry: Democracy, what a ruse. There's no such thing as a system in which the masses hold any kind of...
- Jeff Winger: [interrupting] Everyone wants you to shut up!
- Britta Perry: And yet I won't. Case in point.
- Troy Barnes: No...
- [chuckles and carves 36th tick mark under Notches on the table's box apron]
- Dean Pelton: All right, first up is this fella. Let's go, come on. All right, tell everybody your name.
- Garrett Lambert: Garrett.
- Dean Pelton: Okay, Garrett, and why do you wanna be president?
- Garrett Lambert: I wanted ice cream, so I got in line...
- Dean Pelton: Okay, okay. He wanted ice cream. So, what do we say, gang? Does he make it to the next round? By applause. Oh! We've got our first nominee. All right, the bar has been set. All right, stand to the side. Stand to the side.
- Dean Pelton: All right, let us resume. Star-Burns, we haven't heard from you on this black mold issue.
- Star-Burns: Yeah, I actually withdraw my candidacy. I fear a political career will shine a negative light on my drug dealing. Thank you.
- [audience booes]
- Jeff Winger: Dean, before this election stops being about the issues, I have a question for my opponents. What's your favorite color? Mine's a three-way tie. Red, white and blue.
- [audience cheers and applauds]
- Dean Pelton: Magnitude, a response?
- Magnitude: I think you know, Dean.
- Dean Pelton, Star-Burns, Magnitude, Audience: Pop, pop.
- [audience laughs and applauds]
- Dean Pelton: I set him up.
- Annie Edison: I have an audio-visual presentation, Dean.
- Dean Pelton: Oh, that sounds interesting. What's your presentation?
- Annie Edison: My presentation is a copy of Jeff Winger's 1997 audition tape for MTV's The Real World.
- Jeff Winger: [chuckles] What?
- [shock and fear crease Jeff's face]
- Jeff Winger: What?
- Jeff Winger: We'll see. For my closing statement, I'm thinking about smashing a watermelon with a hammer.
- Annie Edison: Jeff, if I admit politics are stupid, will you stop making them stupid?
- Annie Edison: Jeff, knock it off. You're not running sincerely. You're not even interested in student government.
- Jeff Winger: I know, and yet, the people love me. It's almost as if politics were a huge joke.
- Annie Edison: Okay, look. I'm sorry I asked you to hang my fliers, but I suggest you drop out right now, because not only will I beat you, I will make you cry.
- Jeff Winger: Mmm... Oh, I feel a slight ego blowing in from the east.
- Annie Edison: You're gonna feel my foot blowing in from the south.
- Jeff Winger: Bring it on, Ponce de Leon.
- Annie Edison: I'm gonna, Greg Muldunna. It's a real guy. He owns a mattress store downtown. You can look it up.
- Annie Edison: I have so many ideas for improving the school.
- Jeff Winger: Improving Greendale takes more than ideas, Annie. It takes time, gasoline, matches.
- Abed Nadir: [imitates Carl from Slingblade] Mm. Nice, psshew.
- [carves 23rd tick mark under Classic "Wingers" on the table's box apron]
- Annie Edison: Well, news flash, Jeff, some of us care about more than just fixing our hair and sculpting our abs.
- Jeff Winger: Wow, you got me pegged.
- [carves 8th tick mark under Ab Mentions on the table's box apron]