- Morticia Addams: Remember, darling, you don't know anything about failing.
- Gomez Addams: You're right, Tish! What I need is a role model: a loser, a dud, a washout, a flop! A worthless wretch of a human being!
- Uncle Fester: Oh, Gomez, you're making me all misty-eyed! That man is me!
- Gomez Addams: Would you...?
- Uncle Fester: Oh, it would be an honor, brother o' mine!
- Morticia Addams: I've finished welding your helmet, and notified the press about your stunt.
- Gomez Addams: But this helmet is about two sizes too small for me. It'll squeeze my head like a vise!
- Morticia Addams: Just the way you like it!
- Gomez Addams: Picture this, Tish: I'll be shot from a cannon, soar across the city and ricochet wildly off the buildings in downtown Happydale Heights, before flying home and landing in a cup of tea in the foyer. Thanks, Thing...
- [takes the teacup from Thing]
- Morticia Addams: But darling, that's the same thing you do every Thursday.
- Gomez Addams: [suiting up] Ah, yes! This time, I'll be knitting a sweater!
- [gets in the cannon]
- Gomez Addams: And everybody knows I can't knit.
- Morticia Addams: A brilliant idea, bubbele.
- Gomez Addams: [excited] Tish! That's French!
- Morticia Addams: No, darling, it's not.
- Gomez Addams: Well, it's close enough for me!
- Wednesday Addams: Mother, Father, there be many bulldozers out front!
- Morticia Addams: Oh how nice, visitors!
- Pugsley Addams: Uh-uh, they're not visitors, Mom! They're from the city!
- Wednesday Addams: Father, the foreman says the land you sold was our house. They're going to demolish it!
- Pugsley Addams: Hey, Dad, wanna help us make the Mona Lisa frown?
- Gomez Addams: Nope. Done that too.
- Wednesday Addams: Don't worry, Father. We understand.
- [Wednesday and Pugsley leave]
- Pugsley Addams: Hey, Mona...
- [a scream is heard]
- Morticia Addams: Darling, this must be really bothering you. The last time you shook Uncle Fester like that you were trying to get the termites out of his sinuses.
- Gomez Addams: Tish, I just feel like there's nothing left for me to do! I've done everything! I need a challenge!
- Morticia Addams: Well, dear, I understand Uncle Fester needs his back shaved...
- Uncle Fester: [appearing with a broken barbershop pole and a lawnmower] Oh, come on, Gomez, I'm getting kinda itchy!
- Gomez Addams: I'm sorry, old boy, it'll have to wait. I need a new challenge!
- Uncle Fester: Oh, darn... hey, Lurch! You got a sec?
- Morticia Addams: Of all the challenges you've tried, darling, how many have you succeeded in?
- Gomez Addams: All of them!
- Morticia Addams: Hmmm... maybe that's your answer...
- Gomez Addams: What? What?
- Morticia Addams: The one thing you've never done is fail!
- Gomez Addams: Eureka! Cara mia, you're a genius! Failure, that's my new challenge! Next time you look at me, Tish, you'll be looking at a failure!
- [Gomez and Fester search for worthless stock]
- Uncle Fester: [looking in the paper] Here's a good one!
- Gomez Addams: Which one?
- Uncle Fester: [cackling] Oh, I was talking about the obituaries in the newspaper!
- [chuckles]
- Uncle Fester: They re... they really crack me up!
- Gomez Addams: [taking the paper] Please, Fester. This is no time to...
- [giggles]
- Gomez Addams: You know, they are funnier than usual.
- Uncle Fester: [laughs] I told you!
- [Gomez crash-lands home]
- Morticia Addams: Are you all right, darling?
- Gomez Addams: [depressed] Want a sweater?
- [holds it out]
- Uncle Fester: I'll take it! I think I've got some of that chocolate left!
- Pugsley Addams: Bad news from the chocolate diet centre, Dad!
- Wednesday Addams: People became sick from Uncle Fester's recipe and started losing weight.
- [the Addams home is flooded with money]
- Wednesday Addams: That means your diet centre's...
- Gomez Addams: Let me guess: a booming success.
- Uncle Fester: I just don't get it, Gomez. I mean, how could one man make this much money in just six hours?
- Morticia Addams: Oh, darling. Maybe you're cursed!
- Gomez Addams: Oh, Tish, don't try to cheer me up! It's hopeless!, I'm nothing more than a pathetic success of an Addams!
- Gomez Addams: Hello, Normanmeyer. I haven't seen you since the day our stuffed lion chased you home.
- Mr. Normanmeyer: Ooh! It's not around here, is it?
- Mr. Normanmeyer: Addams, I understand that you've been trying to fail...
- Gomez Addams: Tish! It's all over town! What will the children do when the other kids tease them about their father who just can't fail?
- Morticia Addams: There, there, dear, I'm sure they won't love their father any less. Will you, Pugsley?
- Pugsley Addams: [brandishing a spiked flail] 'Course not, Mom! Oh, Wednesday... Olly olly oxen free! Come on, girl! Big brother's got a present for you...
- Mr. Normanmeyer: Well, as a concerned underwear-coveting member of the community, I'm here to help. It's the prudent thing to do. And I've got your ticket to failure, Addams!
- Gomez Addams: [overjoyed] What a neighbor! Normanmeyer, old man, what is it? What is it?
- Mr. Normanmeyer: [bringing out a map] The city needs a small piece of land to finish building Happydale Hight's new freeway.
- Gomez Addams: Please, say that it's one of my pieces of land!
- Mr. Normanmeyer: Bingo! And you can sell it to us really cheap!
- Gomez Addams: At a major loss?
- Mr. Normanmeyer: Generally speaking. You'll be the laughingstock of the neighborhood!
- Gomez Addams: Did you hear that, Tish? I'll be a laughingstock! Scorned by the very community in which I live!
- Morticia Addams: Mother and Father Addams would be so proud of you!
- Gomez Addams: Hurry, Normanmeyer, let's make this official!
- Uncle Fester: [brandishing a new pair of underwear] Hey, Lurch, get the dipping stick! I want you to taste something!
- Morticia Addams: Why, what's wrong, darling?
- Gomez Addams: [sobbing] I'm the luckiest man on earth... I've got a family that supported me even before I became a failure!
- [Thing gives Gomez a handkerchief]
- Morticia Addams: There, there, dear. That's what families are for.
- Uncle Fester: Come on, Gomez! Let's go frolic together in an old-fashioned natural disaster!
- [laughs]
- Gomez Addams: Bulldoze our house? They can't build a freeway on this land!
- Uncle Fester: How come? You know how much I like to hang from exit signs and wave at passing cars!
- Gomez Addams: Normanmeyer, I see what you were trying to do, and let me tell you one thing... I really appreciate it.
- Mr. Normanmeyer: Come again?
- Gomez Addams: Even though it would mean certain failure for me, I can't let you go through with it!
- Gomez Addams: [producing a title deed] My great-great-grandfathter Goober Addams built our house here to enjoy the swamp.
- [an alligator slithers by and frightens Normanmeyer]
- Gomez Addams: What a trooper, that Normanmeyer is.
- [sighs deeply]
- Gomez Addams: Not only does he try to help me, but he gets to enjoy the benefits of a freeway running through his house, and here I sit a miserable success...
- Morticia Addams: You know, dear, I've been thinking... maybe you have failed.
- Gomez Addams: Querida... Stop trying to cheer me up!
- Morticia Addams: No, dear. Think about it, didn't you fail at failing?
- Gomez Addams: Yes, but that's not... Eureka! You're right, Tish! I've failed at failing! Yes!
- [runs around the house in euphoria]
- Gomez Addams: Fester, do you realize what that makes me?
- Uncle Fester: [who was trying to chop a rodent] Ah, a gardener?
- Gomez Addams: No, dear brother! A bona fide, dyed-in-the-wool Addams failure!
- Gomez Addams: Fester, old boy, your great chocolate convinced me to open up a whole chain of chocolate diet centres!
- Pugsley Addams: And we're glad we get to run 'em for you, Dad!
- Wednesday Addams: That's right. The last thing people on a diet should do is consume mass quantities of chocolate.
- Gomez Addams: Aha! Here's a new challenge: flossing my teeth vigorously with red-hot barbed wire!
- [Lurch moans]
- Gomez Addams: You're right, Lurch. I've already done that...
- Uncle Fester: Gee, Gomez, how would you like to put me in a headlock and bang my head against the wall?
- [chuckles]
- Gomez Addams: Nah, I've done that before too.
- Uncle Fester: Yeah, but not lately...