- Alan Harper: [Charlie, Alan and Jake are in a pizzeria] Okay. Why don't you let me get this one?
- Charlie Harper: Really? You're not gonna go for the world record?
- Alan Harper: What are you talking about?
- Charlie Harper: 1,647 meals in a row where you haven't taken out your stupid, velcro wallet.
- Alan Harper: You were counting?
- Charlie Harper: Am I close?
- Alan Harper: Nevertheless, I am paying.
- Charlie Harper: Smell that, Jake? The air coming out of your father's wallet has been in there since before you were born.
- Alan Harper: Very funny.
- [Alan to waitress]
- Alan Harper: Thank you.
- Charlie Harper: Wait, wait, wait. Nobody is gonna believe this.
- [Charlie takes a picture of Alan and his wallet with his phone]
- Jake Harper: Hey, Dad. As long as you got your wallet out, I could use some new sneaks.
- Alan Harper: [Pulls out a wad of cash without hesitation] Sure.
- Jake Harper: [In disbelief] Are you dying?
- Alan Harper: I took money to give a woman pleasure.
- Charlie Harper: Wait a minute. *You* gave a woman pleasure?
- Alan Harper: [Holding his hands up] You have no idea what powerful orgasms these hands are capable of delivering.
- Charlie Harper: No, I've always known that. I just find it hard to believe they could give them to *other* people!
- Alan Harper: I'm going to take a shower and try to wash the cheapness off me.
- Charlie Harper: Better take some steel wool and a cheese grater!
- Charlie Harper: [Alan is carrying a large bag] What's that?
- Alan Harper: It's a portable massage table.
- Charlie Harper: So, what? You're giving rub and tugs on the pier now?
- Priscilla Honeycutt: I'd like to make another appointment.
- Alan Harper: Sure. What were you thinking? Maybe next week?
- Priscilla Honeycutt: Tonight.
- Alan Harper: Tonight? Oh, gloriosky! We close up at five.
- Priscilla Honeycutt: [Handing him a card] So I can expect you at my house at nine.
- Alan Harper: Oh, gee, I don't do housecalls.
- [She hands him a big wad of cash]
- Alan Harper: Per se!
- Charlie Harper: [Charlie, Alan, and Jake are discussing Jake's new hairstyle] So, why'd you decide to abandon your classic cereal bowl coif?
- Jake Harper: What's a "coif"?
- Charlie Harper: You can't glean it from the context?
- Jake Harper: What's "glean"?
- Charlie Harper: [exasperated] Why'd you change your freakin' hair?