- Stan Smith: [simultaneously demonstrating with a rifle] Steve, shooting a gun is like being intimate with a woman. First, you inspect it to make sure it's clean. Then you grab it on the butt and jam the magazine in. If it doesn't fit, make it.
- Roger the Alien: Poor Ned Beatty. He can he can play Rudy's dad all he wants, but when we look at him, all we see is him getting rammed in the woods.
- Bob Todd: [about Santa Claus] I'm going to shoot that fat turd in the belly.
- Santa Claus: I heard that, Bob Todd.
- Bob Todd: I hope you did, you butt licker!
- Jeff Fischer: Three days till Christmas! Mr. S., I have to mail my letter to Santa. I'm asking for an authentic polar bear helmet from the movie "Golden Compass."
- Stan Smith: You're a golden dumbass!
- Stan Smith: [to Hayley about Jeff] Just because you married him doesn't make him a part of my family.
- Hayley Smith: Actually, it does, Dad, and you need to accept that.
- Stan Smith: Hayley, the only thing I have to accept is that socially I can't wear mascara even though it makes my eyes pop like firecrackers.
- Francine Smith: I'm starting a new Christmas tradition.
- Stan Smith: What was wrong with our old traditions? Like letting homeless people smell our napkins after Christmas dinner?
- Francine Smith: On "The View", they said we could try the Dutch custom of putting presents in wooden clogs. Barbara Walters said it and she had an affair with a married black senator. So, you know, she doesn't drive in the slow lane.
- Jeff Fischer: Hey, Mr. S., I'll go shooting with you guys, too.
- Stan Smith: [covers his eyes] Jeff, I am trying to have a bonding experience with my son. You are not my son. You are no part of this family and when I open my eyes, you better be gone, okay? I don't want to see a trace of you.
- [opens his eyes and sees Jeff still in the room]
- Santa Claus: I'm coming for you, Smiths! Hyah!
- Steve Smith: How did he find us?
- Jeff Fischer: Oh. I wrote him a letter telling him where he can deliver our presents.
- Stan Smith: He's trying to kill us, you moron! You gave away our hiding spot!
- Hayley Smith: Dad, stop it. He didn't know.
- Stan Smith: He doesn't know anything! He's super dumb, Hayley. Jeff, please leave my family alone forever. Will you do me that kindness?
- Hayley Smith: Dad!
- Stan Smith: [as Jeff sadly leaves the cabin] He understood. It's a Christmas miracle.
- Jeff Fischer: Does your family always have such messed-up Christmases?
- Stan Smith: Yeah, Jeff. And now you do, too.
- Bob Todd: Ooh. That'll make some nice venison. Mm-hmm. I'm gonna cook y'all a hell of a meal today. Right after me and this here reindeer make sweet, tender love. Merry Christmas, everybody!