How I Met Your Mother (TV Series)

The Sexless Innkeeper (2009)

Neil Patrick Harris: Barney Stinson

Quotes 

• Ted Mosby : Hey, Barney. I got a little poem for you. You want to hear it?

  Barney Stinson : No, not really.

  Ted Mosby : [starts reciting regardless]  T'was the night before, I had hours to kill. I sat in the tavern, grading parchments with quill.

  Barney Stinson : [interrupts]  With quill?

  Ted Mosby : [explaining with sarcasm]  Barney. It's a poem.

  Ted Mosby : [contines]  A busty, young lassie flashed me a grin.Her garb said "classy," but her eyes whispered "sin." She said, "you're a teacher?" I said, "yes, indeed." "I must have you," she moaned. "I'm turned on by tweed." With haste we did scamper To my chamber anon. We fell to the couch, and, bro, it was on. I unlaced her bodice. Our passions grew deeper. And thus ends the tale of the sexless innkeeper.

• Ted Mosby : What the hell is "The Sexless Innkeeper"?

  Barney Stinson : Ted, many a man- nay, many a soul has their own tale of the sexless innkeeper. Why, I had run-in with one just last year. I even composed a poem about it. Would you care to hear it?

  Ted Mosby : Not really.

  Barney Stinson : [continues with no pause]  T'was the night before new year's, And the weather grew mean. It was 3:00 in the morning, And I was stranded in Queens. The tavern grew empty, The gas lights grew dim. The horse-drawn carriages were all but snowed in...

  Ted Mosby : [interrupts]  Wait. If this was last year, why are you acting like it was Oliver Twist?

  Barney Stinson : [disgusted]  Ted, it's a poem.

  Barney Stinson : Last call was approaching, And my fortunes looked bleak. Then I turned to my left And stifled a shriek. She had a peach fuzz beard And weighed 16 stone. She gobbled up hot wings And swallowed the bones. I muffled a scream And threw up in my mouth. I asked, "where do you live?" And she said, "one block south." I swallowed my pride And six shots of whiskey. And prayed to the gods That she wasn't too frisky. Back in her cave, she prepared us a snack. 'neath her mighty hooves, the floorboards did crack. But when she returned, She found a sound sleeper. And thus she became The sexless innkeeper.

  Barney Stinson : And so are you!

• Barney Stinson : We're sorry we haven't been returning your calls, and we respect you too much to give you the old song-and-dance, so here's the truth. The US Navy has found intelligent life at the bottom of the ocean, and for reasons too complicated to explain, Robin and I have been chosen to lead the expedition.

  Lily Aldrin : That's just like the kind of line you give your dates when you want to dump them.

  Marshall Eriksen : But if it's true, that would be awesome.

• Ted Mosby : Barney, are you wearing sweatpants?

  Barney Stinson : Maybe, but they're Armani.

• Lily Aldrin : [Standing outside their apartment]  How do we know you two won't hurt us again?

  Robin Scherbatsky : You don't.

  Marshall Eriksen : You know what? We have two very nice people up in that apartment Who are perfect for us.

  Barney Stinson : Then what are you doing, standing out in the rain with us?

  Lily Aldrin : Damn it. Why is there something so attractive about a bad boy... And girl?

  Marshall Eriksen : I think we can change them.

  Lily Aldrin : Come here, you two.

  [Group hug] 

  Barney Stinson : We'll never sleep on the Gouda again!

• Barney Stinson : Ah, tweed. Fabric of the eunuch.

  Lily Aldrin : I've always wondered why tweed jackets have those elbow pads?

  Barney Stinson : That's because people who wear tweed are always going...

  [Puts head on hands and elbows on table] 

  Barney Stinson : Aw, gee. When will I get laid?

• [after the double date between Lily and Marshall and Barney and Robin] 

  Lily Aldrin : Nailed it!

  Marshall Eriksen : Best date night ever!

  [They high five each other] 

  Barney Stinson : [Outside the door]  Worst night ever!

  [Robin mimes shooting herself in the head]