- Annie Edison: How much effort do I rate?
- Jeff Winger: For you, I'd break a light sweat.
- Annie Edison: Good. I need a favor. Help Pierce with his step daughter?
- Jeff Winger: You're becoming dangerous, Annie. It's those doe eyes.
- Pierce Hawthorne: Jeffrey. Aw, come here, son.
- [hugs Jeff]
- Jeff Winger: [sways side to side] Are we hugging or dancing?
- Pierce Hawthorne: You know, if the roles were reversed, I would've had sex with your ex-stepdaughter.
- Jeff Winger: I did.
- Pierce Hawthorne: Chip off the old block. It was either that or deal with your actual pain.
- Jeff Winger: What pain?
- Pierce Hawthorne: 12 O'clock
- [looking past Jeff]
- Jeff Winger: [Jeff looks over his shoulder and spots Michelle] Oh, are you kidding me?
- [pained expression appears and Jeff begins to quietly weep]
- Pierce Hawthorne: It's okay. It's okay, it's okay, it's okay. Let it out, let it out.
- Jeff Winger: [crying on Pierce's shoulder] We always use to watch the shows she wanted to watch. I hate Glee!
- Pierce Hawthorne: I'm not crazy about Glee either.
- Jeff Winger: [sobbing] I hate it. I don't understand the appeal at all.
- Britta Perry: [smiling] Nana, here's your switch.
- Nana: Bring it here. Oh, I'll make do.
- [cheerfully]
- Britta Perry: Okay.
- [Britta presents her right hand, palm down]
- Britta Perry: Let me have it.
- Nana: I ain't no nun. Bend over.
- [with a worried look Britta turns her right hand palm up]
- Nana: Drop your pants and get over my lap.
- Troy Barnes: [whispers to Britta] All you have to do is walk away.
- [Britta, with a satisfied smile, sets her purse down, removes her leather jacket, lowers her pants and lies on Nana's lap]
- Troy Barnes: What are you doing?
- Nana: She's respecting her elders.
- Britta Perry: See, Troy, did you think I was a hypocrite? That I wouldn't really...
- [whipping noise]
- Britta Perry: Okay, ow, that really... Whoo! Okay, that really...
- [crying]
- Troy Barnes: [crying] I don't understand you, Britta. I don't understand you at all.
- [Britta and Troy sobbing]
- Jeff Winger: You know what? Totally wrong room. Will you get the door?
- Amber: Mm-hmm.
- Troy Barnes: [screaming] She's had enough!
- [sobbing]
- Troy Barnes: She's had enough!
- Annie Edison: Are you just doing this because Slater hurt you?
- Jeff Winger: What? No. I'm not hurt. And Amber threw herself at me.
- Annie Edison: Well, you still have to tell Pierce that she's taking advantage of him, don't you?
- Jeff Winger: Well, when you think about it, nobody's getting hurt. Pierce is getting a daughter, Amber's getting allowance, I'm getting... well, we already talked about it. But don't forget, this is Pierce. He's a racist, homophobic old goof, and he does bad stuff all the time.
- Annie Edison: Well, sounds like you got it all figured out, so why are you talking to me about it?
- Jeff Winger: Because you're... you know.
- Annie Edison: A decent person?
- Jeff Winger: Maybe.
- Annie Edison: And you knew that talking to me about it would make you feel like a bad friend, and you wanted to feel like a bad friend because you wanna be a good friend?
- Jeff Winger: You really suck, you know that?
- Britta Perry: Troy didn't tell me you were such a knockout.
- Nana: What do you mean by that?
- Britta Perry: Oh, come on. I'm sure you've broken a few hearts in your time.
- Nana: Oh. Tell me, how many men do you think I've laid with?
- Britta Perry: [Britta's eyes go wide]
- Nana: Who are you?
- Britta Perry: I'm Britta and I have offended you and I am sorry. Is there anything I can get you?
- Nana: Yes. Get me a switch.
- Britta Perry: A what?
- Troy Barnes: She's not family, Nana. You can't make her get a switch.
- Britta Perry: She can make me get it. I just have to know what it is first.
- Troy Barnes: A switch is a stick she can use to whoop you with. Cherish, Britta. Cherish.
- Pierce Hawthorne: Jeff, what are you still doing here?
- Jeff Winger: I go to school here, remember?
- Pierce Hawthorne: Well, Amber, there's a Pictionary tournament in the student lounge. Would you like to play?
- Amber: Sure. Is Jeff joining us?
- Jeff Winger: I can't. I have to go.
- Pierce Hawthorne: [to Jeff] Come on, stay.
- Jeff Winger: I can't.
- Amber: Then maybe I shouldn't stay either.
- Pierce Hawthorne: [to Jeff] Stay.
- Jeff Winger: You think I should?
- Pierce Hawthorne: I think you have to.
- Troy Barnes: Can't believe my grandma's rolling her old bones down here. I gotta pick a cabinet to hide in.
- Britta Perry: You hide from her?
- Troy Barnes: Yeah. She's crazy.
- Britta Perry: Troy... society programs us to dispose of the elderly because they don't work or buy things, but don't be blind to your grandmother's value. You need to cherish her.
- Troy Barnes: You cherish her.
- Britta Perry: I'm sure I will. You know she's not gonna be around forever.
- Troy Barnes: I wanna believe you're right, Britta, but you never quite are, are you?
- Jeff Winger: Hey. Haven't seen you all day.
- Professor Michelle Slater: [catching her breath] I've been really busy. Plus I had to find, like, 30 extra chairs for my classroom, since it's family day.
- Jeff Winger: Oh, speaking of, I was going to invite my mom so you could meet her, but, uh, she still thinks I'm a lawyer.
- [laughing]
- Jeff Winger: Oh, look! The human being has a little human with it... how blood curdlingly adorable.
- Professor Michelle Slater: Jeff. We need to talk.
- Jeff Winger: What's wrong?
- [sarcastically]
- Jeff Winger: Are you breaking up with me?
- Professor Michelle Slater: Oh.
- [giggles]
- Professor Michelle Slater: Maybe we don't need to talk.
- Jeff Winger: Well, you're too gorgeous to be a teacher, and you're too happy to be a student. Take me to where your car broke down.
- Amber: I'm here for family day. I'm looking for my family.
- Jeff Winger: Oh, well, I'm sure at the very least I can fill in for a creepy Uncle. Jeff.
- Amber: Amber.
- Pierce Hawthorne: There she is! Look at you, all grown up.
- Amber: Hey.
- Pierce Hawthorne: Jeff, this is my stepdaughter, Amber.
- Jeff Winger: Small world.
- Pierce Hawthorne: No, actually, it's a very big world with five billion other women in it.
- [chuckling]
- Pierce Hawthorne: Good luck. Come on, I'll show you around.
- Ben Chang: Looks like Pierce broke the piggy bank at the escort service this time.
- Pierce Hawthorne: Hey! Duck sauce, that was rude. The call girls I frequent are not nearly as attractive as my daughter.
- Amber: Stepdaughter. Technically ex-stepdaughter.
- Pierce Hawthorne: You know, your mother April...
- Amber: Wanda. Her name's Wanda.
- Pierce Hawthorne: Was it Wanda?
- Amber: Yes.
- Ben Chang: Winger. Too cool for family?
- Jeff Winger: Everyone here is my family.
- [all boo]
- Troy Barnes: Weak.
- Troy Barnes: [chuckles] Pretty rough, huh?
- Britta Perry: [pained expression] Mm, you were right. Nana's a monster.
- Nana: [stern look] What did you say?
- Britta Perry: [fearful look] I said you were a monster, ma'am.
- Nana: And you said Troy was right.
- [to Troy]
- Nana: Get me a switch.
- Troy Barnes: [resigned look] Okay.
- [Troy walks away]
- Pierce Hawthorne: Over the course of seven marriages, ive amassed some 32 stepchildren. And obviously, Amber's my favorite.
- Amber: Yeah, there was something about his mass emails that made me certain this would be a family reunion.
- Pierce Hawthorne: Sure is, sweetie. She's going to photography school.
- Jeff Winger: Oh, that sounds interesting.
- Pierce Hawthorne: Keep it in your pants, Winger. You're embarrassing yourself. She may be hot, but she's my princess.
- Amber: Step-princess.