Archer (TV Series)
Training Day (2010)
H. Jon Benjamin: Sterling Archer
Photos
Quotes
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Sterling Archer : [Archer shows Cyril a pen] This is what a real field agent uses.
Cyril Figgis : Huh. Point's a lot finer than what I prefer.
Sterling Archer : That's because it's a hypodermic needle.
Cyril Figgis : What?
Sterling Archer : And the cartridge is full of a deadly supertoxin called poizo... caine.
Cyril Figgis : [Archer puts pen in Cyril's pocket] Uh, hey, whoa. Wait a minute.
Sterling Archer : Keep it in here. But be careful! The cap slips off for like no reason.
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Cyril Figgis : I'm not sure that's technically irony.
Sterling Archer : What? This is like O. Henry and Alanis Morissette had a baby and named it this exact situation.
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Sterling Archer : Oh, my god! You killed a hooker!
Cyril Figgis : Call girl!
Sterling Archer : No, Cyril!
Cyril Figgis : She was a call...
Sterling Archer : When they're dead, they're just hookers. God, I said the cap on the poison pen slips off for no reason, didn't I?
Cyril Figgis : But I just assumed that if anything bad happened...
Sterling Archer : No, do not say the Chekhov gun, Cyril. That, sir, is a facile argument.
Woodhouse : And also woefully esoteric.
Sterling Archer : Woodhouse...
Woodhouse : Fetching a rug, sir.
Sterling Archer : Now he's fetching a rug. Happy, Cyril?
Cyril Figgis : No! No, I'm not happy!
Sterling Archer : Well, guess what? Me neither! I mean, big picture, I wouldn't say I'm a happy person.
Woodhouse : Sir, I have fetched the rug.
Sterling Archer : Plus, now I'm out of a rug.
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Lord Feltchly : Good show, Archer! You really saved my bacon.
Sterling Archer : Huh?
Lord Feltchly : You really saved my bacon.
Sterling Archer : Hey, come on. You know I'd never let anything happen to your bacon. I love you, Santa Claus!
[Archer covers his face as he weeps]
Sterling Archer : I do!
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Sterling Archer : A secret agent! That's what I am! And I shouldn't even be saying that. But you have a certain... thickness about you that I find... appealing.
Suicide Bomber : [disguised as woman] Well, I find your drunkenness very unappealing.
Sterling Archer : I am drunk, or I wouldn't be talking to you.
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Sterling Archer : And it's not broadening Cyril's horizons. Trust me, mother's idea of horizon broadening is a lot of fights walking home from a lot of jazz tap lessons.
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Cyril Figgis : Hello, Cheryl.
Cheryl : It's Carol.
Sterling Archer : Uh, since when?
Cheryl : Since I had it legally changed because you always call me Carol.
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Cyril Figgis : How do you keep track of all these lies?
Sterling Archer : Practice, Cyril. Lying is like 95% of what I do.
Cyril Figgis : In your job.
Sterling Archer : Sure.
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Sterling Archer : That was totally ninja!
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Cyril Figgis : Hey, will I get to learn karate?
Sterling Archer : Karate? The Dane Cook of martial arts? No, ISIS agents use Krav Maga.
Cyril Figgis : Krav?
Sterling Archer : We've got an ex-Mossad guy; comes in on Thursdays.
Cyril Figgis : Neato.
Sterling Archer : Yeah, Tuesdays he does a really rigorous spin class.
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ISIS Comptroller Cyril Figgis : Do something!
Sterling Archer : I'm doing all kinds of stuff, Cyril! I'm shooting the gun, I'm driving the car...
ISIS Comptroller Cyril Figgis : I could drive better than that!
Sterling Archer : Well, knock yourself out, I'm ejecting.
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Sterling Archer : Shoot, bitch! Democracy's at stake!
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Sterling Archer : Seriously Krieger, you are my Oprah.
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Cyril Figgis : OK, so human intelligence entails what exactly?
Sterling Archer : Well, there's false flags, dead drops, drop outs, cut outs, active doubles, passive doubles, dangled moles; the often underappreciated honeypot - one of my favorites.
Cyril Figgis : Wow, sounds like a lot to cover.
Sterling Archer : Yeah, so we may have to gloss over... almost all of it.
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Cyril Figgis : Then who are those guys?
Sterling Archer : [shouts] How should I know? KGB, the Stasi, Shining Path, this guy I know named Popeye. I have enemies, OK?
Cyril Figgis : That's because no one likes you!
[calmly]
Cyril Figgis : Seriously, do you not sense that?
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Sterling Archer : [after Trinette takes his wallet, watch, and car] You know, I bet there's a lesson to be learned from all this, but I - Oh shit, my rug!
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Cyril Figgis : Archer, what am I going to tell her?
Sterling Archer : Well, if you learned anything today, it won't be the truth.
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Sterling Archer : A secret agent! Yeah, that's what I am. And I shouldn't even be saying that, but you have a certain thickness about you that I find very appealing.
Terrorist Bomber : Well, I find your drunkenness very unappealing!
Sterling Archer : I am drunk, or I wouldn't be talking to you.
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Sterling Archer : Seriously, Krieger. You are my Oprah.
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Cyril Figgis : Screw you, Archer!
Sterling Archer : Hey! Hostile work environment!
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Sterling Archer : [as Trinette speeds away in his Charger] You know, I bet there's a lesson to be learned from all this, but I... oh, shit - my rug!