- Moe Szyslak: [Jumping to try to kiss Katy Perry] I guess I'll just have to kiss your belly button.
- [Kisses her midsection]
- Katy Perry: That's not my belly button. I didn't say stop.
- Homer Simpson: Mr. Burns! What are you doing here?
- Mr. Burns: I got a visit from three Christmas spirits.
- Abe Simpson: [on a balcony with Jasper] I wish this show got a visit from three new writers.
- [He and Jasper laugh]
- Abe Simpson: Well, it looks like this'll finally kill it.
- Jasper: The Simpsons?
- Abe Simpson: No, Christmas.
- Marge Simpson: This tree reminds me of your father. It's round in the middle, thinning on top, and your hands are sticky when you touch it.
- Mr. Burns: You lied to me. Release the hounds.
- [Dogs bark at a distance]
- Mr. Burns: They'll be here any minute now.
- [a sock puppet dog appears]
- Sock Puppet Dog: We, uh, spent all the money on Katy Perry.
- Katy Perry: Aw, looks like someone needs a hug.
- [Hugs and kisses Mr. Burns]
- Mr. Burns: I kissed a girl, and I liked it.
- Martha Claus: You boys want to play soldier?
- Bart Simpson: I can't think of a better way to celebrate Jesus' birthday.
- [Martha puts poker stands on Bart's and Milhouse's heads, then wraps red tape around their bodies]
- Milhouse Van Houten: I don't think I like where this is going.
- Martha Claus: [Wraps tape over Milhouse's and Bart's mouths] I don't think anyone asked your opinion.
- Agnes Skinner: How come you're not off fighting like a real man?
- Homer Simpson: I'm too fat to fit in a foxhole.
- Homer Simpson: Hey, I thought you didn't want a Christmas tree.
- Lisa Simpson: I didn't at first, but this tree is to remind us of mom. It serves as a reminder that someday this war will be over.
- Homer Simpson: And someday TV will be invented, and it will be free, at first.
- Lisa Simpson: Until then, this tree will stand for mom and everything she stands for: hope, family, and sweeping up dried needles.
- Bart Simpson: Isn't this the busy season? Where are the other elves?
- Milhouse Van Houten: Laid off.
- Nelson Muntz: Ever since NAFTA, all the jobs have been going to the South Pole.
- Homer Simpson: Don't worry. I'm sure if something happened to your mother, they would have told us.
- Pimple-faced Teen: Telegram!
- Homer Simpson: D'oh!
- [reads telegram]
- Homer Simpson: "Marge Simpson is now MIA"? Oh, no! She changed her name to Mia!
- Pimple-faced Teen: No, that means she's missing in action.
- [Homer cries]
- Lisa Simpson: See? Everytime we get a tree, something bad happens.
- [runs away]
- Homer Simpson: I wish it were me instead of her!
- Pimple-faced Teen: There's still time. The recruitment office is right...
- Homer Simpson: Shut up.