- Will McKenzie: [after Chloe has dumped Jay] Alright you big poof? Where's your bit then? I thought you'd be having it up to your nuts in guts.
- Jay Cartwright: [lying] Nah, I had to er, I had to give her the boot.
- Will McKenzie: Did you? I thought you were really into her?
- Jay Cartwright: Nah, she was like frigid, and she wouldn't have this threesome, even though I organised it with a top lezzer model, and
- [sobs]
- Jay Cartwright: my cock was too big for her!
- [breaks down]
- Simon Cooper: No-one brings a bag of shit to a pub.
- Jay Cartwright: Your dad does.
- Simon Cooper: Does he?
- Jay Cartwright: Yeah, your mum!
- [Will is musing about Carli kissing Simon]
- Will McKenzie: [voice over] So he'd finally worn her down, and Simon didn't know whether to come in his pants or text his friends. In the end, he did both.
- Will McKenzie: [after having soiled himself in the exam] I thought it was a fart sir, I thought it was safe.