- Ned Flanders: Okay, I'll join you Homer, but you must promise me that we will do everything by the book!
- Homer Simpson: Then you gotta promise me no diddlies or doodlies!
- Ned Flanders: You got yourself a deal-a-roonie!
- Homer Simpson: D'oh!
- Lisa Simpson: Woo-hoo! St. Patrick's Day! I love how they made the river green!
- Mr. Burns: Actually, my nuclear plant did that. And now that you know, your life is in danger...
- [walks off humming]
- Mayor Quimby: Greetings, fellow Irishmen and lady Irishmen. I, Joseph Fitzgerald O'Malley Fitzpatrick O'Donnell The Edge Quimby, welcome you to Springfield's first booze-free St. Patrick's Day!
- Patrick Farelley: Alright you unwanted miracles, give back the ladies cupcakes you don't have the teeth for.
- Irish Urchins: Aye, but we can gum the frosting!
- Patrick Farelley: Well if it's good gummin your after, wouldn't you rather have this lovely cabbage?
- Lisa Simpson: [On the conflict between Irish Catholics and English Protestants] It always comes down to transubstantiation versus consubstantiation.