The Venture Bros. (TV Series)

Self-Medication (2009)

Seth Green: Lance Hale, Mrs. Z

Quotes 

• Action Johnny : My dad's lab was like a pharmacological candy store, so I started real young. Next thing I know, I'm blowing lines of voodoo powder off the back of a monkey's paw I bought in Calcutta. Now I'm all out of wishes.

  Dr. Venture : I wasn't even allowed to wear long pants until I left for college. Is it any wonder I didn't lose my virginity until I was over 20?

  Lance Hale : So dumbass here is so freaked out by the mess, he forgets twenty years of detective training and actually picks up the shotgun with his bare hands. Well, I just instinctively reached out to stop him, of course. And so... that's how both our sets of prints ended up on the murder weapon.

  Ro-Boy : I tried to be good, I just couldn't help myself sometimes. When I see a giant robot I just get so mad, I wanna beat them up! And then I wanna burn them! Sometimes I wanna burn the whole world!

  Wonderboy : I mean, I can't even get an erection now unless I'm tied to a chair with a time bomb taped to my chest.

• Dr. Z : So, a snake kills your psychiatrist, and you fly all the way down here in the middle of the night to beat up an old man because of a matchbook.

  Dale Hale : Yeah, sounds kind of sloppy when you say it.

  Dr. Z : When are you boys going to grow up? Didn't you get enough of this nonsense when you were kids?

  Dale Hale : We had to do something, it was a mystery!

  Dr. Z : There's always a mystery, it never ends! Not until you decide when enough is enough!

  Wonderboy : You mean, just give it all up?

  Dr. Z : Yes! Why not? Leave it to the next ten-year-old boy with a jetpack and a spyglass! Take it from an old man: there is more to life! I am much happier now that I've settled down with Mrs. Z, than I ever was chasing Jonny around with a laser! I only regret that it took so long for me to figure it out. We never had children of our own, you see. We married late. And though my lover's mountains are both beautiful and bountiful, I'm afraid the valley below is quite barren.

  Mrs. Z : [laughs]  I thought we could not have kids because I was your beard.

  Ro-Boy : Dr. Z, Mrs. Z, would you like to adopt me?

  [everybody cheers] 

• Lance Hale : Lance Hale, one half of the world-famous Hale Brothers. Boy detectives. You've heard of us. Anyway, we're here because my allegedly twin brother Dale still hasn't gotten over our father's death.

  Dale Hale : I can still see his face through the steam of his pooling blood as he lay sputtering on the cold linoleum floor...

  Lance Hale : Punch-buggy depressing! Nobody wants to hear that crap, Dale! Heheh, sorry. We didn't just lose our dad that night. His death remains our only unsolved case ever. We had to quit the business because the shame was just too great.

  Action Johnny : Yeah, retiring at thirty on daddy's famous fortune must've been real hard on you.

  Lance Hale : For your information, Action Junkie, he bequeathed most of it to the local boy detective academy. We hardly got dick because nothing we ever did was good enough!

• Action Johnny : Dudes, get back! That is a Vietnamese Two-Step Viper! One bite, and you're dead before you take two steps.

  Dale Hale : There's no such thing.

  Action Johnny : Yeah, I'm making it up? It's right there, dude! That ain't a fucking hologram or an old lighthouse keeper in a rubber mask, okay?

  Dale Hale : I mean there's no such snake. That's an urban myth.

  Lance Hale : Bro's right. I Googled it.

  Dr. Venture : Hey, Encyclopedia Brown-Noser, can you Google this thing the hell away from me?