- Rachel Berry: Why did you bring me here? Is there a sale at Claire's?
- Noah 'Puck' Puckerman: I brought you here to knock some sense into you. You won't listen to me, you won't listen to Finn...
- Kurt Hummel: But you will listen to Barbra Streisand. Thanks Puck, I'll take it from here. Nice effort, but only I can lead this Barbravention.
- Rachel Berry: Is she here?
- Kurt Hummel: No, this is the mall in Ohio.
- Emma Pillsbury: Being a ginger has plagued me my entire life. People say that I smell like copper, can get sunburned indoors at night, and according to recent legend I have no soul.
- Will Schuester: [after Finn and Mike finish their song and dance number] All right, Finn! Perfect! See, guys, someone who's not afraid to point out something they're really bad at.
- Finn Hudson: But I'm getting better, right?
- [Will doesn't answer, neither does the other members]
- Santana Lopez: [to Karofsky] Why don't you just settle down and let Auntie Tana here tell you a little story. It's about you. You're what we call a "late in life" gay. You're going to stay in the closet, get married, get drunk to have relations with your wife, have a couple kids, maybe become a state senator or a deacon, and then get caught in the men's room tapping your foot with some paige. And you know what? I accept that about you.
- Santana Lopez: Can we all just stop lying about how there aren't any things we would change about ourselves? I mean, I'm sure Sam's been at the doctor's office and rifled through pamphlets on mouth reduction. I'll bet Artie's thought about getting his legs removed since he's not really using them anyways. And I'm definitely sure Tina's looked into an eye de-slanting.
- Tina Cohen-Chang: That's extraordinarily racist.
- Santana Lopez: I'm just keepin' it real.
- Tina Cohen-Chang: I'm in love with myself and I would never change a thing.
- Mike Chang: Is that why you're wearing blue contacts today, Tina? Self-hatin' Asian.
- Santana Lopez: The only straight I am is straight up bitch.