Psych (TV Series)
Death Is in the Air (2010)
Dulé Hill: Burton Guster
Quotes
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Carlton Lassiter : [Lassiter, Donny, Shawn, Gus and Juliet are all being showered in the parking lot] I mean is this really necessary? I didn't even go inside the cafe.
Donny Leberman : Oh it's necessary. Yeah, the CDC doesn't want to take any chances.
Carlton Lassiter : For the last time, who the hell is this?
Donny Leberman : Oh, I'm Donny Leberman. Hey, I'm the guy who screwed all this up.
Carlton Lassiter : I'm not big on nude handshakes.
Juliet O'Hara : They're probably just being safe, Carlton.
[Hit by a hose]
Juliet O'Hara : Ooh, that tickles.
Carlton Lassiter : Spencer, are you shampooing your hair?
Shawn Spencer : Yes I am, Lassie. I always travel with a small packet of Johnson and Johnson's baby shampoo in my wallet.
Juliet O'Hara : Baby shampoo?
Shawn Spencer : No more tears, Jules.
Carlton Lassiter : [Getting scrubbed down] Whoa, take it easy, slugger, what are we dating?
Burton 'Gus' Guster : I can't believe this, Shawn. First, we're looking for a prostitute, now I'm naked in a parking lot.
Shawn Spencer : It's just like our prom night.
Burton 'Gus' Guster : Shawn.
Shawn Spencer : Gus, relax. Don't be Nick Cage's accent from "Con Air." We've bathed together before.
Burton 'Gus' Guster : When we were three.
Shawn Spencer : It's essentially the same thing. It's just impolite to pee.
[to the person scrubbing him down]
Shawn Spencer : That feels great by the way.
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Burton 'Gus' Guster : He has an irrational fear of Patrick Dempsey.
Shawn Spencer : It's very rational! It's rational. Either of you watch "Grey's Anatomy"? The man is completely terrifying.
Juliet O'Hara : [smirks] You're just jealous of his hair.
Shawn Spencer : [hesitates] Well, there's that...
Burton 'Gus' Guster : There's *only* that.
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Burton 'Gus' Guster : I don't know what smells worse: that breakfast burrito or those nacho cheese corn nuts you used to eat.
Shawn Spencer : Well, lets do a smell test.
[Pulls out nacho cheese corn nuts]
Shawn Spencer : Here, close your eyes.
Burton 'Gus' Guster : Dude, I demand to know what's going on with you.
Shawn Spencer : What ever do you mean?
Burton 'Gus' Guster : Why are you eating stinky food and dressed like you're about to go tailgating.
Shawn Spencer : I'll tell you exactly why: because I can.
Burton 'Gus' Guster : Okay, I get it. So now that you're single, you're doing all the things Abigail wouldn't let you do while you were dating.
Shawn Spencer : You nailed it, which is why I'm TiVoing "Blame it on Rio" as we speak. And dude, my favorite ringer is back.
Burton 'Gus' Guster : Please tell me it's not...
Shawn Spencer : [Plays "Shake Your Rump"] Just shake your rump. I also put my favorite piece of art back on the wall.
Burton 'Gus' Guster : It's not art, Shawn. It's a poster of a hot blond laying on a Corvette that says "Hauling Ass."
Shawn Spencer : Well, if it's not art, why did I insure it for half a million dollars?
Burton 'Gus' Guster : Because you're an idiot.
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Dr. Steven Reidman : Excuse me, you say you divined this psychically?
Shawn Spencer : That's right.
Dr. Steven Reidman : Fascinating. If you should pass away, I would love to dissect your temporal lobe.
Shawn Spencer : Sure. I can't possibly see why not, but I'm hoping you get us all through this thing alive.
Dr. Steven Reidman : Yes, in that case, I would love to get my hands on a sample of your DNA.
Shawn Spencer : Weird. Uncomfortable. Consider it done.
Burton 'Gus' Guster : You know, I'm actually the brains of this operation so you might wanna get mine.
Dr. Steven Reidman : I could care less about your secretions. However, I would love to get my craniometer around that giant Raisinette of yours or is it a Goober? Possibly a Milk Ball.
Shawn Spencer : I'd say Milk Ball. It's Milk Ball.
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Shawn Spencer : No, she was a prostitute.
Donny Leberman : Come on.
Burton 'Gus' Guster : Think about it, you met her at the hotel bar.
Shawn Spencer : Plus her name is Ginger, Donny. Throughout history there's only two Gingers that weren't prostitutes: Ginger Rogers and Ginger from "Gilligan's Island." And I still have my suspicions about the latter. In fact, Gus, I've made my decision. She was a filthy pirate hooker.
Burton 'Gus' Guster : You know that's right.
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Burton 'Gus' Guster : This room was paid for in cash and registered to a Val Kilmer.
Shawn Spencer : It's either an alias or Val has officially lost it.
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Burton 'Gus' Guster : I still smell like stinky nuts, Shawn.
Shawn Spencer : Gus, we don't have four hours to riff on that.
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Burton 'Gus' Guster : You refer to the virus in the feminine tense?
Dr. Steven Reidman : Indeed, if you knew her as I do, there's no mistaking her for anything other than a she.
Burton 'Gus' Guster : That doesn't make any sense.
Dr. Steven Reidman : Neither do women.
Burton 'Gus' Guster : [Nods] I hear that.
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Shawn Spencer : Donny, what was in the cooler?
Donny Leberman : [Nervous] The Thornburg virus.
Burton 'Gus' Guster : *The* Thornburg virus?
Shawn Spencer : Thornburg? What does this have to do with Richard Chamberlain?
Burton 'Gus' Guster : That's "The Thorn Birds." This is the Thornburg, an extremely rare virus that usually targets people in Africa - which makes it racist, by the way.
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Shawn Spencer : [Running up to a crime scene at a convenient store] Dude, we should come back later and hang out with our skateboards.
Burton 'Gus' Guster : You know that's right.
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Carlton Lassiter : This is a waste of time. We're rushing to check out some coffee place that some mysterious person who may or may not be carrying a deadly virus may or may not have visited.
Donny Leberman : Well, I for one, trust Mr. Spencer's instincts on this.
Carlton Lassiter : [to Juliet] Who the hell is this?
Juliet O'Hara : Carlton, we need to look into every possible lead at this point. Besides, you were already wrong once today.
Burton 'Gus' Guster : I've never seen Lassie put in his place like that.
Shawn Spencer : It's hot. I'd like her to put me in my place.
Burton 'Gus' Guster : That makes no sense, Shawn.
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Shawn Spencer : You know me, Mr. Nonjudgmental.
Burton 'Gus' Guster : He also goes by Mr. Dobolina.
Shawn Spencer : Mr. Bob Dobolina.
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Shawn Spencer : Drugs didn't kill that woman. It was the Thornbirds Virus.
Burton 'Gus' Guster : Do you mean Thornburg?
Shawn Spencer : What he said.
Juliet O'Hara : I studied that in school. Has there ever been a case in the US?
Burton 'Gus' Guster : No. There's not enough black people.
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Shawn Spencer : [shawn and gus are each in hazmat suits, standing at Melissa's bedside. Gus flirts with her] Gus! You should be ashamed of yourself! Let me handle this. Melissa, how many sexual partners have you had in the last six months?
Burton 'Gus' Guster : Shawn!
[Melissa starts counting fingers, but is interrupted by shawn's phone ringing]
Burton 'Gus' Guster : Enough with that song already!
Shawn Spencer : I can't reach my back pocket. You're gonna have to punch me in the ass.
Burton 'Gus' Guster : You must be out of your mind.
Shawn Spencer : Just sock me in the butt!
Burton 'Gus' Guster : No, Shawn.