- Leonard Hofstadter: [Leonard gets a call in the middle of the night about Sheldon's antics] Sheldon's escaped and is terrorizing the village.
- Sandy: So, Mister Cooper, you're looking for a job.
- Sheldon Cooper: A menial job. Like yours.
- Sandy: Why, thank you for noticing. I'm menial employee of the month.
- Sheldon Cooper: [Serves Howard] Alright, one bacon cheeseburger, breaking two Jewish dietary restrictions simultaneously - kudos...
- [Serves Raj]
- Sheldon Cooper: ... and Beer-battered fish and chips - Now, here's your tartar sauce. I also brought you salsa. It's a little unconventional, but I think you'll like it. It's zingy...
- [Serves Leonard]
- Sheldon Cooper: And for you, factory burrito grande, no cheese, no sour cream, no ugly consequences from your lactose intolerance. Bon appétit.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Hang on. Black beans, not pinto beans?
- Sheldon Cooper: Yes.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Double guacamole?
- Sheldon Cooper: Of course.
- Leonard Hofstadter: No cilantro?
- Sheldon Cooper: Nope.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Lettuce shredded, not chopped?
- Sheldon Cooper: Yes.
- Leonard Hofstadter: You understand why I'm doing this to you?
- Sheldon Cooper: I do.
- Leonard Hofstadter: That'll be all.
- Penny: Hey, guys. Sorry you had to wait, but we're swamped.
- [notices the food on the table]
- Penny: What's this?
- Leonard Hofstadter: Uh, Sheldon took our order.
- Penny: Sheldon doesn't work here!
- Leonard Hofstadter: Well, honey, not to complain, but we were starting to think you didn't either.
- [having figured out the solution to his physics problem, Sheldon turns to leave the Cheesecake Factory, leaving a mess of food on the floor]
- Penny: Sheldon, where are you going? Aren't you going to clean this up?
- Sheldon Cooper: I'm sorry, I don't work here.
- Penny: [Sheldon is using his hands like a spyglass] What is he doing now?
- Leonard Hofstadter: Hmm, he's either isolating the terms of his formula and examining them individually, or... looking for the alligator that swallowed his hand after Peter Pan cut it off.
- Sheldon Cooper: Captain Hook's hand was eaten by a crocodile, not an alligator. If you're going to mock me, at least get your facts straight.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Aye, aye, captain.
- Penny: Sheldon, what do you want?
- Sheldon Cooper: I came to tell you, I've got the answer.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Really? You figured out the graphene problem?
- Sheldon Cooper: No, I'm still hopelessly stuck on that, but I've figured out how to figure it out.
- Penny: Hey, you know, Leonard, I know I said I could handle your roommate, but I was wrong; we're going to have to break up.
- Leonard Hofstadter: What are you talking about?
- Sheldon Cooper: Einstein.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah, I'm gonna need a little more than that.
- Sheldon Cooper: Albert Einstein.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Keep going...
- Sheldon Cooper: When Albert Einstein came up with Special Relativity, he was working at the Patent Office.
- Leonard Hofstadter: So you're going to go work at the Patent Office?
- Sheldon Cooper: Don't be absurd; that's in Washington. You know I could never live in a city the streets are laid out in a wheel and spoke pattern.
- Sheldon Cooper: By the way, I was watching you sleep for a moment, and I noticed that your snoring seems to be worse when you're on your back.
- Penny: No, Leonard doesn't snore.
- Sheldon Cooper: No, I wasn't talking to Leonard.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Told you.
- Raj Koothrappali: OK, just to be clear, roller-skating was my idea, and I'm very unhappy that you turned it into a double date, and I hope you both fall on your asses and break your coccyxes!
- Sheldon Cooper: The plural of coccyx is coccyges.
- [first lines]
- Penny: Whatcha doing?
- Sheldon Cooper: I'm attempting to view my work as a fleeting peripheral image so as to engage the superior colliculus of my brain.
- Penny: Interesting. I usually just have coffee.
- Howard Wolowitz: How long has he been stuck?
- Leonard Hofstadter: Intellectually, about thirty hours. Emotionally, about twenty-nine years.
- Sheldon Cooper: [muttering] The alkyl cell contains two carbon atoms. The interior angle of a hexagon's one hundred and twenty degrees.
- Howard Wolowitz: Have you tried rebooting him?
- Leonard Hofstadter: No, I think it's a firmware problem.
- Leonard Hofstadter: [about Sheldon] Penny, I told you if you don't put him in his crate at night he just runs around the apartment.
- Penny: [man cackling] Leonard. You're giggling in your sleep.
- Leonard Hofstadter: It's not me. It's my new ring tone. The Joker. From Batman.
- Penny: Well, it creeps me out.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Me too. But I paid 3 bucks for it.
- Sheldon Cooper: I need to determine where in this swamp of unbalanced formulas squatteth the toad of truth.