Glee (TV Series)

Laryngitis (2010)

Chris Colfer: Kurt Hummel

Photos 

Quotes 

• Burt Hummel : That was some serious singing, kid.

  Kurt Hummel : That was "Rose's Turn".

  Burt Hummel : I could get into that, maybe.

  Kurt Hummel : What happened to the hoagies?

  Burt Hummel : Ah, blew it off. You know, too much cholesterol.

  Kurt Hummel : I bet Finn was disappointed.

  Burt Hummel : He understood, uh... once I told him how bent out of shape I thought you were.

  Kurt Hummel : Me? I'm fine.

  Burt Hummel : Kurt, I'm dumb, but I'm not stupid. And I have no idea what that song was about, but "fine" don't sing like you just sung.

• Burt Hummel : Hey, Kurt.

  Kurt Hummel : Dad? What are you doing here? Is everything okay?

  Burt Hummel : Oh, I'm here to pick up Finn. I got a pair of tickets to the Reds game, and Carole said that Finn's never been to a major league game. I mean, it's Cincinnati, so it's barely the major leagues, but still.

  Kurt Hummel : And why wasn't I invited?

  Burt Hummel : [with a laugh]  Are you kidding me? Every time I sit down to watch a game, you start in on the fact that all the players are wearing stirrup pants.

  Kurt Hummel : Because there's never an excuse for stirrup pants!

• Sue Sylvester : You know, there's only one person in the world who can tell you what you are.

  Kurt Hummel : [smiling]  Me.

  Sue Sylvester : No. Me. Sue Sylvester. And she hasn't quite made up her mind about you.

• Burt Hummel : Maybe I got carried away doing stuff with Finn. But I told you, this thing with you was going to be hard.

  Kurt Hummel : "Thing with me". You mean being gay?

  Burt Hummel : Yeah. Being gay. Look, I will fight to the death for your right to love whoever you want, but when you were a little baby in my arms, did I dream about taking you to baseball games and talking about girls? Yeah, I did. A lot of fathers do.

  Kurt Hummel : I had no idea how disappointing I was.

  Burt Hummel : Hey, come on, now, stop it right now. I'm... I'm talking straight to you. Don't go playing the victim. You know that's not what I mean.

  Kurt Hummel : [fighting back tears]  I know. I'm sorry. I know you're working hard on yourself to make all this okay. Just seeing you, the way you are with Finn, how easy it is... it breaks my heart.

  Burt Hummel : Is that why you were pretending to date that daffy cheerleader? And dressing differently and singing Mellencamp?

  Kurt Hummel : I just want you to know that... I'm going to work as hard as you to make this okay.

  Burt Hummel : You don't have to work at anything, Kurt. Your job... is to be yourself, and my job is to love you, no matter what. Okay? That and a majority ownership in a tire store, that's all we got. Okay? We stick to that, we're gonna be great.

• Burt Hummel : [walking in on Kurt making out with Brittany]  Whoa. Am I interrupting something?

  Kurt Hummel : You sure are.

  Burt Hummel : Okay, I'm confused. I came home to find this note on your doorknob: "Do not enter under any circumstances, I'm making out with a girl." I just thought it was the start of one of your murder mystery dinners.

  Kurt Hummel : Dad, I really need you to accept my privacy. Brittany and I were just, uh, having sexual relations.

  Burt Hummel : [quietly, as Brittany waves]  Hi.

  [he gestures to Kurt that he wants to talk privately] 

  Burt Hummel : Kurt, uh... I've been sorta dealing for months with you being gay and everything, and now you're telling me that's not the case?

  Kurt Hummel : Dad, you and I have more in common than I would have thought. The flannel, the Mellencamp... the ladies.

  Burt Hummel : Okay, well... you're free to be whoever you are, okay? You just let me know when you make up your mind, I'm gonna do the best I can. But I'm good either way.

  [to Brittany] 

  Burt Hummel : Nice to meet you. You kids be careful, all right? And you gotta respect her, all right? If things get serious, use protection.

  Brittany S. Pierce : [Burt leaves]  Does he mean like a burglar alarm?

• Kurt Hummel : Our assignment for Glee Club is to find a song that reflects our voice.

  Sue Sylvester : Yeah, you know what? I checked out of this conversation about a minute back. So, uh, good luck with your troubles, and I'm gonna make it a habit not to stop and talk to students, 'cause this has been a colossal waste of my time.

• Brittany S. Pierce : Your hands are really soft.

  Kurt Hummel : My secret? Duck fat.

  [passing Artie and other students] 

  Kurt Hummel : Hey, guys. Just holding hands with Brittany.

  Brittany S. Pierce : Seriously, they feel like a baby. Now what I know what it's like to date a baby.

• Kurt Hummel : [making out with Brittany]  Your lip gloss tastes like root beet. It's weird. Can I ask you something? What do boys' lips taste like?

  Brittany S. Pierce : Usually dip. Sometimes they taste like burgers. Or my armpits. Kissing my armpits is a really big turn-on for me.

• Brittany S. Pierce : Hey, Kurt. That song was hot.

  Kurt Hummel : Oh.

  [with a Southern twang] 

  Kurt Hummel : Merci.

  Brittany S. Pierce : So, you're pretty much the only guy in this school I haven't made out with, because I thought you were capital "G" gay. But now that you're not, having a perfect record would mean a lot to me. So let me know if you want to tap this.

• Kurt Hummel : [after singing "Pink Houses"]  Is there something wrong, Mr. Schue?

  Will Schuester : I don't really think you got the point of the assignment. This was about finding a song that expresses who you are. That song really didn't sound like you.

  Kurt Hummel : Well, I'm sorry if I didn't live up to your expectations.

  Will Schuester : No, no. This group needs you to be you, Kurt. You can literally do things that no one else can.

  Kurt Hummel : I'm not a box. There are more than four sides to me.

  Will Schuester : Don't lose track of who you are just because it might be easier to be somebody else.

• Burt Hummel : Hey, Kurt, you want to speak to me?

  Kurt Hummel : Hey, dad, yeah. I was just, uh, working on my glee club assignment. "Pink Houses" by John Mellencamp.

  Burt Hummel : [Kurt steps out dressed like him]  Oh. Really? I didn't think that was in your wheelhouse.

  Kurt Hummel : Yeah, I think it's really brave for a Midwesterner like himself to, uh, write a song about such bold interior design.

  Burt Hummel : You know, that's not what the song's about.

  Kurt Hummel : Really?

  Burt Hummel : No, it's about how the '80s were a tough time for a lot of people and how the American Dream isn't all it's cracked up to be.

  Kurt Hummel : Hmm. Fascinating. Hey, why don't we go grab a couple burgers and, uh, you can tell me more about it?

  Burt Hummel : Sure. But I gotta be honest, that's pretty much what every Mellencamp song is about. But you know what? I'll get my coat. Anything to help you out.