- [Wednesday enters holding a red balloon]
- Morticia Addams: Strange, there's usually a murderous clown attached to the other end of these...
- [at a gloomy, haunted mental asylum]
- Morticia Addams: It's hideous!
- Gomez Addams: It's horrible!
- Morticia Addams, Gomez Addams: It's home!
- Morticia Addams: [Wednesday doesn't come home after her first day of school] It's late.
- Gomez Addams: Wednesday can take care of herself.
- Morticia Addams: It's not Wednesday I'm worried about, it's all the others. We may have to provide an alibi.
- Wednesday Addams: Pugsley's gone.
- Morticia Addams: I know that tone, Wednesday, dig up your brother.
- Wednesday Addams: We're weakening the gene pool.
- Spirit of the House: GET OUT!
- Morticia Addams: Oh, you're always so grumpy before your morning coffee.
- Pugsley Addams: Dad, has anybody ever failed the Mazurka?
- Gomez Addams: Only one: your third cousin Zander.
- Pugsley Addams: Never heard of him.
- Gomez Addams: Exactly!
- Wednesday Addams: [when entering the school for the first time] Ah, now I understand. This is a children's prison.
- Gomez Addams: Tastes like cotton candy.
- Morticia Addams: How do you know what cotton candy tastes like?
- Gomez Addams: Tish, it was my youth. I made mistakes!
- Morticia Addams: If I'd known you were coming I could've made up the dungeon.
- Uncle Fester: Don't worry about me, I can just sleep in the attic and you'll never even know I'm here.
- [laughs slyly]
- Uncle Fester: I've practiced that move in a lot of houses.
- Gomez Addams: [kissing] Your hand is as cold as a dead fish!
- Morticia Addams: My love, that IS a dead fish.
- Gomez Addams: [to Pugsley] Hand over all your explosives, and the TNT, and the M-80s, and the Roman candles...
- Wednesday Addams: [singsong voice] What's so great about being yourself, when you can be like everyone else?
- Morticia Addams: Don't you dare talk to your mother like that, Wednesday.
- Parker: You don't have a cell phone? That is so weird.
- Wednesday Addams: I may not have a... cell-phone, but you don't have a crossbow, and I thought everybody did.
- Wednesday Addams: How I wish something would lighten up this already tedious day.
- [a tree throws Pugsley through a window]
- Wednesday Addams: Thanks for trying, Ichabod.
- Wednesday Addams: Parker's the daughter of that mannequin woman. She says she goes to a school called ju-noir high.
- Gomez Addams: Ju-noir high? Ah, I have read about those in my Abnormal Psychology journals.
- Wednesday Addams: Uncle Fester can come and go as he pleases.
- Uncle Fester: Well not exactly, there *are* restrictions. I'm not allowed to go into a mall, the zoo, a building...
- Morticia Addams: Wednesday, when you're all grown up you can travel all you want, but for now it's safer here.
- Wednesday Addams: [sighs] Come, Socrates.
- [leaves the table]
- Uncle Fester: [still talking] South America, China, Europe, Asia... I AM allowed in Antarctica.
- Wednesday Addams: What goes on at your school?
- Parker: Not much. Friends turning against each other, girls making other girls feel bad about themselves, you know, typical junior high.
- Wednesday Addams: Fascinating. Is anybody allowed to go?
- Parker: I guess so, but why would you want to?
- [Pugsley drinks from a dog bowl]
- Morticia Addams: Pugsley, don't drink it all. This gentleman wants some too.
- Gomez Addams: [looking through the gift basket] Rasp-berry preserves... must be some kind of scented embalming fluid.
- Wednesday Addams: Ms. Gravely, you put your underwear in the freezer.
- Ms. Gravely: [defensively] It's refreshing... what're you looking at?
- Wednesday Addams: Trudy Pickering, you sit on the toilet backward.
- Trudy Pickering: Well, where else am I supposed to put my arms? How do you know that anyway?
- Wednesday Addams: I think that woman is deranged. Her face reminds me of a death mask.
- Uncle Fester: Deranged? Death mask? If you say she has halitosis, it's a love match!
- Wednesday Addams: No one torments my family but me. Hair clip.
- Parker: Uh... okay?
- Wednesday Addams: [picks the lock on the door] Cage School 101.
- Gomez Addams: The fog's lifting!
- Morticia Addams: But that's impossible, unless...
- Gomez Addams: Someone's drained the marsh! But who?
- Morticia Addams: [gasps] A town. This isn't good.
- Gomez Addams: We'll have to go introduce ourselves.
- Morticia Addams: It's that Margaux woman. It appears she's worked everybody up into a crazed mob.
- Gomez Addams: Well I must say, I admire her work.
- Uncle Fester: [after having watched a sickening song and dance routine in a public park] Excuse me, I just tooted.
- Gomez Addams: Blow F6, Pugsley. Fire in the hole!
- Pugsley Addams: Yes!
- Uncle Fester: [inside a bathtub] You sunk my battleship.
- Gomez Addams: Well done, Pugsley!
- Uncle Fester: [to Margaux] Let me put it this way: you've got a lot of homes you need to get rid of, and I've got a lot of family I want to get rid of.
- Wednesday Addams: Tomorrow you'll become a man, and I'll be a fugitive. Farewell, Pugsley.
- Pugsley Addams: I always kind of knew it'd end like this, I just didn't think it would be this soon.
- Uncle Fester: [to Margaux] Who'd ever think a man like me, a total zero, would wind up with you, also a zero?
- Parker: My mom must've built hidden cameras into everybody's homes.
- Wednesday Addams: I believe the word is psychotic.