The Penguins of Madagascar (TV Series)

I Was a Penguin Zombie/Sting Operation (2009)

Jeff Bennett: Kowalski

Quotes 

• Skipper : I don't like it. What do you make of it, Kowalski?

  Kowalski : I'm not sure, Skipper. It could be anything.

  Skipper : Oh really? Could it be Alaska?

  Kowalski : Nooo... Its probably not A...

  Skipper : Are you saying that Alaska might be stuck upside down to the clock tower of my zoo?

  Kowalski : I guess...

  Skipper : Because I think people would notice if the entire state of Alaska just packed up and moved to the zoo.

  Kowalski : Alright! Maybe it couldn't be anything!

  Rico : Wuuh.

  Skipper : I'm sorry, boys. I sometimes resort to sarcasm when facing the unknown.

  Kowalski : No duh.

• Kowalski : [the penguins pile up to try to peek through the window]  All right, Private, describe exactly what you see.

  Private : Um... a wall, possibly brick.

• Skipper : Stop! Stop!

  Private : The zombie can speak!

  Skipper : I'm... not a zombie.

  Kowalski : But the infection. We heard the doctor say...

  Skipper : Who are you gonna believe, some two-bit medicine man, or your own commanding officer?

  Private : Can it really be true?

  Kowalski : But how can we know for sure?

  [Rico holds up chainsaw] 

  Private : Oh, Rico. Chainsaw's your answer to everything.

  Skipper : Men, amigos, my brothers in black and white. Look at me! All I've got is a broken wing, and I'm pretty sure that's not contagious.

  Private : Then why were you chasing us?

  Skipper : Because it itches like sandpaper underpants. Rico, scratch maneuvers, double time.

  [Rico looks at Kowalski and Private, who nod. He approaches Skipper] 

  Private : Now, Rico!

  [the others tackle Skipper] 

  Kowalski : Nice try, zombie!

  [They fall off the roof; cut to them in the vet's office] 

  Skipper : Okay, I stand corrected on the contagiousness of broken wings, but I did tell you I wasn't a zombie.

• [the penguins are fishing for condiments from a hot dog cart] 

  Kowalski : Onions, Skipper?

  Skipper : No, thanks. I'm after the big catch: the elusive Polish sauerkraut.

  [Others gasp] 

  Skipper : Hello, sauerkraut!

  [the hot dog vendor closes the door on Skipper's line] 

  Skipper : Whoa, big fella!

  [Skipper falls as the cart moves and pulls him out of the tree] 

  Skipper : You win this round, sauerkraut!

• Private : It's Skipper! Skipper?

  Kowalski : That's not Skipper, at least not anymore. You heard the doctor. That infection did things to his brain. Horrible things!

  Private : What kind of horrible things?

  Kowalski : From the looks of it, I'd say horrible zombie things.

  Private : Is he dangerous?

  Kowalski : Oh, you bet your succulent cerebral cortex he is. Just try to avoid eye contact, wear something to protect the brain area, and move slowly towards the...

  [Skipper lunges forward] 

  Kowalski : Ah! It's trying to devour us all!

  Private : Run!

• Private : He's eating Rico's brain!

  Kowalski : Rico's? I mean, have you even looked at this big, juicy, jumbo genius tenderloin? That's grade-A science brain, baby!

• Kowalski : No mercy this time, guys. Rico, see if you can shut off your conscience and sense of common decency.

  [Rico grabs a chainsaw and laughs maniacally] 

• Hornet #1 : Hey! Who pokes things? You like poke, ve poke, okay? I sting your face!

  Kowalski : It's a hornet's nest, Skipper.

  Hornet #1 : Ooh, look who vin prize! You know vat prize is? I sting your face!

  Skipper : Easy, stingtail. We don't want any trouble. We're just questioning your choice of nest location.

  Hornet #1 : I have question for you. Knock knock.

  Skipper : Who's there?

  Hornet #1 : I sting your face!

• Skipper : This does not wash! We're penguins, they're insects. We've got the size advantage.

  Private : But Skipper, they've got the owie advantage.

  Rico : Owie!

  Private : We can't take out their nest without entering a world of pain.

  Skipper : Kowalski, were are we on eliminating pain?

  Kowalski : Way ahead of you, Skipper. I have been perfecting a pain elimination helmet.

  [Puts on helmet and taps it to activate it] 

  Kowalski : As you will see, the nerve inhibiting matrix will provide 100% protection from any kind of...

  [Lets a cinder block fall on his flipper] 

  Kowalski : Aah! It's not perfected! Oh, it hurts! It hurts so bad!

• Private : Is he gone?

  Kowalski : No sign of him - Aaah!

  Private : What was that for?

  Kowalski : I just assumed he was going to pop out of no- Look behind you!

  Private , Rico : Aaaah!

  Kowalski : And once again I appear to be mistaken. Hmm. Guess it just goes to show you can never tell...

  [Suddenly Skipper pops up beneath them, and they all run away screaming] 

• Kowalski : Okay, let's get stupid!

  [Turns on degausser on Private; he falls unconscious] 

  Kowalski : Private? Are you all right?

  Skipper : Rico, my medical supplies.

  [Rico coughs up two rubber gloves; Skipper slaps Private with them until he's conscious] 

  Private : Ooh, is that a cotton candy machine? I like cotton candy.

  [Goes to machine and gets shocked] 

  Kowalski : Eureka! Stupid mission accomplished!

  Skipper : All we need to do now is to point him towards the hornet's nest and...

  Private : Oh, pretty shiny light machine.

  Kowalski : No, not the degausser!

  Private : [Turns on degausser and waves it over his head]  I'm a disco penguin.

  Kowalski : Be careful!

  [the degausser drains all of their thoughts; they fall unconscious] 

  Private : Hello?

  Kowalski , Skipper : I like degaussing!

  [Rico laughs stupidly] 

  Kowalski , Skipper , Private , Rico : Yay!

• Private : Thoughts returning.

  Kowalski : Picked up some of Rico's... Ugh! So horrible.

  Rico : Sorry.

• Kowalski : [Hiding from Skipper in the reptile house]  Okay, based on what I know about zombies, the safest place to hide is in a small, dark room with creepy lighting.

  [Skipper slams against glass] 

  Kowalski : Everything I've learned is a lie!

• Skipper : All right, men. We've got an unauthorized gray lump. I need options.

  Kowalski : This looks like a job for science!

  [Cut to Kowalski poking nest with long stick] 

  Kowalski : Come on, science. Don't let me down.

• Mort : You want me to talk to the bees?

  Skipper : Hornets, and talking ain't gonna cut it. We need you to do something more decisive.

  Mort : Kisses and huggies?

  Kowalski : We... need you... to go up there... and remove... the hornet's... nest!

  Mort : Then can I play in the bee's house?

  Skipper , Kowalski , Rico , Private : Hornets!

• Private : Skipper's... gone? It-it-it can't be! What'll we do?

  Kowalski : We'll honor him the way he wanted. By soldiering on like men.

  [He salutes solemnly. Jump cut to the three of them standing in their headquarters, sobbing loudly. Kowalski and Private cling to each other and Rico regurgitates a picture of Skipper] 

  Rico : Why? Why? Whyyyyyy?