Family Guy (TV Series)
Quagmire's Dad (2010)
Seth MacFarlane: Peter Griffin, Brian Griffin, Stewie Griffin, Glenn Quagmire, Dan Quagmire, Dr. Elmer Hartman, Aquaman, Veteran #7
Photos
Quotes
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Glenn Quagmire : [about his father] He wants to have a sex change operation.
Peter Griffin : Whoa! I knew he was gay. I didn't think he was that gay.
Glenn Quagmire : No, no, Peter, he's not gay. He's a woman stuck in a man's body.
Peter Griffin : Yeah, gay.
Glenn Quagmire : It's totally different!
Lois Griffin : Sounds the same.
Glenn Quagmire : Well, it's not!
Peter Griffin : Okay, so he wants to be a woman she he can be a lesbian?
Glenn Quagmire : No, he'd date men.
Peter Griffin , Lois Griffin : Gay.
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Brian Griffin : Okay, I'm off.
Lois Griffin : Well, we knew this day would come. Good luck where you wind up.
Peter Griffin : Take care, buddy. Call if you want. If not, take care of yourself.
Brian Griffin : I'm just going away for a few days.
Peter Griffin : Oh.
Lois Griffin : Oh. Okay.
Brian Griffin : Yeah, there's a seminar on creating... really? It would be that easy for you?
Lois Griffin : What?
Brian Griffin : You thought I was leaving forever and you just said "good luck"? What the hell was that?
Lois Griffin : Brian, take it easy. You're not leaving forever. You're just leaving for a few days. What do you want, a parade?
Brian Griffin : You know what? Never mind.
Lois Griffin : Look, Brian, face it, you're a dog. The fact that your last name is Griffin is a pleasantry extended from our family, not by any legality.
Peter Griffin : Yeah, and someday, when you're ready, you're gonna walk off into the woods and die.
Lois Griffin : And we're prepared for that.
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Joe Swanson : [listening to one of Dan's stories, texting to Peter] How gay is this guy?
Peter Griffin : [texting back] So ducking gay.
[seeing the typo]
Peter Griffin : Oh, sorry, that's my auto spell correct. But, uh, yeah, he's super gay.
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Glenn Quagmire : [after hearing several double entendre comments from his father's fellow sailors] Dad... are you gay?
Dan Quagmire : What?
Glenn Quagmire : Are you gay, dad?
Dan Quagmire : No, Glenn, I'm not gay.
Glenn Quagmire : Just... just tell me the truth.
Dan Quagmire : I am telling you the truth. Now calm down. You're ruining this ball. You know how much I love balls.
Glenn Quagmire : All right, come on, now! That's not helping!
Dan Quagmire : Son, you have my word, I am not gay.
Glenn Quagmire : You promise?
Dan Quagmire : I promise.
Glenn Quagmire : All right, I believe you.
Dan Quagmire : But I am a woman trapped in a man's body. And while I'm in Quahog, I plan to have a sex change operation.
Glenn Quagmire : Oh, come on. Just be gay.
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Dr. Elmer Hartman : [entering from the ER covered in blood] Wow! That thing was on there.
Glenn Quagmire : How is he, doc? Is he all right?
Dr. Elmer Hartman : No, I'm afraid not.
[Quagmire gasps in horror]
Dr. Elmer Hartman : But she's gonna be just fine.
Dan Quagmire : [entering with his new feminine body] What do you think, boys?
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Brian Griffin : So, there's this seminar in New Haven on creating your own web-based Internet series. Sounds like it could be right up my alley.
Lois Griffin : Is this another one of those classes where you make the checks out directly to the teacher's name?
Brian Griffin : [pause] Feel good about that? Feel good about what you just said?
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Lois Griffin : Peter, what are you doing home? I thought you'd be out on the town with Quagmire and his dad.
Peter Griffin : Lois, you're not gonna believe this. Quagmire's dad's gay.
Lois Griffin : What? Quagmire never said anything about that.
Peter Griffin : I don't think he knows. It's like he doesn't even notice it.
Lois Griffin : Really? Well, then how do you know he's gay?
Peter Griffin : Well, a lot of little things; the way he talks, his mannerisms, and he had the entire DVD set of "Sex and the City" between his butt cheeks.
Lois Griffin : Peter, no he didn't!
Peter Griffin : No, he didn't. He had the DVD set; I was just being colorful with the rest of it.
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Peter Griffin : What are you gonna name it? Huh? What are you gonna name your he/she father/mother?
Glenn Quagmire : Knock it off!
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Peter Griffin : Okay, you know what? Elephant in the room. I'll say it. So, Ida, do you miss your penis?
Lois Griffin : Peter!
Chris Griffin : Thank you for asking it.
Glenn Quagmire : Jeez.
Dan Quagmire : No, it's okay. It's a perfectly normal question. We can't sit here and just pretend everything's the same. It is a big transition for me, yes. But the answer is I still have it. They just turn it inside out to simulate a vagina.
Dan Quagmire : Come on, dad...
Stewie Griffin : Not a bad option to have in the back pocket.
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Meg Griffin : I like the outfit you have on.
Dan Quagmire : Thank you, Meg. Who did your procedure?
Meg Griffin : Wow. You just burned your last friend in this room, lady.
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Peter Griffin : [to Ida] So tell me about those knockers. Are we... Are those... Is that just, like, implants or did they reassign some ass fat up there?
Glenn Quagmire : [leaving in disgust] All right, I'm out of here.
Stewie Griffin : I wonder if I could push mine inside.
[reaching into his overalls]
Stewie Griffin : Oh, my god. It worked. It's gone! I can't believe it... oh, no, it's back.
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Glenn Quagmire : [after Brian had sex with Quagmire's Dad, enraging Quagmire] Where is he? Where is that self-centered, arrogant son of a bitch?
[Brian tries to hide under the bed, only to be discovered by Quagmire]
Glenn Quagmire : Get out of there, you dirty little bastard! YOU'RE DEAD!
[brutally beats up Brian throughout the house]
Glenn Quagmire : If I ever see you anywhere near my house, I'LL BLOW YOUR HEAD OFF! Now lay there and die, you piece of crap!
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Joe Swanson : [meeting Quagmire's dad] I'd stand and salute you, sir, but this is the best I can do.
[he leans back in his wheelchair, akin to standing up straight, and salutes]
Dan Quagmire : I'll take it. And a salutey-rooty-toot-tooty back to you, my friend.