- Chuck Bartowski: For whatever it's worth, if I have to spend the rest of my days in a dark windowless room, I can't think of a better person to spend it with.
- Sarah Walker: Not really how this works.
- Chuck Bartowski: What? We can't request a cozy little two-bed, two-bath cell?
- Sarah Walker: Two-bed?
- Morgan Grimes: [Reading a note from Morgan] IOU one condom. Your pal, Morgan.
- Chuck Bartowski: I'm gonna kill you, Morgan!
- Chuck Bartowski: "Colonel" Casey, huh? Now I get it. Now I understand why you'd betray your own team.
- John Casey: I never betray my team. You went AWOL. You betrayed me. Don't you ever forget that.
- Chuck Bartowski: So sorry, colonel. But congratulations on that chicken franchise you've always wanted.
- Devon 'Captain Awesome' Woodcomb: You need help, bro. You need serious psychiatric help.
- John Casey: Hmm.
- [Draws out handgun and advances]
- Devon 'Captain Awesome' Woodcomb: John? Whoa, John. What are you doing, man? Put the gun away, dude.
- [firm]
- Devon 'Captain Awesome' Woodcomb: Bro, take another step and I will drop you.
- Devon 'Captain Awesome' Woodcomb: Chuck. Chuck, this is crazy. We've got to call the police.
- Chuck Bartowski: Devon, we can't do that. Here, drink this.
- Devon 'Captain Awesome' Woodcomb: He tried to kill me. Why can't we call the cops?
- Chuck Bartowski: Because I am the cops.
- Chuck Bartowski: I have very sensitive sinuses.
- John Casey: Well, 9mm of hot lead should clear that right out! Did you really think you could run away from me? Let's go!
- Ted Roark: Of course, if this doesn't work, I'm afraid I'm going to have to go back to that bit where I kill everybody.
- Chuck Bartowski: What if it does work?
- Ted Roark: If it does work, same result. But you know, you should root for it. Nobody likes a cynic.
- Jeff Barnes: Dude keeps a Chuck diary.
- Lester Patel: [shows the diary] Bathroom visits, and durations.
- Jeff Barnes: Keys. Duct tape. High grade chloroform...
- Devon 'Captain Awesome' Woodcomb: Whoa.
- Jeff Barnes: From one stalker to another, I'm impressed.
- Morgan Grimes: Anna Wu, will you come to Hawaii with me? Where I will learn the ancient art of Hibachi.
- Anna Wu: Morgan, I thought you'd never ask!
- John Casey: What're you doin' here?
- Devon 'Captain Awesome' Woodcomb: Look, John... um... we need to talk. I get it, dude. Look, there was a time in my life that I didn't have a lot going on either: Dead-end job, no girl...
- John Casey: Really?
- Devon 'Captain Awesome' Woodcomb: Well, no, John. No.