Community (TV Series)
Football, Feminism and You (2009)
Joel McHale: Jeff Winger
Photos
Quotes
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Jeff Winger : I'm locked out of my old kingdom. You're not. You see what I'm saying?
Troy Barnes : You're saying I could be a lawyer.
Jeff Winger : I'm saying you're a football player! It's in your blood!
Troy Barnes : That's racist.
Jeff Winger : Your soul!
Troy Barnes : That's racist.
Jeff Winger : Your eyes?
Troy Barnes : That's gay?
Jeff Winger : That's homophobic.
Troy Barnes : That's black.
Jeff Winger : That's racist!
Troy Barnes : ...Damn!
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Abed Nadir : Will they or won't they? Sexual tension.
Jeff Winger : Abed, it makes the group uncomfortable when you talk about us like we're characters in a show you're watching.
Abed Nadir : Well, that's sort of my gimmick. But we did lean on it pretty hard last week. I can lay low for an episode.
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Jeff Winger : You're just as selfish as I am - you're just not as good at it yet.
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Jeff Winger : This decision has to be yours, T-Bone. And this decision has to be yes.
Troy : How did you know my nickname was T-Bone?
Jeff Winger : Because you're a football player and your name begins with "T." Your name... begins... with "T."
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Jeff Winger : I just think we were both wrong.
Annie Edison : Really? Because I'm an 18-year-old girl, and you made me cry in public.
Jeff Winger : Okay, maybe I was a little more wrong.
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Pierce Hawthorne : I think if we add in a little Phylicia Rashad, we'll be in better shape.
Dean Pelton : Yeah, you're right. That beige is a little light.
Jeff Winger : Um... Wow.
Dean Pelton : Yeah. Yeah. We are developing the perfect mascot. No stereotypical identifiers from any race or gender.
Pierce Hawthorne : You see, Jeff, this is a chart of the features we're staying away from: Pan-Asian eye folds, uh, Irish chins, women's breasts.
Jeff Winger : Is that Seal?
Dean Pelton : Oh, that is our human color wheel. It goes from Seal to Seal's teeth.
Pierce Hawthorne : What do you think?
Jeff Winger : I think not being racist is the new racism.
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Dean Pelton : [blackmailing Jeff] Oh! Goodness. Look what we've stumbled on to, an opportunity to help each other out. I suppose I wouldn't need this promotional campaign if I could announce to the press that Troy Barnes is playing football here.
Jeff Winger : I think he's been pretty clear about declining that offer.
Dean Pelton : I think if you said "Jump", he'd say "How high?". If you said "Stop", he'd say "Hammer time!".
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Jeff Winger : Dean! I'm sure Troy will sign up for football if and when an accident damages the part of his brain that feels pride.
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Troy : Is that linebacker a pregnant woman?
Jeff Winger : Look, you can meet them later!
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Annie Edison : Aha! I've been following you... How much did Dean pay to make Troy play football?
Jeff Winger : I'm not having a conversation with someone who emerges from a bush.
Annie Edison : Because I'm right?
Jeff Winger : No, because I'm not in a commercial for breakfast cereal.
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Jeff Winger : Maybe you and I should check out the Greendale Thunder Dome.
[Cut to Jeff and Troy at a bare-bones football field]
Jeff Winger : The dome arrives later. It comes with thunder.
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Jeff Winger : Dean has pictures of me, okay? Horrible pictures of me! Attending his school!
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Jeff Winger : For instance, after the dean talked to you about football, you and I were thinking the same thing.
Troy : [Face lights up] That dude looks like Moby!
Jeff Winger : We were thinking "What if Troy *did* play for Greendale?". You'd be surprised how many of your favorite football players started at community college.
Troy : Really. Name one.
Jeff Winger : Who's your favorite football player?
Troy : Me.
[Face changes to an astonished look]
Troy : Whoa!
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Jeff Winger : I think not being racist is the new racism.
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Dean Pelton : Troy, did you know that Greendale has a football team?
Jeff Winger : Did you know they had a football?
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Pierce Hawthorne : Gentlemen, I present to you the Greendale Human Being.
Jeff Winger : That's a falcon with a gun.
[Pierce turns the drawing on its side]
Jeff Winger : Now it's a falcon with an erection.
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Britta Perry : Fine, if it's important to Shirley, I'll go with her next time. I'm willing to try some more mainstream feminine stuff.
Jeff Winger : Well, then you should know, nothing says 'I'm a woman!' like doing it with me.
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Jeff Winger : Let me tell you. little secret about me Troy. Every day on my way to school, I drive through downtown past the courthouse. Just to get a glimpse of the world I once ruled. And I just want to jump out of my car, run up the steps and... exploit the legal system for profit. But I can't, I'm locked out of my old kingdom. You're not. See what I'm saying?
Troy : [Nods, gets a faraway look in his eyes] You're saying I could be a lawyer.
Jeff Winger : I'm saying you're a football player; it's in your blood.
Troy : That's racist.
Jeff Winger : Your soul.
Troy : *That's* racist.
Jeff Winger : Your eyes?
Troy : That's gay?
Jeff Winger : That's homophobic.
Troy : That's black.
Jeff Winger : That's racist.
Troy : Damn!
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Annie Edison : And what does a star turn into after it collapses?
Jeff Winger : A movie of the week.
Troy Barnes : A black hole.
Annie Edison : Right. Troy, you could be an astronomer.
Pierce Hawthorne : As far as I'm concerned, there's only one black hole worth studying.
[everyone stops and stares at Pierce]
Pierce Hawthorne : It's called Sagittarius A. It's located in the center of our galaxy and it has the density of 40 suns.
[Jeff holds up one finger to signal 'wait for it']
Pierce Hawthorne : Just like my wiener.
Troy Barnes : Troy: Ha-ha. You said "wiener." That's funny.
Abed Nadir : Pierce and Troy didn't get along at first but now they're bonding through mutual adolescence.
Pierce Hawthorne , Troy Barnes : Shut up, fart head. Will you shut up, poo-poo head?
