Baywatch (2017)
Dwayne Johnson: Mitch Buchannon
Photos
Quotes
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Mitch Buchannon : There's your cot, don't jack off on my sheets.
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Victoria Leeds : Time to die, boys.
Mitch Buchannon : No! I was born of the sea. I eat fire coral and I piss salt water. I scratch my back with a whale's dick, and I loofah my chest with his ballsack.
Victoria Leeds : What the fuck?
Mitch Buchannon : I'll die when the tide stops and the moon drowns. Until then... I'm oceanic, motherfucker.
Victoria Leeds : How tacky.
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Mitch Buchannon : How about diamond smugglers who are putting the rocks in surfboards and bringing them ashore?
Matt Brody : Everything that you guys are talking about sounds like a really, like, entertaining but far-fetched TV show.
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Mitch Buchannon : My gut says there's some bad shit going on over there, and my balls say we need to go over there and check it out.
Matt Brody : Your balls said that?
Mitch Buchannon : Yes, they did.
Matt Brody : Okay, my balls say
[in a high-pitched voice]
Matt Brody : "just take it easy right here. Just chill."
Mitch Buchannon : Why the fuck do your balls sound like three-year-old girls?
Matt Brody : I don't know, man. That's just how they talk. But they're wise.
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Matt Brody : What do you mean 'You People'?
Mitch Buchannon : You don't get to say that. You're just tan.
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[flaming clothing lands on Matt]
Matt Brody : That wasn't so bad.
[a dismembered foot lands on Matt]
Matt Brody : [screams]
Mitch Buchannon : That's good luck, pick it up.
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[final scene]
Mitch Buchannon : Uh, guys, after finding the drugs, helping save Chen and helping me blow up the bad girl with a Roman candle, it's a pleasure to say you are officially no longer trainees.
CJ Parker : Whoo!
[everyone applauds]
Mitch Buchannon : Congratulations!
CJ Parker : Yeah, guys.
Mitch Buchannon : Hey, guys, one more important thing. I want to introduce you to our new captain who has been running our Hawaii division very successfully for years now: the amazing Captain Casey Jean.
[Casey Jean appears in slow motion. Matt and Ronnie are stunned]
Ronnie Greenbaum : Is it just me, or is she in...
Stephanie Holden : *Super* slow motion?
Summer Quinn : Yeah.
CJ Parker : [dryly] Wow. This is gonna take a while.
Mitch Buchannon : [winks] That's how we roll.
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Mitch Buchannon : You going night-night, bitch.
