- Tom: You can't make sense out of a woman. They're like beautiful puzzles with missing pieces. Or a great book with no ending. Or, like my old man used to say, they're all friggin' nuts.
- Charlie Harper: [Asking for advice about what to do about Chelsea] So, what? I'm supposed to just go about my business, hoping that one day she shows up and says, "I'm back"?
- Tom: Or, you can do like me and Ed did.
- Ed: Change teams.
- Tom: A lot easier livin' with a man than a woman.
- Ed: Tom and I watch the same TV shows. We like the same food.
- Tom: You don't have to leave the room to fart.
- Ed: You don't have to, but it sure would be a nice idea.
- Charlie Harper: [Uncomfortable when Tom and Ed start to fight] Maybe I should go.
- Tom: No, no, no! Sit down. Finish your beer.
- Ed: Yeah, we're just sparrin'.
- Tom: I love this broken down son of a bitch.
- Ed: Oh, for God's sake! Don't gay it up in front of company.
- Alan Harper: [Sitting in a cinema] You agreed that if I paid for the tickets, we can see what I want to see.
- Charlie Harper: That's because I didn't actually think you could scrape together 18 bucks without stopping at a blood bank!
- Alan Harper: Its been three weeks since you and Chelsea broke up. You need to move on.
- Charlie Harper: Says the guy who still carries around a naked picture of his ex-wife.
- Alan Harper: I bought those boobs! I have the right to look at them once in a while!
- Charlie Harper: Catch up! Catch up! You're gonna lose her!
- Alan Harper: Relax, this is not the first woman I've surreptitiously followed while honoring the letter of a restraining order.
- Alan Harper: Oh, damn. I'm out of gas.
- Charlie Harper: How could you be out of gas?
- Alan Harper: I don't know. I just put three dollars in the other day!
- Charlie Harper: Three dollars?
- Alan Harper: Actually, 2.50. I bought a Milky Way.