The Office (TV Series)

Secret Santa (2009)

Brian Baumgartner: Kevin Malone

Photos 

Quotes 

• [Phyllis, dressed as Santa Claus, is handing out the Secret Santa gifts while Michael, dressed as Jesus, sits sullenly in a chair heckling her with a karaoke machine] 

  Phyllis Vance : [to Dwight]  This just arrived from the Dunder Mifflin North Pole branch!

  Dwight Schrute : We don't have a North Pole branch. Idiot.

  [he jumps up and snatches the parcel out of her hands] 

  Michael Scott : [sarcastic and deadpan]  Uh-oh, what's Dwight gonna get? What is it?

  Dwight Schrute : [opens the parcel to reveal another assembly piece for his gift]  YES!

  Michael Scott : Oh yes, it's space garbage. Dwight's gonna be able to build himself a friend.

  [sing-song] 

  Michael Scott : Deck the halls with crappy gifts...

  Phyllis Vance : [moves to Stanley]  And Stanley, ho ho ho! You've been very good this year.

  [she hands him a small box] 

  Stanley Hudson : I have.

  [he takes the box and opens it] 

  Michael Scott : Yeah, except for cheating on your wife. Adultery's a sin, look it up in the Bible, people. What'd he get?

  Kevin Malone : He got scented candles.

  Michael Scott : Oh, well that's appropriate. Lot of fire where you're going, better get used to it. You're going to H-E-L-L double hockeysticks. Going to hell, Stanley.

  Angela Martin : Amen!

  Phyllis Vance : [moves to Angela and hands her a wrapped parcel]  And this brings us to you, little one.

  Michael Scott : I can't see from here, people. Somebody shout it out. Don't make me get up.

  Angela Martin : [opens the parcel]  It's fabric. I really wanted this.

  Michael Scott : That's fantastic. You can make another dress that goes past your feet.

  Angela Martin : Andy, is this you?

  Phyllis Vance : It's a secret.

  Michael Scott : No, Andy had... Erin.

  Andy Bernard : [uncomfortable]  That...

  Pam Beesly : Michael!

  Phyllis Vance : You...

  [sighs exasperatedly] 

  Michael Scott : [sarcastically]  What, was I not supposed to say...

  [Jim shuts off the karaoke machine, cutting Michael off] 

  Michael Scott : Wha... Turn it back on.

  Jim Halpert : No.

  [Michael drops the microphone, gets out of his chair and petulantly stalks into his office, slamming the door behind him] 

• Kevin Malone : Nobody's ever let me sit on their lap before.

• Kevin Malone : I didn't even get to tell you what I wanted.

  Michael Scott : Okay, you know what you get? You get a thousand helium balloons attached to you so Santa doesn't have to go through this again.

  Kevin Malone : Awesome.