- Darius Jedburgh: It's past Pendleton's bed time. You know he returns every night to the Abbey, where they lock him up in one of those tombs? They only let him out when the Kingdom is threatened.
- Darius Jedburgh: You ever been to Dallas, Craven?
- Ronald Craven: No sir.
- Darius Jedburgh: It's where we shoot our Presidents! The Jews have their Calvary, but we got Dealey Plaza.
- Darius Jedburgh: Imagine what would happen to the golf courses of this country, if a Communist government ever got in power...
- Darius Jedburgh: Do you have any experience with Communists here, Craven?
- Ronald Craven: No sir.
- Darius Jedburgh: It's an anal disease. Marx had trouble with his bowels.
- Ronald Craven: What happened to the Merc?
- Pendleton: We only use it on posh occasions, we try to save on fuel.
- Pendleton: I myself favour an Irish education. Anyone who has encountered the Book of Kells cannot but be impressed by the labyrinthine coils of the Celtic imagination.
- Ronald Craven: White Rolls and Stetsons?
- Darius Jedburgh: We're just blending in with the surroundings, son.
- Darius Jedburgh: When I think of St Andrews, Carnoustie and Leith, I begin to realise that it's more than just a coincidence that Divine Providence has brought forth oil from out of the depths of the North Sea; that oil will help save the golf courses of Scotland.
- Henry Harcourt: [looking at Ellen, his secretary who has pink dyed hair] Bizarre, I know, but not the sort who posts things to "the Guardian".