- Miss Hoover: There was a mix up with your tests. You actually got an A triple-plus. The F belonged to Ralph.
- Ralph Wiggum: I cheated wrong. I copied the Lisa name and used the Ralph answers.
- Bart Simpson: I need to talk to you about man stuff.
- Homer Simpson: Talk to grandpa. He used to be a man.
- Bart Simpson: He did?
- Grampa Simpson: [Struggling to peel a banana] Come on, give up the goods, you yellow devil!
- Principal Skinner: [On a school skit] I'm Bart Simpson, disruptive fourth grader.
- Homer Simpson: I've finally caught one of Bart's plays.
- Marge Simpson: That's not Bart, that's Principal Skinner. Bart's sitting right next to you.
- Homer Simpson: Oh, now that I look closer, that guy can't fool anybody.
- Principal Skinner: Shut up, fatso.
- Homer Simpson: Why you little...!
- [Runs onstage and strangles Skinner]
- Marge Simpson: You told him to kiss her? Why didn't you just tell him to hit her over the head with a club and drag her to a cave?
- Grampa Simpson: You mean second base? He's a little young for that.
- Kevin the Blind Boy: Nelson, now that the ban has been lifted, let me touch your face so that I can see how you really are.
- [Feels Nelson's face]
- Kevin the Blind Boy: Hey, I said your face, not your butt.
- Nelson Muntz: Aw, you're comfortable enough to mock me.
- [Punches Kevin]
- Nelson Muntz: That's for mocking me!
- Kevin the Blind Boy: Nelson, your punch has restored my vision! I can see again!
- Nelson Muntz: Really?
- Kevin the Blind Boy: Ha-ha!
- Nelson Muntz: The student has become the master.
- Principal Skinner: Mr. and Mrs Simpson, these are Brody and Madison McKenna. Their daughter is on Bart's class.
- Brody McKenna: Mr. Simpson, your son engaged in unwanted mouth contact with our daughter.
- Marge Simpson: They kissed?
- Madison McKenna: On the slide.
- Homer Simpson: That's all that happened, and I got to miss a day of work? Thank you!
- Madison McKenna: Mr. Simpson, I'm a high-class lawyer, and my husband is a district attorney, and we're not happy.
- Homer Simpson: Maybe you should get easier jobs.
- Madison McKenna: Unless you make this school an affection-free environment, we'll sue you to the last dime.
- Principal Skinner: [holds up dime] Here it is.
- Madison McKenna: And we'll make you wish your son was ever born.
- Homer Simpson: Already half way there, lady.
- Nikki McKenna: [after Bart falls off the slide] He's dead! And I loved him! Oh, he's still breathing. Loser!
- Bart Simpson: I don't get you. You're hot, you're cold, you're hot... what is your deal?
- Nikki McKenna: You have a lot to learn about women, and I'm not going to tell you.
- Bart Simpson: Oh, I give up. Smell you later.
- [as he walks away, Nikki runs to him and kisses him on the cheek, then walks away]
- Bart Simpson: I love you!
- Bart Simpson: Where's Mrs. K?
- Principal Skinner: Mrs. Krabappel went to Idaho. Turns out the people sent to rescue her sister from a cult turned out to be an even worse cult.
- Bart Simpson: So who's taking her place? Me, I hope.
- Principal Skinner: No, not you. Never you.