Royal Pains (TV Series)

If I Were a Sick Man (2009)

Paulo Costanzo: Evan R. Lawson

Quotes 

• Evan R. Lawson : Last night, I was at this club. I was hitting on the hottest girl there, like, by far, the hottest girl there - she's a model from Wilhelmina - and I was right about to close the deal, like, right, right, right there, and then she found I didn't have a car. You know what she said?

  Tucker Bryant : Now wait, now hold... You don't have a car?

  Evan R. Lawson : That's exactly what she said! Like, that's... even the way she said it! I heard that, like, three times last night.

  Tucker Bryant : Well, listen, Dad does a lot of business with Bridgehampton Motors. Tell 'em Marshall Bryant sent you. They'll... they'll hook you up.

  Evan R. Lawson : Really?

  Tucker Bryant : Yeah.

  Evan R. Lawson : Thanks, man. Wow.

  Tucker Bryant : No problem, dude. It was nice to meet you. I gotta go.

  Evan R. Lawson : Okay. You know what? Uh... Let me return the favor by dropping some of my lady knowledge on you.

  Tucker Bryant : Your lady knowledge?

  Evan R. Lawson : Yeah. Knowledge about ladies. Not just stuff ladies know. You know, lady knowledge. Yeah, I get around.

  Tucker Bryant : Without a car?

  Evan R. Lawson : Let's not dwell on that, okay? Let's just move past that.

• [repeated line] 

  Evan R. Lawson : It's not rifling if you know what you're looking for.

• Evan R. Lawson : So, why don't you just, uh, drop me at the dealership, do your follow-up, call, and pick me up on your way back?

  Divya Katdare : Because that would deprive us of valuable bonding time.

  Evan R. Lawson : Okay. Great. Cool. What do you... what would you like to...

  Divya Katdare : Evan! It's because they're in opposite directions. I was being sarcastic.

  Evan R. Lawson : Yeah. Right, yeah, well, y... it's hard to tell with your accent sometimes, so, uh... that's cool. Sorry.

• Bonnie Day : You say there's two Divya Katdare's in the Hamptons?

  Evan R. Lawson : Yeah, the odds of that would be redi...

  Divya Katdare : [sternly]  Evan, go wait in the car!

  Evan R. Lawson : So, I'm gonna go wait in the car. It's been a pleasure meeting you, though. Bye.

• Evan R. Lawson : Why're you so clinical? Divya, it's not a "situation," it's a wedding. It's... it's two people in love, forcing their friends to dance to 'We Are Family,' you know. It's... it's... it's sac... Wait a minute. Is this an arranged marriage?

• Evan R. Lawson : People don't usually ask questions they don't want the answers to.

• Divya Katdare : I feel useless out here. Is that what it's like to be you?

  Evan R. Lawson : Wow. Do you treat patients with that bedside manner? You know, I could have a fatal disease right now. It wouldn't kill you to say something nice, you know.

  Divya Katdare : I know, but why risk it?

• Evan R. Lawson : I love you so much. Oh, my god, I love you so much. I don't even know what to do with myself, I love you so much.

  Dr. Hank Lawson : I love you, too.

  Evan R. Lawson : I was talkin' to the car.