The Big Bang Theory (TV Series)

The Jiminy Conjecture (2009)

Simon Helberg: Howard Wolowitz

Photos 

Quotes 

• Professor Crawley : It's a field cricket.

  Howard Wolowitz : Yes!

  Sheldon : No, wait. Dr. Crawley, are you sure?

  Professor Crawley : Young man, I've been studying insects since I was eight years old. You know what they used to call me in school? "Creepy Crawley"!

  Sheldon : Cruel as that may be, that is not in itself a credential.

  Professor Crawley : Let me show you something. You see that?

  [showing them a beetle in a tank] 

  Professor Crawley : That's a Crawley's Dung Beetle. I discovered it after spending six months slogging through the Bornean rain forests, while my wife was back home shacking up with a two-bit ornithologist who lives on a sailboat and likes to wear boot-cut jeans. So when I tell you that that's a common field cricket, you can take that to the damn bank, 'cause god knows I can't! That tramp took me for everything!

  Sheldon : [awkward silence]  Well, apparently I was wrong.

• Howard Wolowitz : Tell you what; I'm willing to bet ANYTHING, that's an ordinary field cricket.

  Sheldon : I can't take your money.

  Howard Wolowitz : What's the matter? You chicken?

  Sheldon : I've always found that an inappropriate slur. Chickens are not, by nature, at all timid. In fact, when I was young, my neighbor's chicken got loose and chased me up the big elm tree in front of our house.

  Rajesh Koothrappali : Chickens can't climb trees.

  Sheldon : Thank God.

  Howard Wolowitz : Okay.

  [Holds hands up in surrender] 

  Howard Wolowitz : I believe a chicken made you his bitch.

• Leonard Hofstadter : It's just that the sex was not the way I dreamt it would be.

  Howard Wolowitz : Hell, sex is never the way I dreamed.

  Rajesh Koothrappali : That's because in your dreams, you're a horse from the waist down.

• Professor Crawley : I haven't even packed yet, and you're already measuring my lab for one of your godless laser machines.

  Howard Wolowitz : No, you don't understand. We just want to ask you a question.

  Professor Crawley : Let me ask you one first. What's a world renowned entomologist with a doctorate and 20 years of experience to do with his life when the university cuts off the funding for his lab, huh?

  Rajesh Koothrappali : Ask rhetorical questions that make people uncomfortable?

• Leonard Hofstadter : We don't have to have sex every night.

  Howard Wolowitz : You don't, but it's highly recomended.

• Sheldon Cooper : Did I cross a line?

  Rajesh Koothrappali : Of course. You...

  Howard Wolowitz : No, let him figure it out by himself.

• Howard Wolowitz : [a cricket chirps]  What was that?

  Sheldon Cooper : Hold on.

  [Looks at watch while cricket chirps] 

  Sheldon Cooper : That is a snowy tree cricket.

  Howard Wolowitz : How can you tell?

  Sheldon Cooper : In 1890, Emile Dolbear determined that there was a fixed relationship between the number of chirps per minute of the snowy tree cricket and the ambient temperature; a precise relationship that is not present with ordinary field crickets.

  Rajesh Koothrappali : And how do you know what the ambient room temperature is?

  Sheldon Cooper : According to our agreement, I have unilateral control over the thermostat since the sweaty night in '06.

• Howard Wolowitz : No, you're misunderstanding. A shiksa goddess isn't an actual goddess. You don't pray *to* them, we prey *on* them.

  Rajesh Koothrappali : Whatever, dude. The point is, Leonard's got one and you don't.

• Howard Wolowitz : Don't push me, Sheldon. I may be small, but I took kung fu when I was thirteen and I remember a good deal of it!

  Sheldon : Oh, really? Well, I grew up with an older brother and a very contentious twin sister, and I believe I could easily best you in any physical confrontation, be it noogies, swirlies, or the classic "Why are you hitting yourself?"

  Rajesh Koothrappali : Ooh. Big talk from a man who was once treed by a chicken.

• Howard Wolowitz : [Opens book]  There we are, the common field cricket. Gryllus assimilis, which is Latin for "Suck it, you lose!"

  Sheldon Cooper : Hang on.

  [Leafs through book] 

  Sheldon Cooper : Voila! The snowy tree cricket. Oceanthus fultoni, which is Latin for "I'll suck nothing." Of course, I'm joking, because the Latin for that is "Nihil exsorbibo".

• Leonard Hofstadter : [sighs]  God, I had the most horrible night.

  Sheldon : What happened? Obviously another carnal fiasco with the "shiksi" goddess.

  Howard Wolowitz : Shiksa. Shiksa. Shik-sa.

  Sheldon : Forgive me. Yiddish was not spoken in East Texas. And if it was, it wasn't spoken for long.

  Howard Wolowitz : Yeah, fine, whatever. The point is you're wrong, again.

  Sheldon : We haven't established that I'm wrong once.

• Howard Wolowitz : Sheldon, you're wrong! Wolverine was not born with bone claws.

  Sheldon : Howard, you know me to be a very smart man. Don't you think if I were wrong, I'd know it?

  Howard Wolowitz : First of all...

  Rajesh Koothrappali : Give it up, dude. You're arguing with a crazy person.