- Burt Hummel: Hey! What did you just call him?
- Finn Hudson: Oh, no, I didn't call him anything. I was just talking to the blanket.
- Burt Hummel: You use that word, you're talking about him.
- Kurt Hummel: Relax, dad, I didn't take it that way.
- Burt Hummel: Yeah, that's because you're 16 and you still assume the best in people. You live a few years, you start seeing the hate in people's hearts. Even the best people.
- [to Finn]
- Burt Hummel: You use the N word?
- Finn Hudson: Of course not.
- Burt Hummel: How about "retard"? You call that nice girl on the Cheerios with Kurt, you call her a retard?
- Finn Hudson: Becky? No, she's my friend. She's got Down's Syndrome. I'd never call her that, that's cruel.
- Burt Hummel: But you think it's okay to come in my house and say "faggy"?
- Finn Hudson: But that's not what I meant.
- Burt Hummel: I know what you meant! What, you think I didn't use that word when I was your age? You know, some kid gets clocked in practice we tell him to stop being such a fag, shake it off. We meant it exactly the way you meant it. That being gay is wrong. That's some kind of punishable offense. I really thought you were different, Finn. You know, I thought that being in Glee Club, and being raised by your mom, meant that you were some, you know, new generation of dude who saw things differently. Who just kinda, you know, came into the world knowing what it's taken me years of struggling to figure out. I guess I was wrong. I'm sorry Finn, but you can't, you can't stay here.
- Kurt Hummel: Dad.
- Burt Hummel: I love your mom and maybe this is gonna cost me her, but my family comes first. I can't have that kind of poison around.
- [turns to Kurt]
- Burt Hummel: This is our home, Kurt.
- [turns back to Finn]
- Burt Hummel: He is my son. Out in the world you do what you want; not under my roof.
- Noah 'Puck' Puckerman: [after singing "Beth" to Quinn] I know you're giving her up, but before you do, I think you should name her Beth. If you'll let me, I'd really like to be there when she's born. I'd really like to meet her.
- Burt Hummel: [cornered by Azimio and Karofsky] You want to hit me? You want to beat me up? Go ahead. But I swear to you I will never change. I'm proud to be different. It's the best thing about me. So go ahead, hit me.
- Azimio: I believe I will.
- [to Karofsky]
- Azimio: Sir, would you like to go first?
- Finn Hudson: You're not hitting anyone.
- Burt Hummel: [seeing Finn dressed in a garish red outfit] Oh, my god.
- Azimio: Is he wearing a red rubber dress or am I trippin'?
- Dave Karofsky: Let's go.
- Kurt Hummel: Yeah, you don't wanna be late for your appointment at Supercuts!
- Azimio: Watch your mouth, Hummel!
- Dave Karofsky: And you know what, fancy? You don't need an appointment at Supercuts. They love walk-ins!
- Noah 'Puck' Puckerman: There's something I want to say to Quinn. And I want everybody to hear it.
- Will Schuester: All right.
- Noah 'Puck' Puckerman: At first I didn't really get this theatrical assignment; being larger than life and putting it all out there, 'cause I'm kind of like that all the time. It's how my dad was, too. He was too busy being all crazy and rock and roll to be there for his kid. And you know what? I didn't care that my dad was a badass. I just wanted him to be there. And he never was. And then I learned all this Kiss stuff, and while Jackie Daniels is a great name for, like, a powerboat or something, it's not right for a baby girl. So if my Kiss mates will help me out, I got a better idea.
- Kurt Hummel: Could you have a word with Azimio and Karofsky about harassing me without damaging my Gaga outfit?
- Finn Hudson: Are you serious? Do you know how difficult it is with those guys? They already think we're boyfriends.
- Kurt Hummel: Let them think what they want. They're Neanderthals. In three years, they'll be cleaning my septic tank.
- Kurt Hummel: I thought the boys' Kiss number was good, although the lyrics did leave something to be desired.
- Tina Cohen-Chang: And Finn kept sticking his tongue out and I couldn't stop picturing him licking stuff. It was disturbing.
- Rachel Berry: Mom?
- Shelby Corcoran: Hon, you gotta stop sneaking into these rehearsals.
- Rachel Berry: It's kind of important.
- Shelby Corcoran: [Rachel shows her her Lady Gaga outfit] Oh, dear god.
- Rachel Berry: My dads can't sew. I really need a mom right now. Do you think you can help?
- Shelby Corcoran: [watching Vocal Adrenaline rehearse] Yeah, that's better, guys. Take five. And ladies, I don't want to hear about chafing just because you're being forced to wear metal underwear. Not my problem.
- Will Schuester: Little monsters, take a bow. All right! Ladies, Kurt, I am really, really impressed. Siéntate. You know... you know what the best part is? Each one of your costumes shows off a different aspect of your personalities.
- Noah 'Puck' Puckerman: Wait. Where's Rachel? I mean, I only noticed because, like, five minutes have gone by without her saying something totally obnoxious.
- Mercedes Jones: Rachel kind of got some intense news yesterday.
- Quinn Fabray: We were spying on Vocal Adrenaline, and...
- Will Schuester: You guys, that's not fair! You gotta stop doing that. But, uh, you know, what... what'd you find out?
- Mercedes Jones: Okay, y'all ready? Miss Corcoran, their coach? She's Rachel's mom.
- Will Schuester: Are you serious?
- Artie Abrams: Way to bury the lead, Mercedes.
- Noah 'Puck' Puckerman: We're screwed. Rachel's gonna jump ship over to Vocal Adrenaline.
- Rachel Berry: [entering] Never. I really don't want to talk about it, though. I'm still processing the news. And my dads are moving my therapist to our spare room later this afternoon. All I know is that I'm not going anywhere, and I've chosen a Lady Gaga look the longing for a childhood I was deprived of.
- Brittany S. Pierce: You look terrible. I look awesome.
- Mercedes Jones: I think it's the Kermit the Frog look.
- Kurt Hummel: [a stuffed animal falls off Rachel's dress] And we have a jumper.
- Rachel Berry: Well, my dads can't sew, so these are just stapled on.
- Will Schuester: Guys, why don't we worry about this later and maybe try to focus on the song?
- Noah 'Puck' Puckerman: You're wrong. It's a really good name. It's a rock star name.
- Quinn Fabray: You want to name our daughter "Jack Daniels"? She's a girl!
- Noah 'Puck' Puckerman: Okay, fine, whatever. Jackie Daniels.
- Quinn Fabray: The name is not the point. I told you this. I'm giving up the baby so I don't have to do this with you. This is good for you. Now you can go off and be a rock star yourself.
- Artie Abrams: It's so weird.
- Finn Hudson: This so isn't you.
- Tina Cohen-Chang: I feel like an Asian Branch Davidian.
- Will Schuester: Tina, are there any other looks you can try?
- Santana Lopez: Biker chick?
- Finn Hudson: Cowgirl?
- Mercedes Jones: Hood rat.
- Quinn Fabray: Computer programmer.
- Brittany S. Pierce: Cross-country skier.
- Noah 'Puck' Puckerman: Catholic schoolgirl.
- Brittany S. Pierce: Happy Meal, no onions. Or a chicken.
- Rachel Berry: Guys, we have a serious problem. You know how I've been doing some deep background on Vocal Adrenaline?
- Artie Abrams: Isn't that against the rules?
- Rachel Berry: No, not at all. Or probably. Whatever! Anyway, what I figured out; I rooted through the dumpsters behind the Carmel auditorium and I found eighteen empty boxes of Christmas lights.
- Tina Cohen-Chang: Oh, no.
- Rachel Berry: Which led me to Joelle Fabrics. I asked them about red Chantilly lace, and they were sold out.
- Mercedes Jones: Oh, sweet Jesus.
- Kurt Hummel: Oh, my.
- Will Schuester: Wait, wait, wait. What?
- Kurt Hummel: They're doing Gaga.
- Mercedes Jones: That's it. It's over.
- Rachel Berry: Exactly.
- Kurt Hummel: We should have guessed it. They're going for full-out theatricality. They know it's the easiest way to beat us. Damn them.
- Noah 'Puck' Puckerman: What's up with this Gaga dude? He just, like, dresses weird, right? Like Bowie?
- Kurt Hummel: Lady Gaga is a woman. She's only the biggest pop act to come along in decades. She's boundary-pushing, the most theatrical performer of our generation. And she changes her look faster than Brit changes sexual partners.
- Brittany S. Pierce: That's true.
- Artie Abrams: It makes sense that Vocal Adrenaline would pay homage. It's a brilliant move. She's a perfect fit for them.
- Will Schuester: Hold on a second. We might be able to kill two birds with one stone here. We can help Tina find a new look and find a competitive number for regionals. This week, your assignment: Gaga.
- [the students all gasp and mutter in excitement]
- Rachel Berry: Pens. We need pens. My ideas just come to me.
- Will Schuester: Uh, my office. Right there.
- Rachel Berry: I'm brainstorming. It's coming.
- [first lines]
- Tina Cohen-Chang: Am I in trouble?
- Will Schuester: Come on. You've got more self-esteem than that. I think this might have to do with your perfect attendance last semester.
- Principal Figgins: No. Ms. Cohen-Chang is in trouble. It has come to my attention that the look you sport is what is known as goth. American teens are coming down with a serious case of "Twilight" fever, transformed from normal children into vampires obsessed with the occult. And only yesterday, this dark specter reared its head at McKinley High.
- Will Schuester: I don't mean to state the obvious, but you do know that vampires aren't real, right? They don't exist.
- Principal Figgins: William, denial will not make this problem go away!
- Tina Cohen-Chang: My parents won't even let me watch "Twilight". My mom says she thinks Kristen Stewart seems like a bitch.
- Principal Figgins: This is a serious problem! Ms. Cohen-Chang, you've got to find yourself another style of dress!
- Will Schuester: Hold on a second. Tina is shy, and one way she's found to express herself is through her clothes. High school is an incredibly important time when kids get to explore who they are. When I was in high school, I had a whole year where I dressed exactly like Kurt Cobain. I mean, come on. There has to be someone who you used to dress like.
- Principal Figgins: Yes. For several years in my early twenties, I dressed up as Elvis. But he was a Christian, Will! And he did not possess the ability to transform into a bat!
- Tina Cohen-Chang: [quietly] I think he thinks vampires are real.
- Will Schuester: [just as quietly] I think you're right.
- Rachel Berry: I'm tired of everyone calling us freaks.
- Mercedes Jones: [snickering] Well, look at us. We are freaks.
- [the glee club all shares a laugh]
- Finn Hudson: But we're all freaks together. And we shouldn't have to hide it.
- [they turn around as they hear clapping, revealing Schue]
- Will Schuester: Nice job, Finn. I think you just figured out what the lesson was. Kinda makes me wish I had planned it. But Mercedes is right. You do all look incredibly insane.
- Shelby Corcoran: So, how'd your dads come up with the name Rachel?
- Rachel Berry: They were, um, big "Friends" fans. I know why you're here. To say goodbye.
- Shelby Corcoran: I really wanted this to work. Do you know what really turned me? That story that you told me about your dads, and how they'd bring you water when you were sad. We're never gonna have anything like that. It's too late for us. I just think that anything we share right now is gonna be confusing for you.
- Rachel Berry: I just don't understand. You... you're my mom. I feel awful right now, and I should want to fall into your arms and let you rock me and tell me everything is gonna be fine, but... I just don't feel it.
- Shelby Corcoran: It's because I'm your mother, but I'm not your mom.
- Rachel Berry: So, what? Do we just pretend we don't know each other now?
- Shelby Corcoran: That seems silly. Let's just be grateful for one another, from afar. For a while. Don't think for a second I'm gonna soft on you during regionals.
- Rachel Berry: Bring it.
- Shelby Corcoran: I know why you called, and don't worry about it. My reconnection with Rachel is not some kind of plot to mess with you guys before regionals.
- Will Schuester: I'm not worried about regionals. It's Rachel. She's special. She's got all of the best of you; she's strong-willed, dramatic, wildly talented.
- Shelby Corcoran: Go on.
- Will Schuester: But she's not hard like you. She's fragile, over-emotional. And she's clearly convinced herself that you are as committed to this reunion as she is. And I don't think you are. You're not prepared to have a teenage daughter. Are you?
- Shelby Corcoran: I can't have any more kids. There were issues a few years back. Then some surgery, and that's that. I really wanted a daughter. That's why it was so important to me to make that bond with her. But you're right. I wanted my baby back. Rachel's an adult now. She doesn't need me.
- Will Schuester: Shelby, I can't tell you what to do, but if you really love her, you have to tell her what you just told me.
- Dave Karofsky: What up, Finn?
- Azimio: What's that on your face? You got a bad pimple or something?
- Dave Karofsky: A Finn-ple?
- [they both laugh]
- Dave Karofsky: Oh, dude, are you wearing makeup?
- Azimio: I knew it was contagious. You moved in with that little Kurt kid and now you got a bad case of the gay.
- Finn Hudson: It's just something for Glee Club, all right?
- Dave Karofsky: [shoving him into a wall] Oh, well then it's definitely not gay, huh?
- Finn Hudson: [shoving back] Get out of my way!
- Azimio: Come on, man, how many times do we got to go through this? You being a jock and being in this Glee Club does not make you versatile. It makes you bisexual.
- Dave Karofsky: And if we have to kick your ass to make you understand that, then our schedules are wide open.
- Azimio: Get out of my bathroom. You girls, y'all belong across the hallway.
- Will Schuester: Oh, hey, Finn. Come on in. I'm learning all this amazing stuff about Lady Gaga. She's got this thing called the Haus of Gaga, which is, like, this collective of artists and designers who collaborate on... on her styles and stage sets and her music. And I think it's an exciting model for what we could be doing in Glee Club.
- Finn Hudson: Yeah, that's kind of what I wanted to talk to you about. I don't want to do Lady Gaga. And I suspect that, with the exception of Kurt, that none of the other guys are gonna want to do it either. I just feel like we're always doing whatever the girls want us to do.
- Will Schuester: Yeah. Yeah, you're right. You know, maybe I haven't been listening to you guys hard enough. So let's find a solution.
- Finn Hudson: Well, I, uh... I actually already have one.
- Rachel Berry: Did you ever regret it?
- Shelby Corcoran: Yes. Then no. Then so much.
- Rachel Berry: W... when did you realize it was the right time for me to find you?
- Shelby Corcoran: I saw you sing at sectionals. You were extraordinary. You were me.
- Rachel Berry: Was it hard for you to not become a star? To not have your dreams come true?
- Shelby Corcoran: It felt liked a broken promise. Like the Fisher King's wound; never heals.
- Rachel Berry: Wow. Genetics really are amazing. You see the world with the same fierce theatricality as I do. Even the way we're sitting right now is so dramatic, and yet we feel so comfortable with it.
- Shelby Corcoran: I've missed so much. How do you feel?
- Rachel Berry: Thirsty. When I was little and I used to get sad, my dads would bring me a glass of water. It got so I couldn't tell if I was sad or just thirsty.
- Shelby Corcoran: Uh... I shouldn't have done this.
- [standing to leave]
- Shelby Corcoran: This was supposed to feel good. W... we were supposed to have some kind of slow-motion run into each other's arms. This is all wrong.
- Rachel Berry: Maybe we can just go to dinner or something, just to get over the initial shock?
- Shelby Corcoran: I'm so sorry, Rachel. Uh... I'll... I'll call you.