- Auctioneer: Do I hear a hundred thousand?
- [Mr. Burns lifts his paddle]
- Waylon Smithers: Sir, why do you even want this house?
- Mr. Burns: I need a place to store my cufflinks.
- Auctioneer: Are there any more bids? Hundred thousand going once, going twice...
- Ned Flanders: One hundred and one thousand!
- Mr. Burns: Pass. I already lifted this thing once. I'm not Hercules.
- Lenny: Homer, how can you afford this Mardi Gras party every year?
- Homer Simpson: Well, it's a little thing called a home equity loan. I spend all the money I want, and the house gets stuck with the bill. He he he he! Sucker.
- Moe Szyslak: Here's what you do: get the media to expose what kind of monster he really is.
- Homer Simpson: Oh, yeah. Just like Dateline did to you.
- Moe Szyslak: Yeah, three times. The third was nominated for a Peabody, whatever that is.
- Homer Simpson: Squeaky board here, crack on the wall there, poltergeist in the closet...
- Bart Simpson: [In closet, dressed as ghost] Ooooh! I died when Homer sat on me!
- Homer Simpson: [Strangles Bart] Why you little... I'm the victim here!
- Homer Simpson: Now he's nailing something to our door.
- Lisa Simpson: Hmm. I wonder if it's theses?
- Homer Simpson: Eww, that's gross.