Two and a Half Men (TV Series)

Crude and Uncalled For (2010)

Jon Cryer: Alan Harper

Photos 

Quotes 

• Alan Harper : [after punching Marcus]  How's *that*, bitch?

• Alan Harper : The lady is on a date with me, and you are intruding.

  Marcus : Why don't we ask the lady what she wants?

  Alan Harper : Not necessary. I can tell you what she wants. And it's not me!

• Alan Harper : [after Charlie has picked up Alan from jail]  Ten hours I sat in that urine-soaked jail cell!

  Charlie Harper : You shouldn't have peed yourself!

• Chelsea : What's going on?

  Alan Harper : Your gallant fiancé let his baby brother rot in a prison cell all night!

  Chelsea : What?

  Charlie Harper : Oh, come on! It was the Beverly Hills jail! I've been there plenty of times! If you slip the booking officer a twenty, he'll send out for Starbucks!

  Alan Harper : You know I don't carry that kind of cash!

• Alan Harper : I just snapped and hit him. It's the first time in my life that's ever happened.

  Charlie Harper : You mean it's the first time you've ever won!

• Alan Harper : [after meeting his lawyer]  I just want it on record that I am not by nature a violent man. My fuse is long, but it's attached to dynamite!

  Charlie Harper : Shut up, I'm paying by the hour!

• Jake Harper : What happened to your hand?

  Alan Harper : I won't lie to you. I got into a bar fight and punched a guy in the face.

  Jake Harper : Yeah, right!

  Alan Harper : I'm serious. I spent the night in jail.

  Jake Harper : Fine. Don't tell me!

• Alan Harper : Maybe you didn't notice the way *my* lawyer was looking at *your* fiancé!

  Charlie Harper : What are you talking about?

  Alan Harper : Or the way *she* was looking back at *him*!

  Charlie Harper : That's ridiculous.

  Alan Harper : I'm telling you, there were definitely sparks between the two of them.

  Charlie Harper : [Looking concerned]  You think?

  Alan Harper : Charlie, that guy is everything you're not.

  Charlie Harper : What's that mean?

  Alan Harper : He likes people, he loves his mother, works with children, and he doesn't stumble through life stinking of whiskey and KY jelly!

  Charlie Harper : Hey, KY jelly is odorless!

  Alan Harper : Not where *you* put it!

• Charlie Harper : [after Chelsea gets mad at Charlie for leaving Alan in jail overnight]  Now she's mad at me. Happy?

  Alan Harper : Oh yeah, I'm thrilled! If my transexual, biker cellmate had only been a little more affectionate, my life would now be perfect!