- Britta Perry: [Pitying herself] Knock, knock. Who's there? Cancer. Oh good, come on in, I thought it was Britta!
- Annie Edison: Well, well, well. Look who we found.
- Jeff Winger: Yes, how foolish of me to hide in my regularly scheduled study group.
- Annie Edison: The name's Annie Edison, but people call me Psycho 'cause I had a nervous breakdown in high school. My partner's a Christian housewife. How can we help you?
- Troy Barnes: We really appreciate you doing this.
- Jeff Winger: Sure.
- Abed Nadir: And three, two, one.
- Troy Barnes, Abed Nadir: [singing] Troy and Abed in the morning!
- [looking into camera]
- Troy Barnes: And we're back. Look who's here, Jeff Winger.
- Abed Nadir: Jeff, how do you stay so fit?
- [cheesy smile and nods to camera]
- Jeff Winger: Uh... Diet, exercise, genetics.
- [Abed and Troy laugh patronizingly]
- Abed Nadir: Sure, sure.
- Troy Barnes: Okay. So it seems we have a clip. You wanna set up for us?
- Jeff Winger: [confusion creases Jeff's brow as he glances around] Uh, I'd like to but I don't know what you're talking about.
- Abed Nadir: Okay, we'll just roll it.
- [pats Jeff on the knee, points to the camera, Abed and Troy look into the camera]
- Troy Barnes: [high-pitched voice] Ooh. My name's Jeff Winger.
- Abed Nadir: [deep voice] Hey. I'm Jeff Winger. I'm so tall.
- Troy Barnes: Ah, this watch is expensive.
- Abed Nadir: Muscles are everywhere.
- Troy Barnes: [normal voice and patronizing smile] Oh, that was really funny.
- Jeff Winger: [irritatedly] What's going on? Where are the cameras?
- Troy Barnes: Oh, we're not filming this.
- Abed Nadir: No. Who'd wanna watch this?
- Jeff Winger: [scoffs exasperatedly] Guys, it's 6 a.m. Jeez!
- [removes his microphone, drops it and storms off]
- Abed Nadir: We're not gonna have him back.
- Troy Barnes, Abed Nadir: [sings] Troy and Abed in the morn...
- Jeff Winger: [shouts off camera] No!
- Dean Pelton: [examining sign broken by a cadaver falling on it] And what makes it worse is this was a brand new sign, so... I just don't want this to tarnish our school's reputation.
- Officer Cackowski: Don't worry. Your school's reputation is way worse than this.
- Pierce Hawthorne: How do you know it was one of us?
- Dean Pelton: Well, if I may answer a question with a question, why are you dressed like a wizard?
- [Pierce rambles while pointing a cookie wand at Craig]
- Dean Pelton: Okay, is he having a stroke? I'll tell you how I know. Security Officers Bennett and Edison found this at the scene. Hmm? The little hat says "Chang" on it.
- [Jeff glares accusingly at Britta who looks away]
- Jeff Winger: Hey, Pierce, I just remembered. Right before you got here, some guy was delivering level-six ceremonial robes?
- Pierce Hawthorne: What? Why didn't you tell me?
- Jeff Winger: Maybe if you run you can catch him.
- Pierce Hawthorne: Way to use your brain, Winger.
- [exits]
- Jeff Winger: Abed, how fast can you run to the Theater Department?
- Abed Nadir: Thirty-seven seconds.
- Jeff Winger: Don't come back without something ridiculous. Go.
- [Abed exits]
- Britta Perry: Guys, you realize you're exploiting the naiveté of a man who is being brainwashed by a cult.
- Shirley Bennett: Well, it sounds a lot less fun when you say it.
- Jeff Winger: Everything does. She's a buzz kill.
- Britta Perry: I'm not a buzz kill.
- Shirley Bennett, Annie Edison: Hmm.
- Troy Barnes: Yeah, that doesn't really describe it. You're more of a fun-vampire, because you don't suck blood, you just suck.
- Pierce Hawthorne: [enters dejected] He wasn't there.
- Jeff Winger: [Abed enters carrying a box] Oh, I think Abed found him.
- Pierce Hawthorne: Hey, give me.
- [opens box and gasps]
- Pierce Hawthorne: It's amazing.
- [Jeff stifles a laugh behind his hand]
- Pierce Hawthorne: Wow. It is absolutely gorgeous. How do I look?
- Troy Barnes: May I?
- Pierce Hawthorne: Yeah.
- [Troy places a floppy wizards hat on Pierce's head]
- Jeff Winger: Magical.
- Annie Edison: Great.
- [chuckles]
- Shirley Bennett: Heh.
- [chuckles]
- Pierce Hawthorne: [laughs] Of course, the only one who doesn't like this is Britta. You ever get tired of being a buzz kill?
- Jeff Winger: Hey. Impressive. And hilarious.
- Britta Perry: Hmm.
- Jeff Winger: You gonna fess up, weirdo?
- Britta Perry: Look, it wasn't me. Even if it was, this was an accident.
- Jeff Winger: I knew it. Nicely done.
- [mocking]
- Britta Perry: If I come forward, it's gonna play into the "Britta's a buzz kill" mythology.
- Jeff Winger: Well, the toe tag fits, Britta. I mean, you single-handedly killed an entire school's buzz, not to mention a frog. According to Glenda, cadaver Harry had 13 nieces and nephews that I'm not interested in meeting. So you better think about coming clean, or I'm just gonna tell everybody you did it.
- Britta Perry: Hey... can I run something by you? I was thinking of pulling a little prank tonight.
- [sing-songy]
- Jeff Winger: All right. April Fools prank.
- Britta Perry: [giddy] So you know how they have live frogs in the anatomy lab?
- Jeff Winger: Oh, yeah.
- Britta Perry: So I was gonna sneak in there, get a frog, and then tomorrow when Senor Chang's class is coming in, there will be a frog on his desk wearing... Tada.
- [reveals a small, frog sized sombrero with 'Sr Chang' printed on the brim]
- Jeff Winger: Oh, you're done.
- [forced smile]
- Britta Perry: Did you read the hat?
- Jeff Winger: Senor Chang.
- Britta Perry: Yeah. Oh, you don't get it.
- Jeff Winger: I guess I don't.
- Britta Perry: The frog is Chang.
- Jeff Winger: Okay, I did get it. It's funny.
- [patronizing]
- Britta Perry: I know it's funny. Oh, wait, I forgot. It's not your kind of joke. It's not at anyone's expense.
- Jeff Winger: Britta, why waste your time envying my gift for levity? When there's so much you could be doing with your natural talent for severity.
- Britta Perry: You know what? My prank is gonna cause a sea of laughter, and I'm gonna watch you drown in it.
- [storms off]
- Jeff Winger: [calls out] Thattagirl.
- Dean Pelton: [...] That from now on, April Fools' Day is banished, okay? At Greendale, April 1st is officially March 32nd forever.
- Annie Edison: Stop or I'll shoot. I said, stop.
- [fires pepper spray while running into the spray]
- Annie Edison: Oh, God, no. Aah! Aah!
- [crying]
- Annie Edison: Oh, it burns.
- Shirley Bennett: [siren wails] Uh-huh. Oh, great, he got away! Good job.
- [...]
- Shirley Bennett: This is why you have hardly any friends.
- Annie Edison: Looks like I have one less now.
- Shirley Bennett: Do I look like I'm crying?
- Annie Edison: These are not tears. This is self-inflicted friendly fire, okay?
- Shirley Bennett: That's what happens to children.