- Morgan Derby: [after knocking the storekeeper out with a trash can] I had to do it, he's bigger than me.
- Uncle Ralph: One of the first things I learned as a beat cop: never trust a man who wears $800 shoes.
- Uncle Ralph: She's always been weird. As a little girl she had lists for everything.
- Morgan Derby: What do you mean?
- Uncle Ralph: Barbie's clothes, what I'm going to do next year, what I'm going to do 57 years from now.
- Uncle Ralph: Now look, Jen. You have always been... what is the word I'm looking for here... .
- Jennifer Cullen: Easy...
- Uncle Ralph: ...a very *cautious* girl, right? And Richard is a very safe, nice bet. And I'm saying that maybe it is time for you to break out, to take a risk!
- Jennifer Cullen: Look, this is crazy, okay? He's a virtual stranger. And- and Richard is a wonderful man. He's kind, and-and strong, and-and stable, and... He's solid.
- Uncle Ralph: Wow... sounds like a bookcase.
- Richard Windom: So, what'd ya think? They start running tomorrow.
- Jennifer Cullen: Ummm, I, I have to be honest. You really shouldn't be doing your own commercials.
- Richard Windom: I know I'm awful. But sales are up 32 percent. Everybody wants to see the terrible guy in the ad.
- Uncle Ralph: [Looking at a flight information board, he stops an airline employee] Excuse me, miss, I don't see Chicago. Can you help me?
- Airline Employee: [as she walks away] No, I can't.
- Uncle Ralph: And they pay you?
- Rita: [the nosey neighbor and street Christmas lights maven, after Jennifer pulls up with Uncle Ralph and Morgan Derby] So, uh, who's your friend?
- Jennifer Cullen: Oh, I don't know. Uncle Ralph found him on the airport floor.
- Morgan Derby: [On entering young Brian's room] You keep a very neat room, Brian.
- Brian Cullen: [In the trait of his mother] Organization saves time.