Jeff Dunham's Very Special Christmas Special (2008 TV Special)

Jeff Dunham: Self, Walter, Achmed the Dead Terrorist, Bubba J, Peanut, José Jalapeño on a Stick

Photos 

Quotes 

• Achmed the Dead Terrorist : [singing to the tune of "Jingle Bells"]  Dashing through the sand, / With a bomb strapped to my back, / I have a nasty plan / For Christmas in Iraq. / I got through Checkpoint A, / But not through checkpoint B. / That's when I got shot in the ass / By the U.S. military.

  [the audience applauds] 

  Achmed the Dead Terrorist : [spoken]  Silence! I'm not finished!

  [audience laughs] 

  Achmed the Dead Terrorist : And this is a sad song!

  [singing] 

  Achmed the Dead Terrorist : Oh, / Jingle bombs, jingle bombs, / Mine blew up, you see. / Where are all the virgins / That Bin Laden promised me? / Oh, / Jingle bombs, jingle bombs, / U.S. soldiers shot me dead. / The only thing that I have left / Is this towel upon my head. / I used to be a man, / But every time I cough, / Thanks to Uncle Sam, / My nuts keep falling off.

  [Dunham and Guitar Guy look at where Achmed's groin should be] 

  Achmed the Dead Terrorist : [spoken]  Stop looking, you perverts!

  [to a woman in the audience] 

  Achmed the Dead Terrorist : You can look, badonkadonk chick. And I have an Irish wiener. It's magically delicious!

  [to Dunham] 

  Achmed the Dead Terrorist : Okay, that's funny. I give you that one. That was good.

  [singing] 

  Achmed the Dead Terrorist : My bombing days are done. / I need to find some work. / Perhaps it would be much safer / As a convenient store night clerk. / Oh, / Jingle bombs, jingle bombs, / I think I am screwed. / Don't laugh at me because I'm dead / Or I kill you!

• Achmed the Dead Terrorist : Oh, crap, not again.

  [Looks at his feet] 

  Achmed the Dead Terrorist : Apparently I have polio, too.

  Jeff Dunham : Well, anybody with poliosis should certainly... Oh, wait.

  [laughing] 

  Jeff Dunham : Wait a minute.

  Achmed the Dead Terrorist : What the fuck is poliosis?

• Peanut : [singing to the tune of "O Tannenbaum"]  Oh, Jef-fa-fa, Oh Jef-fa-fa, / Without me, you would su-ca-ka. / Oh, Jef-fa-fa, Oh, Jef-fa-fa, / You are my bitch!

• Jeff Dunham : José, what do you want for Christmas?

  Peanut : I think he needs a bigger stick.

  José Jalapeño on a Stick : That's not what your mother said!

• Achmed the Dead Terrorist : Killing people is easy. Being politically correct is a pain in the ass.

• Jeff Dunham : [reading "The Night Before Christmas"]  "'Twas the night before Christmas..."

  Peanut : And all the Jews were at the movies!

  [laughter] 

  Peanut : Or eating Chinese food.

  [more laughter; Jeff stares at Peanut] 

  Peanut : I'm just trying to include *everybody*!

• Walter : I'm very happy for the African-Americans that they have the Kwanzaa holiday.

  Jeff Dunham : Yeah?

  Walter : How come there's no all-white holidays?

  Jeff Dunham : [laughing]  What?

  Walter : Merry Caucasia! Tonight, we'll be having our customary Caucasia dinner: meatloaf and tater tots. Then we'll be singing our traditional Caucasian songs, "Free Bird" and "Margaritaville".

• Achmed the Dead Terrorist : My life sucks.

  Jeff Dunham : Maybe you should talk to somebody who's had trouble in their lives as well.

  Achmed the Dead Terrorist : I don't know anybody like that.

  Jeff Dunham : You could talk to Walter.

  Achmed the Dead Terrorist : [Gasps]  He's not around here, is he?

  Jeff Dunham : Well yeah, he's back stage.

  Achmed the Dead Terrorist : [Shudders] 

  Jeff Dunham : Why are you afraid of Walter?

  Achmed the Dead Terrorist : He's one mean son of a bitch.

  Jeff Dunham : Well, I'm sorry you're frightened of him.

  Achmed the Dead Terrorist : Thanks

  Jeff Dunham : Can I do anything for you?

  Achmed the Dead Terrorist : Really?

  Jeff Dunham : Yeah, whatever.

  Achmed the Dead Terrorist : Could you hold me? I'm not kidding, just a little bit.

  Jeff Dunham : [Holds Achmed] 

  Achmed the Dead Terrorist : Is that Aqua Velva?

• Jeff Dunham : [Dunham is laughing very hard at what Achmed said and Guitar Guy is laughing too and looks at Dunham]  Don't look at me!

  Achmed the Dead Terrorist : That's what she said!

• Walter : [Looking around the theater]  Well, they did a hell of a job painting the gym.

  Jeff Dunham : It's not a gymnaisum. Look.

  [points up a balcony] 

  Walter : [looking up at balcony]  Oh, yeah...

  Jeff Dunham : Look.

  Walter : [looking up at balcony]  Hey.

  [calling up to balcony] 

  Walter : Jump!

• Jeff Dunham : So how was the skiing?

  Peanut : Great!

  José Jalapeño on a Stick : I had to snowboard.

• [after Guitar Guy plays a short string of stereotypical Arabic music] 

  Achmed the Dead Terrorist : You racist bastard!

  [laughter] 

  Achmed the Dead Terrorist : Is that what you think I like?

  [laughter] 

• Jeff Dunham : [Peanut and Jose told Jeff they all went skiing]  So how did the trip go?

  Peanut : It was a disaster.

  José Jalapeño on a Stick : Si.

  Jeff Dunham : What happened?

  Peanut : Achmed broke his leg.

  José Jalapeño on a Stick : The bone was sticking out.

  Peanut : It's always sticking out.

  Jeff Dunham : Did you put a splint on it?

  Peanut : Of course.

  Jeff Dunham : What'd you use?

  José Jalapeño on a Stick : Me.

• Achmed the Dead Terrorist : I kill you till you're *dead*! And that's worse.

  [laughter] 

• Jeff Dunham : [trying to read "The Night Before Christmas"]  "The stockings were hung by the chimney with care..."

  Peanut : "... and believe me, the room could use some fresh air." Seriously, how the hell did that tradition start?

  Jeff Dunham : What?

  Peanut : Hanging up dirty laundry, hoping Santa would fill them with goodies? Ewwww! I'd like to suck on this candy cane, but it smells like Dad's feet! Good thing the tradition wasn't jockstraps. "Sally, what's in yours?" "Nuts. And Mommy says they're magically delicious!"

• Jeff Dunham : [to Bubba J]  You lit Santa on fire?

  Bubba J. : No, the damn fireplace did!

  Jeff Dunham : And what happened?

  Bubba J. : Whoosh! He burst into flames like Marilyn Manson at a Baptist revival!

  Jeff Dunham : Bubba J, that's awful!

  Bubba J. : That's why I'm still in therapy. It was hard to hear Santa go from "Ho ho ho" to "Ho ho holy shit!"

• Peanut : You know how else I know you do drugs? Because your looking in my eye and you actually think I'm looking back.

• Jeff Dunham : [asking about the ski trip where Achmed broke his leg]  So, when did this happen?

  Peanut : During the avalanche...

  Jeff Dunham : Avalanche?

  José Jalapeño on a Stick : Achmed started it.

  Peanut : We told him not bring that bomb!

  Jeff Dunham : [Jeff looks at Peanut in disbelief]  He had a bomb?

  José Jalapeño on a Stick : On a stick.

  Jeff Dunham : [Jeff is once more looking around in disbelief]  And why did Achmed have a bomb?

  José Jalapeño on a Stick : I think he's a workaholic...

  Jeff Dunham : So what happened after the avalanche?

  José Jalapeño on a Stick : We were trapped in the snow for three days.

  Jeff Dunham : Wow. Did you have anything to eat?

  Peanut : [whispering to Jeff]  A jalapeño...

  [nods at José] 

• Jeff Dunham : What I'd like to do is something that's been a tradition every Christmas Eve in my family for many years.

  Peanut : We're going to get drunk and throw up.

  [laughter] 

• Achmed the Dead Terrorist : I've got a favor to ask of you, infidel.

  Jeff Dunham : What?

  Achmed the Dead Terrorist : When we're finished here, will you come caroling with me?

  [laughter] 

  Achmed the Dead Terrorist : What?

  Jeff Dunham : You go Christmas caroling?

  Achmed the Dead Terrorist : Oh, yes. I love to Christmas carol.

  Jeff Dunham : Like, what do you sing?

  Achmed the Dead Terrorist : Umm... "Bin Laden is Coming to Town."

  [laughter] 

  Achmed the Dead Terrorist : "O Holy Crap."

  [laughter] 

  Achmed the Dead Terrorist : [to the tune of "O Holy Night"]  Oh, holy crap. I think I blew my foot off.

  [laughter] 

  Achmed the Dead Terrorist : And then my favorite: "SILENCE! Night."

  [laughter] 

  Achmed the Dead Terrorist : Thank you. And then I've got another one: "Jingle Bombs." Would you like me to sing "Jingle Bombs"?

  Jeff Dunham : You can sing?

  Achmed the Dead Terrorist : Oh, yes.

  Jeff Dunham : All right. What the heck?

• Jeff Dunham : Jose does not run to the border.

  Peanut : You're right. He goes "doing, doing, doing doingdoingdoing."

  [laughter] 

• Jeff Dunham : [Santa accidentally burned himself in Bubba J's fireplace]  Why didn't you grab the nearest liquid and put him out?

  Bubba J. : That would've been a waste of beer.

  Jeff Dunham : What about water?

  Bubba J. : We don't drink that crap.

  Jeff Dunham : So how'd you put him out?

  Bubba J. : I peed on him. Yeah, I've entered a new step to that list.

  Jeff Dunham : What list?

  Bubba J. : Stop, drop and quit rolling around so I can piss on you!

• Walter : [Jeff is trying to get Walter into the holiday spirit]  You are so gay.

• Achmed the Dead Terrorist : Hey! How do I have phlegm?

  [laughter] 

  Achmed the Dead Terrorist : I don't have an esophagus! Didn't think that one through, did you?

• Achmed the Dead Terrorist : Last week, I thought I had scoliosis.

• Jeff Dunham : [comment on his wife's video of his daughter driving]  Next time my daughter pisses me off, that video is going on YouTube, damn it.

• Jeff Dunham : Jose, what does Christmas mean to you?

  José Jalapeño on a Stick : It's the day Jesus

  [pronounces it Hesus] 

  José Jalapeño on a Stick : was born.

  Jeff Dunham : That's right.

  Peanut : I didn't know your gardener was born on Christmas.

  [laughter] 

  Peanut : Hey, Hesus, Happy Birthday man. Today you can skip the leaves.

• Jeff Dunham : [to Walter]  Happy holidays.

  Walter : You know, I've been wanting to say this for a couple of years now: screw you, it's "Merry Christmas".

• Jeff Dunham : [about "The Night Before Christmas"]  You are ruining this story!

  Peanut : Well, you're the pervert eating out of your own jockstrap!

• Jeff Dunham : You have on a disguise?

  Achmed the Dead Terrorist : Silence! I kill you!

  [audience cheers] 

  Achmed the Dead Terrorist : Silence! I kill you, too!

  [audience cheers again] 

• Jeff Dunham : [reading "The Night Before Christmas"]  "... not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse."

  Peanut : A mouse? You wish! You're in an apartment; that's a rat!

• Jeff Dunham : [reading "The Night Before Christmas"]  "He was dressed all in fur from his head to his foot, / And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot."

  Peanut : Fat, drinking and driving, and a furry gay outfit, covered in soot, he's smoking, and you let him in the house because he said he had something for your kids.

  [shakes his head] 

  Peanut : What the hell kind of father are you anyway? If I were you, I'd check his I.D., then taser his fat ass! And how fat is this guy anyway? Everyone's always leaving him plates full of cookies. I think he's a diabetic, too, don't you think? You gotta leave a plate full of insulin! How about that? I can't wait to hear the story next year: "The Night Before Christmas, Part Two: Santa's On Dialysis and He's Missing a Leg"! And all his little dollies have poliosis!

  Jeff Dunham : [exasperated]  Can I finish this story?

  Peanut : Oh, please do.

• Jeff Dunham : Bubba J, I understand you've been writing Santa a letter.

  Bubba J. : Yeah, I done it on a computer.

  Jeff Dunham : Ah. Did you mail it to him?

  Bubba J. : [laughs]  No.

  Jeff Dunham : Why?

  Bubba J. : My computer won't fit in the mailbox! Walter's right, you are a dumbass!

  [laughs again] 

• Jeff Dunham : [In The Christmas Tips Feature]  Remember, never use electric lights on a metallic Christmas tree.

  Achmed the Dead Terrorist : Or the tree could EXPLODE and then you'd look like me.

  [laughs Evilly] 

  Achmed the Dead Terrorist : Merry Christmas, infidels!

• Jeff Dunham : Why are you afraid of Walter?

  Achmed the Dead Terrorist : He's a mean son of a bitch!

• Achmed the Dead Terrorist : I can't wait to see Santa Claus. I sit on his knee, I tell him what I want, then I blow him up!

• Jeff Dunham : [reading "The Night Before Christmas"]  "As I drew in my bed and was turning around,/Down the chimney Saint Nicholas came with a bound."

  Peanut : He fell down.

  Jeff Dunham : Yes.

  Peanut : And didn't you say his face was all red?

  Jeff Dunham : Yeah.

  Peanut : Why doesn't anyone see this? He is drunk off his ass! This is a horrible, horrible story!

• Jeff Dunham : So, Achmed, are you trying to impersonate someone?

  Achmed the Dead Terrorist : I'm Santa Claus, damn it. I look just like him. I'm jolly.

  [Nudges left and right] 

  Achmed the Dead Terrorist : And I'm fat-ish.

  Jeff Dunham : You're not fat.

  Achmed the Dead Terrorist : I am if I'm a supermodel.

  [Crowd laughs weakly] 

  Achmed the Dead Terrorist : Screw you, that's funny!

  Jeff Dunham : You're fat? Well, what happened to your big, fat tummy?

  Achmed the Dead Terrorist : [looking around the theater]  It's over there, over there and up there.

• Jeff Dunham : Your disguise is this Christmas hat?

  Achmed the Dead Terrorist : No! Don't say "Christmas"! It's a holiday hat.

  Jeff Dunham : Why can't I say "Christmas"?

  Achmed the Dead Terrorist : You offend the other infidels.

  Jeff Dunham : You're afraid of offending people?

  Achmed the Dead Terrorist : Yeah.

  Jeff Dunham : You're... you're a terrorist. You kill people.

  Achmed the Dead Terrorist : That's different.

  [laughter] 

  Jeff Dunham : What?

  Achmed the Dead Terrorist : Killing folks is easy. Being politically correct is a pain in the ass.

  [laughter] 

• Achmed the Dead Terrorist : Last week, I thought I had scoliosis.

  [Guitar Guy cracks up, but tries to contain it] 

  Achmed the Dead Terrorist : This is where Jeff makes up crap just to make Guitar Guy laugh.

  [laughter] 

  Achmed the Dead Terrorist : [to Guitar Guy]  You think that's funny? You told me I was twisted; I thought you meant my sense of humor. Wait till you get scoliosis, Guitar Guy. You'll be playing that thing behind your head because you have to.

  [Guitar Guy cracks up again] 

• Peanut : Godzilla peanut saying it not in Japanese.

• Jeff Dunham : [trying to read "The Night Before Christmas"]  "'Twas the night before Christmas, / And all through the house..."

  Peanut : Why is it always a house?

  Jeff Dunham : What?

  Peanut : There's kids who live in apartments. How does Santa Claus get to the kids in the apartments, Uncle Jeffy? They had to buzz his ass in.

  [mimics doorbell buzzing] 

  Peanut : Santa Claus!

• Peanut : [Guitar Guy plays "O Christmas Tree"]  Okay, he wasn't doing cocaine. It was pot.

• Peanut : [Jeff is reading "The Night Before Christmas"]  We have to get to the part where Santa gets busted for breaking and entering. Where the hell is that?

  Jeff Dunham : It's not breaking and entering.

  Peanut : Oh, keep reading. I think it qualifies.

• Jeff Dunham : [reading 'The Night Before Christmas']  ... 'not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.'

  Peanut : A mouse? You wish. You're in an apartment. That's a rat!

• Jeff Dunham : [reading "The Night Before Christmas"]  "With mommy in her kerchief and I in my cap, / Had just settled down..."

  Peanut : "... for a big snort of crack!"

  [audience laughter, Peanut looks at Guitar Guy] 

  Peanut : Oh, Guitar Guy, you're in the story, too.

• Jeff Dunham : [after Achmed tries to sound like Santa Claus]  Santa goes Ho, Ho, Ho.

  Achmed the Dead Terrorist : That's what I said, Heh, Heh, Heh.

  Jeff Dunham : Ho, Ho.

  Achmed the Dead Terrorist : Heh, Heh.

  Jeff Dunham : Ho.

  Achmed the Dead Terrorist : I don't have any lips, you ass.

• Jeff Dunham : [to Achmed]  You don't look anything like Santa Claus.

  Achmed the Dead Terrorist : Well, I sound just like him.

  Jeff Dunham : What?

  Achmed the Dead Terrorist : I can do his laugh perfectly.

  Jeff Dunham : Really?

  Achmed the Dead Terrorist : Yeah, you want to hear?

  Jeff Dunham : Yeah.

  Achmed the Dead Terrorist : Okay, here we go.

  [laughs evilly] 

  Achmed the Dead Terrorist : Merry Christmas! I kill you!

  [laughs] 

  Achmed the Dead Terrorist : Happy Hanukkah! Not!

  [singing] 

  Achmed the Dead Terrorist : Kringle, Kringle, Kringle! I need another dynamite!

• [last lines] 

  Jeff Dunham : [reading "The Night Before Christmas"]  "He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle..."

  Peanut : "Gotta go quick, 'cause there's a cop with a pistol."

  Jeff Dunham : "But I heard him exclaim ere he drove out of sight..."

  Peanut : "'Merry Christmas to all! Oh, crap, I ran over your bike!'"

  Jeff Dunham : [to audience]  You guys have been a great audience! Thanks for coming tonight!

• Jeff Dunham : You know, Bubba J, I took the opportunity of printing your letter for you.

  [looks at small piece of paper] 

  Jeff Dunham : And I notice when I printed it, the ink was kind of weird.

  Bubba J. : Uh, that's because I was runnin' out of ink, so I mixed it with beer.

  Jeff Dunham : You mixed beer with ink?

  Bubba J. : Yeah. And if you smell that thing when you're reading it, you get a contact drunk. I learned that from Guitar Guy!

• Jeff Dunham : [Peanut is singing very fast and indistinctly]  What is wrong with you?

  Peanut : NyQuil and Red Bull!

• Jeff Dunham : Have you ever actually killed anyone?

  Achmed the Dead Terrorist : Yeah.

  Jeff Dunham : Where?

  Achmed the Dead Terrorist : In a video game. "Grand Theft Camel".

  [the audience applauds] 

  Achmed the Dead Terrorist : Hey! That's a great video game! Terrorists around the world love that game! My son loved that game.

• Achmed the Dead Terrorist : [about his son]  He's not around anymore.

  Jeff Dunham : Why not?

  Achmed the Dead Terrorist : I'm a horrible parent.

  Jeff Dunham : Why?

  Achmed the Dead Terrorist : I took him to take-your-kid-to-work day.

  [the audience laughs] 

  Achmed the Dead Terrorist : It's not funny! My wife is still pissed at me. She came to the market and said, "Where's our son?" And I go, "Over there, over there and up there." Kids nowadays, they blow up so fast.

• Jeff Dunham : [Walter said "Merry Christmas" instead of "Happy holidays"]  You know, Walter, there are people of other faiths.

  Walter : And they're WRONG!

• [Jeff informs Walter that they left out some new jokes that Jeff wants to do] 

  Walter : Hey, Jeff, you ever yelled the wrong name during sex?

  Jeff Dunham : That's not it.

  Walter : I don't care, I wanna do this one.

  Jeff Dunham : [grudgingly]  No.

  Walter : Oh, your wife says you have!

  Jeff Dunham : That was a long time ago.

  Walter : I know, she said it was very awkward. He went, "Philip!"

  Jeff Dunham : That is not true.

  Walter : Still funny as hell.

• Jeff Dunham : [about buying a car for his daughter's sixteenth birthday]  We bought her a used vehicle. Anybody that buys a sixteen year old kid a new car, I think you're pretty much a moron. Okay?

  [laughter] 

  Jeff Dunham : Because you're not buying them a car, you're buying them a bumper car. That's what you're buying them. You ever sat in the front seat, teaching a fifteen, sixteen year old kid to drive a car? Here's the parent in the passenger seat:

  [babbles incoherently] 

  Jeff Dunham : And I'm still in the driveway.

• Achmed the Dead Terrorist : [Jeff removed Achmed's hand]  Why did you put my hand in your ass?

  [Jeff holds it up] 

  Achmed the Dead Terrorist : Well, at least now, maybe we'll get a better parking place.

• Bubba J. : Beernog!

  Jeff Dunham : Beernog? How do you make beernog?

  Bubba J. : Well, you take a big ol' bowl of eggnog and you pour it down the sink. And then you drink a beer.

• Achmed the Dead Terrorist : Last week, I got really drunk. I couldn't throw up 'cause I don't have a stomach. Just a bunch of dusty heaves!

  [starts to make a retching sound, but cuts himself short] 

  Achmed the Dead Terrorist : Poof.

  [audience laughs] 

  Achmed the Dead Terrorist : Silence! I...

  [his feet fall down] 

  Achmed the Dead Terrorist : Oh, no, not this crap again!

• Walter : [explaining the words he learned on BET]  Nice badonkadonks.

  [Jeff looks puzzled] 

  Walter : Oh yeah, there's nothing better than a woman's nice badonkadonk.

  [Walter leans out toward audience, looking very closely at one woman in particular, then leans in close to Jeff] 

  Walter : She looks familiar.

  [leans back out again, as the audience laughs and applauds] 

  Walter : Turn around.

  [audience laughs again while Jeff continues to look puzzled] 

  Walter : What? I think she's my screen saver.

  Jeff Dunham : Will you...

  [stops himself and shrugs] 

  Jeff Dunham : That's, uh, very impressive.

  Walter : I have no idea what I just said, but I'm pretty sure there's gonna be some hookers at our hotel tonight. Them and the badonkadonk chick.

• Jeff Dunham : Walter, what were some of your favorite toys when you were a kid?

  Walter : Oh, nothing like today.

  Jeff Dunham : What do you mean?

  Walter : Well, you know, they got the computer games and all that. We didn't have that stuff.

  Jeff Dunham : No?

  Walter : No. Hell, if we wanted to play tennis, we actually went outside and swung a racquet. None of that Wii Wii crap. And playing a guitar, there were strings, not frickin' colored buttons! Hello! And there were no shoot-'em-up games. We actually went outside and killed the assholes!

• Jeff Dunham : [to Achmed]  You have on a disguise?

  Achmed the Dead Terrorist : Silence! I kill you!

  [audience applauds] 

  Achmed the Dead Terrorist : Silence! I kill you, too!

• Jeff Dunham : [Jeff is trying to fix Achmed's dislocated arm]  What are all these marks on your arm?

  Achmed the Dead Terrorist : Your freaking chihuahua?

  Jeff Dunham : So what exactly happened?

  Achmed the Dead Terrorist : We were playing Twister and I got left hand green. I reached too far and my arm popped off. Walter laughed, Peanut kicked it, and the fucking dog ran out the door with it.

• Jeff Dunham : [reading 'The Night Before Christmas']  'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house...

  Peanut : Why is it always a house?

  Jeff Dunham : What?

  Peanut : There's kids who live in apartments.

  [the pitch of his voice rising as he talks] 

  Peanut : How does Santa Claus get to the kids apartments, Uncle Jeffy?

  [normally] 

  Peanut : They have to buzz his ass in.

  [laughter and applause] 

  Peanut : [imitating a buzzer]  Ehh ehh! Santa Claus!

  Jeff Dunham : ...and all through the apartments, not a creature was stirring...

  Peanut : Except for the assholes in 2B.

  [laughter] 

  Peanut : They're drunk and hitting each other with menorahs. Oy vey. That's Jewish for "holy shit".

  [audience laughter, while Guitar Guy tries to keep a straight face] 

  Peanut : Nothing funnier than throwing in a couple of "holy shits" in the middle of "The Night Before Christmas", huh?

• Jeff Dunham : Hello, Achmed.

  Achmed the Dead Terrorist : [whispers]  Shh! Don't call my name!

  Jeff Dunham : Why not?

  Achmed the Dead Terrorist : I am incognito.

  [waits a moment] 

  Achmed the Dead Terrorist : [With a nasty laugh]  I have now successfully blended into your society... Thanks to this master disguise.

  [frowns] 

• Jeff Dunham : [speaking to Jose]  How do you celebrate the holidays?

  José Jalapeño on a Stick : We wake up in the morning...

  Peanut : And then they take a nap.

• Peanut : [about Jose Jalapeno on a Stick]  Ya know, I don't think Jose celebrates Christmas.

  Jeff Dunham : You don't?

  Peanut : No. He told me they do something called Navidad...

  [audience laughter] 

  Peanut : ...with some chick named Phyllis.

  Jeff Dunham : Feliz Navidad.

  Peanut : Yeah, that bitch.

  [audience laughter] 

  Jeff Dunham : That means "Merry Christmas" in Spanish.

  Peanut : Ole!

• Walter : So where the hell are we?

  Jeff Dunham : Wisconsin.

  Walter : Come on, seriously, why are we here? Did you lose a bet?

  Jeff Dunham : Will you stop...? This is a great city, great state.

  Walter : Okay, what's the theater?

  Jeff Dunham : The Pabst.

  Walter : Oh, as in "beer"?

  Jeff Dunham : That's right.

  Walter : That's just great. If the show sucks, we'll all get wasted!

• Jeff Dunham : [to Walter]  What if somebody walked to you on the street and very sincerely said to you, "Happy Kwanzaa"? What would you do?

  Walter : First, I'd purchase them an eye color chart. Then I'd throw away the champagne and pull out the frickin' malt liquor. Ho ho, yo-yo!

  Jeff Dunham : I understand.

  Walter : Word.

  Jeff Dunham : Word?

  Walter : Do you feel me?

  Jeff Dunham : Do you know what you're talking about?

  Walter : Fo' shizzle.

  Jeff Dunham : Where did you learn all this?

  Walter : My cable box got stuck on the BET network. I learned a lot of new stuff. Apparently now, I'm "ghetto fabulous".

  [Jeff is about to say something, but Walter interrupts] 

  Walter : Chill, homedog. I'm thinkin' o' bustin' a cap on yo' ass. Cracker.

• Jeff Dunham : [to Peanut and José]  I understand you guys just went on your first ski trip.

  Peanut : Yes, José and Achmed saw snow for the first time ever.

  Jeff Dunham : How was the skiing?

  Peanut : Great!

  José Jalapeño on a Stick : I had to snowboard.

  Peanut : Stick!

  Jeff Dunham : So José, did you dress warmly for the trip?

  José Jalapeño on a Stick : Si.

  Jeff Dunham : What did you wear?

  José Jalapeño on a Stick : A scarf.

  Peanut : And one boot.

  [nods] 

  Peanut : I told him he should've just worn a garden hose. You know what he could use as a raincoat? A condom!

• Jeff Dunham : Okay, Peanut, there's one more member of our family we need to introduce.

  Peanut : Hold it! Family? Ugh! We're a family?

  Jeff Dunham : Well, not...

  Peanut : Oh my gosh! Please tell me I'm adopted. And I'd like to be an Angelina Jolie adoptee. And one who's still nursing. I'm sorry, Brad Pitt, but I'm the kid and I'm frickin' thirsty!

• Jeff Dunham : [to Walter]  What did you get your wife?

  Walter : A mop.

  [Jeff stares] 

  Walter : What? You take the stick out. Hey, it's a wig!

  Jeff Dunham : Where are you shopping for your wife?

  Walter : At the 99 cent store.

• [first lines] 

  Jeff Dunham : [as he and Walter go for a sleigh ride]  Wow, Walter, look at this. And look at the lights on that house.

  Walter : [sarcastically]  Oh yeah, house. It's great.

  Jeff Dunham : Yeah, and this falling snow makes it the perfect winter scene, eh?

  Walter : Yeah, my heart's all a-frickin'-twitter.

• Peanut : My biggest decision of the day would be: Hmm, let's see, left or right. Or, right down the middle!

• Jeff Dunham : Peanut, how do we go from Christmas...

  Peanut : ...to Angelina's boobs? I don't know, can you get them for Christmas for me, please? They would be my holiday hooters!

• Jeff Dunham : [trying to get Walter in the holiday spirit]  Just pretend.

  Walter : What?

  Jeff Dunham : Fake it.

  Walter : Does your wife do that, too?

  [the audience applauds weakly] 

  Walter : You know, it used to hurt my feelings. Now I realize it's just a great time saver. Ooh! We're done. Where's the remote?

• Bubba J. : [to Jeff]  You remind me of that judge on "American Idol".

  Jeff Dunham : Simon?

  Bubba J. : Paula.

• Jeff Dunham : Good evening, José, and merry Christmas.

  José Jalapeño on a Stick : Gracias, señor. It's good to see both Señor Dun-ham and Peanut.

  Jeff Dunham : Yeah.

  Peanut : You know, we were talking about Christmas.

  José Jalapeño on a Stick : I love Christmas.

  [sounds like "Chreeestmas"] 

  Peanut : What the hell is "Chreeestmas"?

  Jeff Dunham : He said "Christmas".

  Peanut : No, no, it was "Chreeestmaaaas".

  José Jalapeño on a Stick : Are you...

  [pronounced "joo"] 

  José Jalapeño on a Stick : ... making fun of my accent?

  Peanut : Jes.

• Peanut : [talking about Angelina Jolie's boobs]  Brad Pitt's gonna be unhappy you're making fun of his wife's titties!

  [nods] 

  Peanut : Yes, I said "Titties". Bodacious tatas! If they're little, they're tittles. If they're big, they're "tetonsters". Tet-zillas! Tetonics! Those are sad, 'cause when they get older, they sink.

  [the audience laughs; even Jeff smiles] 

  Peanut : Holy crap! I made you laugh on that one! Globes of love.

• Jeff Dunham : Walter, what would it take to get you into the Christmas spirit?

  Walter : I don't know. Are we getting paid for this?

  Jeff Dunham : Yeah.

  Walter : [dramatically]  Merry Christmas! Ho ho ho! Merry Christmas to one and all! Ho ho ho!

• Peanut : [to Richard, the makeup artist]  Good: do me.

  [startled] 

  Peanut : Wait! I meant my makeup! Holy shit!

• Achmed the Dead Terrorist : [hearing the director counting down]  Was something going to explode? What was that count down?

• Jeff Dunham : Hey, Walter?

  Walter : [trying to sound cheerful]  Yes, what is it, Jeff?

  [audience laughs] 

  Walter : Sorry, I can't act worth shit.

• [Bubba J says that he accidentally burned Santa Claus in the fireplace and put out the fire by urinating on him] 

  Jeff Dunham : Was anything else going on during all this?

  Bubba J. : Yeah, my dumbass brother was singing...

  [singing to "The Twelve Days of Christmas"] 

  Bubba J. : On the first day of Christmas, Santa was on fire, and Bubba was a-whizzin' on his head! On the second day of Christmas, Santa said to me, "Mffmfmfmmfmfmf!" His face was all wrapped up in gauze.

  Jeff Dunham : Bubba J, this is terrible!

  Bubba J. : Well, it seemed like it at the time. Next day, it's funnier than hell. We peed on ourselves laughing about it.

  Jeff Dunham : Was there anything going on outside that night?

  Bubba J. : Outside?

  Jeff Dunham : Yeah.

  Bubba J. : My cousin Elroy shot Santa's lean deer!

  Jeff Dunham : What?

  Bubba J. : Well, it's not too often you see a twelve-point buck standing on your freakin' roof! We ate good for a month.

• [Jeff's friends went on a skiing trip, but they got buried in an avalanche caused by Achmed] 

  Peanut : We were finally rescued by a Saint Bernard

  José Jalapeño on a Stick : But the dog took Achmed and buried his ass.

  Peanut : And his head and his feet. It was hilarious!

  Jeff Dunham : Why didn't you help Achmed?

  José Jalapeño on a Stick : We were laughing too hard.

• Jeff Dunham : You know, Walter, this theater's very historic. You know, it originally was an old vaudeville house.

  Walter : Oh, and we're here now. That's great! Our career is zooming! Next week, we'll be in Minnesota opening a Waffle House!

  [as the audience cheers, Jeff gets a sour look on his face, which Walter notices] 

  Walter : What the hell's wrong with you? You should be happy, like me!

  [the audience laughs] 

  Walter : Shut the hell up.

• Achmed the Dead Terrorist : [recounting how Jeff's chihuahua stole Achmed's arm]  I had to chase him around the yard! It was horrible! You ever stepped in dog poop with a bone foot? It was like some horrible Play-Doh Fun Factory.