- Melissa: Well, I'm off to work.
- Alan Harper: Oh. Have a good day, Sweetie.
- Melissa: I'll be home about 6:30.
- Alan Harper: Okay.
- Charlie Harper: Alan?
- Alan Harper: She's not living here.
- Charlie Harper: Just checkin'.
- Jake Harper: [to himself] And he calls *me* stupid.
- Charlie Harper: [Seeing Eddie walk out of the toilet with a guitar] You were in there with your guitar?
- Eddie Van Halen: You never know when inspiration might strike.
- [Plays a quick guitar solo]
- Eddie Van Halen: That's called "Two Burritos and a Root Beer Float"!
- Dr. Linda Freeman: [Charlie seeking help on his constipation] Look, Charlie. You obviously still have feelings for Mia and yet you're committed to Chelsea. It's an emotional conflict and until you resolve that conflict you're going to be physically blocked.
- Charlie Harper: English, please.
- Dr. Linda Freeman: As soon as you pick one, you can go two.
- Charlie Harper: What happens if I can't pick?
- Dr. Linda Freeman: I don't know. C-section?