- Marge Simpson: You've destroyed our son's self-esteem.
- Homer Simpson: Well, it was your idea to give him self-esteem in the first place.
- Dr. Zander: Homer, to emphasize the seriousness of this situation, I'm going to turn my chair around backwards.
- Homer Simpson: [screams]
- Dr. Zander: Bart, I'm trying to get you to feel something for your father!
- Bart Simpson: I feel something for him. Here it comes.
- [he belches]
- Dr. Zander: Why, you little...!
- [strangling him]
- Dr. Zander: Ooh, this is a tough neck. Oh, it's so strong. It's like an oak.
- Homer Simpson: You see? You see how that boy pushes your buttons?
- Dr. Zander: We'll talk when he's dead!
- Dr. Zander: Wait a minute! You strangle your own son?
- Homer Simpson: Yeah, strangling. I'ts not the only tool in my parenting arsenal, but it's the sharpest.
- Homer Simpson: But I don't want to go to parenting class. All the other neglectful parents will make fun of me. They're so cliquey.
- Marge Simpson: You'll be all right. You always are.
- Homer Simpson: Oh, I miss my friends from drunk driving class. They were so cool.
- Homer Simpson: Doctor, you made me see my life of through Bart's neck.
- Dr. Zander: Homer, you've made a lot of progress. I'm sure with a few years of biweekly sessions, I'm sure...
- Homer Simpson: Uh, I lied about having health insurance.
- Dr. Zander: And you're cured.
- Dr. Zander: You're serious? You mean you lay your hands on your son's neck?
- Homer Simpson: Yeah. I guess it's the way I was brought up.
- [Flashback to Homer as a boy]
- Grampa Simpson: Homer, your grades are a disgrace. No more TV for a month.
- Homer Simpson: Why you little...
- [Strangles Grampa]
- Marge Simpson: So whatever you did to my husband was too effective.
- Dr. Zander: Yes, one of the most common complaints about therapy.
- Homer Simpson: I couldn't quit drinking any more than I could quit being a man.
- [Pours from a flask into his orange juice and drinks it]
- Homer Simpson: Ah, now it feels like morning.
- Bart Simpson: Can't talk now. Texting.
- Moe Szyslak: Ooh, a text. Heh. Let's see... text message for I.M. A. Weiner. As you can all see, I.M. A. Weiner.
- Barney Gumble: [the barflies all laugh] I see it, Moe!
- Moe Szyslak: Why you... when I...
- [texting]
- Moe Szyslak: "When I a hold of you..." Oh, damn it, I typed a 'F' and not a 'D'. Uh... delete, delete, delete, delete. Oh, crap, I just donated $20 to Haiti.
- Marge Simpson: Homer, the game is right here.
- [points to football field inside stadium]
- Homer Simpson: [chuckles] Oh, that's right! I hope you kids are enjoying yourselves today, because you and your children will be paying for this place long after the team moves to another city.
- Carl Carlson: [Trying to shoot down Mr. Burns' hot-air balloon] I can't do it. A balloon saved my arteries, I couldn't shoot down his cousin.
- Mr. Burns: Simpson, you saved my life. Anything you want, just mention it.
- Homer Simpson: All your money and all your stuff.
- Mr. Burns: Lower and likelier.
- Homer Simpson: Super Bowl tickets? Playoff tickets? Regular season tickets on Bobblehead day?
- Mr. Burns: No-head day!
- Edna Krabappel: Bart Simpson. What would your father say if he knew what you were doing?
- Bart Simpson: He'd say, "I'm a grown man who's scared of my son."
- Edna Krabappel: I find that hard to believe.
- Bart Simpson: Oh yeah? Look.
- [points to Homer]
- Homer Simpson: [writing "I'm a grown man who's afraid of his own son" on chalkboard] How many more, sir?
- Bart Simpson: Fill the board, then wash my car.
- [Tosses set of keys at Homer]
- Homer Simpson: But these are my keys!
- Bart Simpson: What was that?
- Homer Simpson: My keys... ter is ready for another whooping, sir.