Two and a Half Men (TV Series)

Crude and Uncalled For (2010)

Charlie Sheen: Charlie Harper

Photos 

Quotes 

• Chelsea : [after showing Charlie her new lingerie]  I was gonna save it for our wedding night, but I couldn't wait.

  Charlie Harper : Oh, baby. By the time we get married, that thing is gonna be half-eaten!

• Chelsea : [Charlie is lying in bed waiting for Chelsea to join him and the phone rings]  Are you gonna grab that?

  Charlie Harper : [Looking between his legs and then at the phone]  You'll have to be more specific!

• Alan Harper : [after Charlie has picked up Alan from jail]  Ten hours I sat in that urine-soaked jail cell!

  Charlie Harper : You shouldn't have peed yourself!

• Chelsea : What's going on?

  Alan Harper : Your gallant fiancé let his baby brother rot in a prison cell all night!

  Chelsea : What?

  Charlie Harper : Oh, come on! It was the Beverly Hills jail! I've been there plenty of times! If you slip the booking officer a twenty, he'll send out for Starbucks!

  Alan Harper : You know I don't carry that kind of cash!

• Alan Harper : I just snapped and hit him. It's the first time in my life that's ever happened.

  Charlie Harper : You mean it's the first time you've ever won!

• Brad Harlow : I just bought my mom a new computer and it's opened up quite a can of worms.

  Charlie Harper : Ironic. I just bought *my* mom a can of worms!

• Alan Harper : [after meeting his lawyer]  I just want it on record that I am not by nature a violent man. My fuse is long, but it's attached to dynamite!

  Charlie Harper : Shut up, I'm paying by the hour!

• Charlie Harper : What do I owe you?

  Brad Harlow : Relax, you don't owe me anything.

  Charlie Harper : Even better! Thank you.

  Chelsea : We have to pay you for your time.

  Charlie Harper : Oh, you hippy!

  Brad Harlow : Well, you can always make a donation to my charity.

  Charlie Harper : What's that? "Lawyers Without Yachts"?

• Charlie Harper : [after their car gets stuck]  Oh, damn!

  Female GPS Voice : You have reached your destination!

• Alan Harper : Maybe you didn't notice the way *my* lawyer was looking at *your* fiancé!

  Charlie Harper : What are you talking about?

  Alan Harper : Or the way *she* was looking back at *him*!

  Charlie Harper : That's ridiculous.

  Alan Harper : I'm telling you, there were definitely sparks between the two of them.

  Charlie Harper : [Looking concerned]  You think?

  Alan Harper : Charlie, that guy is everything you're not.

  Charlie Harper : What's that mean?

  Alan Harper : He likes people, he loves his mother, works with children, and he doesn't stumble through life stinking of whiskey and KY jelly!

  Charlie Harper : Hey, KY jelly is odorless!

  Alan Harper : Not where *you* put it!

• Charlie Harper : [after Chelsea gets mad at Charlie for leaving Alan in jail overnight]  Now she's mad at me. Happy?

  Alan Harper : Oh yeah, I'm thrilled! If my transexual, biker cellmate had only been a little more affectionate, my life would now be perfect!

• Evelyn Harper : I'll find a lawyer and we'll split the fee.

  Charlie Harper : Not fifty-fifty! 'Cause I'm out 6 years of room, board and incidentals. And by 'incidentals', I mean mostly Kleenex and hand lotion!