- Andy Dwyer: That high five was your birthday present. Just kidding, hahaha, that wasn't it. I got you something else. I wrote you a song.
- April Ludgate: Really? What's it called?
- Andy Dwyer: Not telling, but I'll give you a clue. It's named after a month out of the year.
- April Ludgate: So, April?
- Andy Dwyer: No... that would have been way better.
- Andy Dwyer: Let me ask you a quick question: what's the youngest a girl can be that if uh, we go out, I'm not a total scumbag?
- Tom Haverford: You know the old rule. Half your age plus seven.
- Andy Dwyer: Half my age, plus seven. Oh, okay. Well I'm 29, so half of... 29, add seven... that's only 20, is...
- Tom Haverford: Twenty...
- Andy Dwyer: 20 years old.
- Tom Haverford: ...one.
- Andy Dwyer: 21.
- Tom Haverford: and a half.
- Andy Dwyer: Yep.
- Tom Haverford: Yep.
- Andy Dwyer: We got the same thing with the equation on that one. Here's the thing, what if she's slightly younger? Can I go out with someone younger than that?
- Tom Haverford: Please! You totally can!
- Andy Dwyer: Yeah!
- [In confessional]
- Andy Dwyer: Tom says it's okay!... That probably means it isn't okay.
- Ron Swanson: What exactly will you be cutting, and how much of i,t and can I watch you do it while eating Pork Cracklins?
- Ron Swanson: Leslie, what do we do when we get this angry?
- Leslie Knope: We count backwards from 1,000 by sevens, and we think of warm brownies.
- Ron Swanson: Go do that in your office.
- Donna Meagle: Got your birthday shot.
- April Ludgate: Oh, thanks. But now that it's legal, I kind of lost interest.
- Donna Meagle: Suit yourself.
- [Donna downs two shots at once]
- Andy Dwyer: [after April snubs him and hangs out with Jean-Ralphio at her birthday party because she was jealous of Ann flirting with Andy] I thought she liked me. I guess I'm super bad at picking up signals. But that Ralph Macchio guy is a total douche.
- Leslie Knope: Chris is the most positive state budget auditing consultant I have ever met. I mean, I made eye contact with him, and it was like staring into the sun.
- Ann Perkins: [Drunk] I loved Andy. Loved him. Loved Andy. He was a totally helpless baby when we met. I dated him for three years. Now, he's an adult with a job. And some other girl is going to reap the rewards of my hard work? That's bullshit.
- Chris Traeger: Scientists believe that the first human being who will live 150 years has already been born. I believe I am that human being.