- Axl Heck: You know it's your fault she doesn't know. You said I couldn't text, and doing it in person is hard. I'm very sensitive.
- Frankie Heck: Well, Mr. Sensitive, she already bought a purple dress, so you're taking her!
- Axl Heck: I can't! Not with the second wave about to crash. You know, when the hot girls break up with their prom dates and are back on the market, desperate to go with anyone. And that's where I come in. "Hello, ladies", heh-heh.
- Frankie Heck: Heh-heh, well, "goodbye, ladies", 'cause you already got a date. Heh-heh.
- Axl Heck: Oh my God! You care about some girl you don't even know having a good time than your own son.
- Frankie Heck: Are you my own son? Because I didn't know my son was a jerk!
- Axl Heck: Well, that's where you're wrong!
- Frankie Heck: Axl, you don't know who you asked?
- Axl Heck: I had a system. Go down a list of chicks, text them one by one - but you got me this cheap phone with tiny buttons, so I texted some random Ashley girl by mistake, who said yes, and I don't even know who she is. Way to go, Mom.
- Axl Heck: No! Weird Ashley? No way. I can't take Weird Ashley to prom.
- Sean Donahue: How was she even in your phone?
- Axl Heck: She tutored me for a couple of weeks in math last year. I got a "C", so not only is she weird, she's dumb, too.
- Reverend TimTom: [singing] "It's tough being a parent. It's hard being Mom and Dad. It's hard being a parent, you wonder why kids do the things they do. Well, I said it before and I'll say it some more, remember, Jesus was a teenager, too. Mary wondered if he'd be okay, But he turned out to be a super nice guy in every way. He did, yeah. It's hard being a parent. It's the toughest job you'll ever do, and it's the most rewarding, too. Remember how they used to spit up on you? Don't worry this will pass, too. Yeah, it's hard being a parent."
- Frankie Heck: Ashley, your dress is so interesting.
- Ashley: It's more of a wizard's robe. I'm really into wizards.
- Mike Heck: Oh right. Like "Harry Potter".
- Ashley: Who?