Community (TV Series)

Introduction to Film (2009)

John Michael Higgins: Professor Whitman

Photos 

Quotes 

• Professor Whitman : I think I shall have...

  [tears up menu] 

  Professor Whitman : ... a birthday cake!

• [Professor Whitman has gotten the students to stand on their desks] 

  Professor Whitman : All our lives, we're told "Don't stand on your desk." Well, why not?

  [One student crashes to the floor after her desk collapses] 

• Professor Whitman : What's your name?

  Shirley : My name is Shirley Bennett.

  Professor Whitman : Shirley, you get an "A"... Oh. If you can tell me why you are here at Greendale. Shirley?

  Shirley : [sweet voice]  To get a degree in business so I can sell my baked goods and whatnot on the internet.

  Professor Whitman : Why... are you here?

  Shirley : [confused serious voice]  To get a degree in business so I can sell my baked goods and whatnot on the internet.

  Professor Whitman : [loudly insistent]  Why are you here?

  Shirley : Because I wasted 15 years of my life on a man who left me with nothing but stretch marks and a foggy memory of two bland orgasms. And now it's time to get what's mine.

  Professor Whitman : Day seized.

• Britta : For someone who doesn't like getting involved, well, I owe you.

  Jeff Winger : You owe me. That cannot be comfortable for you.

  Britta : Hey, um, you should kiss me right now.

  [Jeff kisses Britta] 

  Professor Whitman : Day seized!

  Britta : We're even.

  [walks away] 

  Professor Whitman : [laughs]  "A" plus, winger. I know a life-changing kiss when I see one. Wowee! ha ha!

  [laughing] 

  Jeff Winger : [dejectedly to a now absent Britta]  Yeah. Fooled you.

• Professor Whitman : Day seized.

  [applause] 

  Professor Whitman : Only when we stop stopping our lives can we begin to start starting them. Ms. Edison here, for example, would rather write about what happens to other people than live what is happening to her.

  Annie Edison : I thought there might be a quiz.

  Professor Whitman : Well, here's a quiz for you. Why did the pretty young girl die alone surrounded by sweater-wearing cats who are trained to use human toilets?

• Professor Whitman : Had I not already cried at the sunrise this morning, I would be weeping right now.

  Jeff Winger : What does that mean?

• Jeff Winger : What does that mean?

  Professor Whitman : What do you mean, Jeff? What does your life mean? How long does it take you in the morning to--to make it look like you have bed head? How many sweat pants, sport jacket combos did you try before you found the one that said "i don't care"? Seize the day, Jeff, for real. Go running naked in a hailstorm, kiss a girl in the middle of the day, fly a kite, but do it for yourself. Or you won't just fail my class, you'll fail life.

• Professor Whitman : Why did the pretty young girl die alone surrounded by sweater-wearing cats who are trained to use human toilets? Get up on your desk. Come on. Stand on your desk. Up on your desk. She made it! Ha ha!

  Professor Whitman : Everyone stand on your desks! Up, up, up, up, up! Come on. Rise, rise, rise above the programming. All your lives you were told don't stand on your desks. Well, why not?

  [desk collapses] 

  Professor Whitman : She's okay.

  Professor Whitman : Go to the nurse. Seize the day.

• Professor Whitman : Death... so-called... is a thing that makes men weep. And yet a third of life is spent in sleep. Open your textbooks to page 37. Now... close them and throw them away. Throw it away!

  [laughs and tosses textbook] 

  Professor Whitman : Throw it away!

  [students toss their textbooks] 

  Professor Whitman : For those of you who are new, the motto of this class: carpe diem. "seize the day!" No tests! no papers. You want an "A"? Live in... the moment.

  Jeff Winger : Jackpot.

  Professor Whitman : Take off your shoes. Quick. Take off your shoes. Everyone, take your shoes off. Throw them away. Throw them across the room over there.

  [students remove and toss shoes] 

  Professor Whitman : Today, we learn to walk! Get up and walk out the door! This day could be your last! You could die in your sleep. You could get hit by a bus. You, that mole is raised and dark. It's not a good combo. You are new.

  Jeff Winger : Yes, I'm new. But I'll be old too soon. Carpe diem, sir. Carpe diem!

  Professor Whitman : [laughs]  I like it!