Dylan Moran: What It Is (2009 Video)

Dylan Moran: Self

Quotes 

• Dylan Moran : What adulthood feels like... which is walking around in a desert with a bag over your head, being bumping into by people who rob you as they bore you.

• Dylan Moran : I know what you're thinking too. I know what everybody's thinking. They're thinking, I'd like to be lying face-down on a cushion... with my mouth full of chocolate... and something lovely happening to my lower half.

• Dylan Moran : If you have friends who don't have kids, they can sound very naive. You know? Your single friends without children or just people without children, cuz they ask you stupid things like, 'What did you do at the weekend?' As you try to distinguish one moment from any other in the blur of screams, stains and tears that made up Saturday and Sunday - they will tell you what *they* did. Which is all they ever wanted to do in the first place. 'We went to that really cool place, you know - the one you haven't heard of? Yeah, they make their own tomatoes out of vodka. It was great. And then we walked along the canal and we hired one of those hop-on / hop-off hot air balloons - just so, in case, we got bored walking we could get on the balloon for a bit and then walk for a bit... And then, yeah I think we saw a French double bill of old movies, which reminded us that we hadn't had sex in about a half an hour, so we did again. And then umm, we went and we did that umm - we're both in a band... yeah it's doing really well, it's called Black Yogurt. We did this sort of lunch time gig in that really, really cool place; the cellar that's *above* the building. It's called Umlaut, well it's not called Umlaut, it's just two dots over a 'U' that isn't there. And then, umm... we saw loads of people from all over the world and saw several art galleries and went to about five operas, and some production of ballet - it was really good; I think I was in it. And then we had sex again... and yeah, then we just ended the evening with some of that Japanese pizza... it's on stilts - so y'know... ' And then it comes back to you what you did! You go, 'Oh yeah, I remember - I scraped hardened Weetabix off a kitchen table top for about two and a half hours and then I *tried* to have a shit - it didn't quite work out, but there's a window open on Wednesday I think; you should come around - we'll make an evening of it.'

• Dylan Moran : What I mean by being on good terms with pleasure, is that you have to be honest with yourself. You have to talk to this sexual, animal part of you - the beast within! It's a very simple creature and you ignore it at your peril. It's very simple. It just has one demand really, it just says; 'More! More yummy stuff, less bad stuff.' You have to know what you want cuz the beast says, 'Gimme the good stuff, not the bad stuff!' You have to say, 'Well what do you mean?' and engage with that part of yourself. What is the good stuff? What is the bad stuff? *You* know the good stuff! Whatever I'm not allowed. That's the ultimate human shopping list. 'I'd like some illegal, some forbidden, some frowned upon and some downright disgust, please. I'd like that to go, Thank you.' What is the bad stuff? You know... fucking mornings! What is that about? That time is a huge lie. 'Get up, get up! We're going to be late! Quickly!' Late. Imagine it; the disaster if we're late. What'll happen if we're late? I can't even bear to think about it! Late is an *idea*. Late is bullshit. It doesn't matter how fucking late you are, you can turn up in your pajamas scratching your nuts with a fork - the same old shit's gonna be there. It's a lie!

• Dylan Moran : I sometimes think what my granny would've made of the world. You know it was a simpler view, but very clear-eyed. With everything that's going on. I always remember, she used to say, 'The neck and the groin. The neck and the groin. It doesn't matter how big the fucker is - they've all got a neck and a groin.' Last thing she ever said to me; she said, 'Listen, I'm off to Peru. Don't tell a soul. There's money in it, and maybe an early Matisse. Don't breathe a fucking word Kemosabe. You got me?' Bless her.