- Pierce Hawthorne, Shirley Bennett, Abed Nadir, Britta Perry, Jeff Winger, Annie Edison: [cold opening] ... to you!
- Pierce Hawthorne: That was weird. How come we only sang the last two words? What happened to the "happy birthday" part?
- Shirley Bennett: Well, you know Troy's a Jehovah's Witness. He doesn't celebrate birthdays.
- Abed Nadir: Annie and I did our best to keep the language on the cake compliant.
- Troy Barnes: [reading the cake] "Hello during a random dessert, the month and day of which coincide numerically from your expulsion from a uterus."
- [inhales, weepy voice cracks]
- Troy Barnes: You guys. I never cry, but...
- Britta Perry: All right. Happy expulsion, Troy. But after cake, we cram for realsies. Guys, finals are coming up.
- Jeff Winger: Yeah. This group is starting to use special occasions to avoid studying.
- Troy Barnes: I was born in '89.
- Jeff Winger: Then you were born 21 years ago.
- Troy Barnes: Which would make me 20 because everyone is 10 for two years. Because fifth grade is really hard for everyone.
- [Realizes what he's saying]
- Troy Barnes: Mom, how many lies have I been living?
- [Robert watches Abed play Asteroids]
- Robert: Oh, careful. If you score any higher, the Rylans are going to recruit you to fight their war against the Ko-Dan Empire.
- Abed Nadir: The Last Starfighter. Did you get the twenty-fifth anniversary Blu-Ray?
- Robert: Is Scorpius half Scarran/half Peacekeeper? Frell yes, I got Starfighter on Blu-Ray.
- Jeff Winger: [about throwing Troy a party at a bar for his 21st birthday] Think of it as Troy taking his first bath, only the bubbles are his manhood.
- Troy Barnes: Yes. I wanna bathe in manhood.
- Abed Nadir: The first season, when you watch it the second time, is better than the third season. The fourth season, when you watch it the fifth time is equal...
- Robert: Okay, um, what's your name?
- Abed Nadir: Abed.
- [offers his hand to Robert]
- Robert: Abed, I'm Robert.
- [Robert shakes Abed's hand]
- Abed Nadir: Hey, Robert.
- Robert: Abed, would you like to have gay sex with me?
- Abed Nadir: No, thank you.
- Robert: Wow. Okay, so, what is wrong with you, that you can sit here this whole time and never pick up on the fact that a man is hitting on you?
- Abed Nadir: Oh, I actually did pick up on it after a while.
- Robert: You actually... and?
- Abed Nadir: I really, really like talking about Farscape.
- [Robert throws his drink in Abed's face and walks away]
- Abed Nadir: It's a really good show.
- Robert: Stargate's better.
- Jeff Winger: This group is starting to use occasions to avoid studying. Last week we had fondue and played Boggle because Shirley's niece took her first bath.
- Abed Nadir: With bubbles.
- Shirley Bennett: Thank you, it's a milestone.
- Annie Edison: Troy's birthday is tomorrow, December 4th. Also born that day, Tyra Banks, Marisa Tomei and French cinematographer Claude Renoir.
- Troy Barnes: Yes, jackpot.
- Jeff Winger: With an aged Scotch, never use ice.
- Troy Barnes: Never use ice, got it. Why?
- Jeff Winger: Destroys it. At most, what you want, two drops of spring water. Activates the flavor.
- Britta Perry: Good Lord. Do they have the rules to high maintenance poser drinking on the wall at L Street?
- Troy Barnes: Do they?
- Jeff Winger: Poser drinking?
- [Britta smiles flirtatiously]
- Jeff Winger: Hey, Ms. Vodka-Neat-Four-Olives. What's that called? The too-cool-to-care-tini?
- Troy Barnes: Is it?
- [Britta mouths "no"]
- Jeff Winger: The forced starkness of that drink order turns horn-rimmed heads at the Red Door.
- Troy Barnes: I can't wait to understand these arguments!
- Britta Perry: [drunkenly arguing with an equally drunk Jeff] I prefer that to Avatar. I'd rather have my eyes gouged out.
- Jeff Winger: Imagine The Hurt Locker as a radio play.
- Britta Perry: It would be fascinating and thrilling!
- Jeff Winger: Go see the other play!
- Annie Edison: I followed that band Phish, spells it with a P-H. I just lived in parking lots, wherever they played. I don't even like their music, just did it to see if I could. Guess what. I could.
- Bartender: So, what now?
- Annie Edison: I don't know. Even if I planned it, plans just fall off me like chicken crap off an armadillo. Annie's the one that plans things, not me. Annie's my friend. She goes to school here. Thinks she's got it all figured out. She wants to major in health care management. What does that even mean?
- Bartender: No idea.
- Annie Edison: I'll tell you what it means. It means a master's degree. Followed by an internship. She's got the next 15 years of her life all mapped out and all she's gotta do now is just follow it or screw it up.
- Bartender: Another soda?
- Annie Edison: Actually, give me a screwdriver. I got no place to be. What am I... Annie?
- Jeff Winger: Troy. I think I owe you a birthday.
- Troy Barnes: I'm cool. I actually always wanted to drive this thing.
- Jeff Winger: What? Oh, is this my car? Don't crash it.
- Troy Barnes: I'm not gonna crash it.
- Britta Perry: Crash it, Troy.
- Jeff Winger: Go to sleep, Britta, go to sleep.
- Britta Perry: Crash his car, Troy.
- Abed Nadir: This seems like a dark chapter in our story.
- Britta Perry: Go to sleep, Abed.
- Abed Nadir: Cool.
- Britta Perry: Hey, that's the place that we should've gone to tonight.
- Jeff Winger: Yeah, L Street, exactly.
- Britta Perry: That's the Red Door, stupid. Do you see a sign that says L Street?
- Jeff Winger: L Street is too cool to have a sign. It's called L Street after the street it's on.
- Britta Perry: The Red Door is on L Street.
- Jeff Winger: L Street has a red...
- [Jeff and Britta laugh]
- Jeff Winger: [Troy locks the brakes, tires screech] Hey.
- Troy Barnes: It's the same bar? You two have been saying one bar's lame and the other one is awesome all night, and it's the same bar? i
- Britta Perry: Well, he probably goes there on Friday nights, which is lame.
- Jeff Winger: You wish...
- Troy Barnes: Stop, just stop. I just spent the last two years thinking that you guys knew more than me about life, and I just found out that you guys are just as dumb as me.
- Britta Perry: Duh-doy.
- Jeff Winger: Yeah. Duh-doy.
- Troy Barnes: Got it. Duh-doy.
- [chuckles]
- Troy Barnes: Duh-doy.
- [Troy puts car in gear and drives]
- Britta Perry: I gotta go see a woman about the female equivalent of a horse.
- Jeff Winger: Classy. Way to show Troy the ropes.
- Britta Perry: Shut up, L Street.
- Jeff Winger: That woman is a hurricane.
- Troy Barnes: Yeah.
- Jeff Winger: Hurricanes are bad, Troy.
- Troy Barnes: I know.
- Britta Perry: No, wait, wait, wait. What are we doing?
- Jeff Winger: Yeah, what are we doing?
- Britta Perry: This is a bad idea, right?
- Jeff Winger: Yeah.
- Troy Barnes: [Troy gets in the car] Okay. I flew off the handle earlier. I apologize.
- Abed Nadir: They were making out.
- Britta Perry: Abed.
- Jeff Winger: Why the hell would you say that?
- Abed Nadir: Why would you do it in front of me? I'm not a coat rack.
- Troy Barnes: Abed, no one likes a tattletale.
- Britta Perry: Happy birthday, Troy.
- Troy Barnes: Thanks.
- Jeff Winger: You're a man now.
- Annie Edison: So I punched her, right in the face.
- Bartender: Your probation officer? Didn't you get in trouble?
- Annie Edison: Hell, yes, I got in trouble! Wasn't the first time. Won't be the last. I'm not exactly known for my sound judgment. Back in Corpus Christi, they call me Capricious Caroline.
- Bartender: What's capricious mean?
- Annie Edison: It probably means I'm too busy living life to be learning $5 words. Ha-ha! Hot damn!
- Troy Barnes: These pictures must be of all the regulars. You think someday I can make it up to this wall?
- Jeff Winger: I don't say this often, Troy, but... dream a little smaller.
- Shirley Bennett: I... I'm gonna... I'm gonna go take a little look around.
- Annie Edison: Me too.
- Jeff Winger: Annie, don't accept any drinks.
- Britta Perry: Or invitations to the bathroom.
- Shirley Bennett: Let me help you.
- Pierce Hawthorne: I broke my legs, not my gender.
- Shirley Bennett: Okay.
- Bouncer: Hey, hey, Shirley! Welcome back!
- [chuckles]
- Shirley Bennett: [grabs bouncer by the collar and speaks quietly] You don't know me. Hmm?
- [releases bouncer]
- Shirley Bennett: Okay?
- Bouncer: [quietly] Yeah.
- Shirley Bennett: You don't... know me.
- Pierce Hawthorne: Funny, because last week was my birthday and nobody noticed and nobody cared.
- [Shirley looks away]
- Jeff Winger: [Abed, Annie and Britta look to Jeff] Pierce... you don't remember the huge party we threw? We need to talk about those painkillers you're taking because I don't think you remember anything...
- [overlapping comments]
- Britta Perry: That was a huge party, you were like...
- [overlapping comments]
- Annie Edison: The best party of my life
- [overlapping comments]
- Abed Nadir: Nutritious
- [overlapping comments]
- Pierce Hawthorne: Got you!
- [chuckles]
- Pierce Hawthorne: Of course I remember my birthday. What a party.
- Troy Barnes: Yeah, you still owe me for the keg deposit.
- [chuckles]
- Pierce Hawthorne: Oh, you think I don't know that?
- Britta Perry: [through clenched teeth, shakes her head] Troy...
- [Troy nods his head in acknowledgement]
- Jeff Winger: Troy.
- [Jeff smiles and gives thumbs up]
- Jeff Winger: [Troy reciprocates]
- Annie Edison: [Annie's waiting tables] Hey, y'all. 'Nother round for ya. Everybody holding up? I'll be back in two shakes of a rabbit's ass.
- Jeff Winger: Who the hell was that?