Community (TV Series)
Comparative Religion (2009)
Chevy Chase: Pierce Hawthorne
Photos
Quotes
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Pierce Hawthorne : Agnostic. Lazy man's Atheist.
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Pierce Hawthorne : Britta, put your blouse back on.
Jeff Winger : [turns and Pierce kicks him] Ow!
Pierce Hawthorne : Boys, this is not a game! You got to be ready for anything!
Troy : Dude! That is not cool.
Pierce Hawthorne : Well, that foxy black girl thinks it is.
[kicks Troy when he turns]
Jeff Winger : What are you doing?
Troy : Why she have to be black?
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Pierce Hawthorne : Every man should be punched in the face. It's a rite of passage. In my day, Friday night was smoke a doobie, feel up a gal, and then get your teeth knocked out by a Republican.
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Pierce Hawthorne : I know a few moves. Troy, I assume you're handy with a switchblade. Abed, you get back to the family tent. Try to find a chicken for Jeff to chase.
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Annie : WWBJD?
Pierce Hawthorne : If that stands for "What Would Billy Joel Do?" I'll tell you right now: he'd write another crappy song.
[extends fist to Troy]
Troy : ...yeah, in your face, Billy Joel!
[mouths to Annie]
Troy : Who is that?
Annie : [mouths] I don't know.
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Shirley : I did my best to create a special Christmas for my *one* intact family... and this is the thanks I get.
Annie : Shirley, you are a guilt machine.
Pierce Hawthorne : And Annie knows a thing or two about guilt. Am I right, Jew?
Annie : Say the whole word!
Pierce Hawthorne : ...Jewie?
Troy : You would never catch a Jehovah's Witness saying "Jewie."
Pierce Hawthorne : Tell it to the birthday cake you never got. You know, there's an old Buddhist saying...
Britta : You are not a Buddhist, you are in a cult.
Pierce Hawthorne : Suck it, Nietzsche.
Annie : Guys, everyone's faith is weird. Let's just not talk about it.
[all speaking indistinctly]
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Pierce Hawthorne : Let's see what we're working with. Go ahead, throw a few at the old paws.
[Jeff punches pads lightly. Pierce laughs]
Pierce Hawthorne : What are you, a North Korean seamstress?
Jeff Winger : Not if that's bad.
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Pierce Hawthorne : Where should I put my Buddha incense holder?
Britta : I'm pretty sure that's a bong.
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Pierce Hawthorne : Men were wired to fight each other so women could choose the right mate.
Britta : No, the real reason men fight is to release their pent-up gayness.
Pierce Hawthorne : That guy wasn't gay. He had a mustache.
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Pierce Hawthorne : I'm born-again.
Shirley : [Perks up] Oh!
Pierce Hawthorne : We had a re-birthing ritual in my friend's hot tub. I'm now a level five Laser Lotus in my Buddhist community.
Britta : That does not sound like Buddhism. You sure you're not in a cult?
Pierce Hawthorne : Just by asking me that question, you put me back down to a level four. You now owe me 2000 Energon cubes.
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Troy Barnes : You're a pretty big dude. You've probably got moves.
Jeff Winger : Yeah, I got some theories.
Abed : You've never been in a fight?
Jeff Winger : Technically, no. I guess I'm too charming and likeable. Call me a name.
Troy Barnes : I can't.
Abed : Mm.
Pierce Hawthorne : Are you telling me you've never been punched in the face?
Jeff Winger : No, thank God. This is the moneymaker.
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Shirley : I am so sick of the dean jamming his PCness down my throat.
Jeff Winger : Pierce, I'd like to commend you for letting that one go.
Pierce Hawthorne : [chuckling] PCness. Now I get it.
Troy : It sounds like penis. I just got it, too.
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Jeff Winger : So help me, if that jerkweed made me fail.
Pierce Hawthorne : Well, I aced it, amigo. That means cousin.
