- Penny: He's a really good looking guy and I thought he was kind of cheesy at first.
- Dr. Horrible: [under his breath] Trust your instincts.
- Penny: But, he turned out to be totally sweet. Sometimes people are layered like that. There's something totally different underneath than what's on the surface.
- Dr. Horrible: And sometimes there's a third, even deeper level, and that one is the same as the top surface one. Like with pie.
- Captain Hammer: You've got a little crush, don't you, Doc. Well, that's gonna make this hard to hear. See, later, I'm gonna take little Penny back to my place. Show her the command center, Hammercycle, maybe even the Hamjet. You think she likes me now? I'm gonna give Penny the night of her life, just because you want her. And I get what you want. See, Penny's giving it up, she's giving it up hard. Cause she's with Captain Hammer. And these...
- [Hammer holds up his fists]
- Captain Hammer: ...are not the hammer.
- [Hammer walks out of the shot momentarily then walks back in]
- Captain Hammer: The hammer is my penis.
- Dr. Horrible: Any dolt with half a brain can see that humankind has gone insane, to the point where I don't know if I'll upset the status quo if I throw poison in the water main. Listen close to everybody's heart and hear that breaking sound. Hopes and dreams are shattering apart and crashing to the ground. I cannot believe my eyes... how the world's filled with filth and lies. But it's plain to see, evil inside of me is on the rise.
- Penny: Billy?
- Dr. Horrible: Yeah?
- Penny: You're driving a spork into your leg.
- Dr. Horrible: So I am. Hilarious.
- Dr. Horrible: I wanna do great things, you know? I wanna be an achiever, like Bad Horse.
- Penny: The Thoroughbred of Sin?
- Dr. Horrible: I meant... Gandhi.
- Penny: It's like Captain Hammer's always saying...
- Dr. Horrible: Tsch... Right. Him. How are things with "Cheesy on the Outside"?
- Penny: Good. They're good. He's... nice. I'll be interested to know what you think of him, he said he might stop by.
- Dr. Horrible: Stop by here?
- Penny: Yeah.
- Dr. Horrible: Oh...
- [slides up his sleeve]
- Dr. Horrible: ... goodness, look at my wrist. I gotta go!
- Dr. Horrible: [singing] And Penny will see the evil me/Not a joke, not a dork, not a failure/And she may cry, but her tears will dry/When I hand her the keys to a shiny new Australia!
- [talking about Horrible needing to kill to get into the Evil League of Evil]
- Moist: Hourglass says she knows a kid in Iowa who grows up to become president. That'd be... big!
- Dr. Horrible: I'm not gonna kill a little kid.
- Moist: Smother an old lady!
- Dr. Horrible: Do I even know you?
- Moist: You've got more than enough evil hours to get into the henchmen's union.
- Dr. Horrible: Pssh! I'm not a henchman, I'm Dr. Horrible. I have a Ph.D. in horribleness!
- Moist: Is that the new catchphrase?
- Penny: Oh, Billy, this is Captain Hammer.
- Captain Hammer: Oh, Billy. The laundry buddy. Well, it is very nice to meet you.
- Dr. Horrible: We're meeting now for the first time.
- Captain Hammer: You look horribly familiar.
- Dr. Horrible: One of those faces, I guess!
- Captain Hammer: Have I seen you at the gym?
- Dr. Horrible: The gym...
- Captain Hammer: I don't go to the gym. I'm just naturally like this.
- Penny: Well, I've gotten turned down from plenty of jobs. Even fired a few times.
- Dr. Horrible: I can't imagine anybody firing you.
- Penny: Neither could I. Now I can visualize it, really well.
- Penny: It's like Captain Hammer's always saying...
- Moist: Tsch... Right. Him. How are things with "Cheesy on the Outside"?
- Penny: Good. They're good. He's... nice. I'll be interested to know what you think of him, he said he might stop by.
- Moist: Stop by here?
- Penny: Yeah.
- Moist: Oh...
- [slides up his sleeve]
- Moist: ... goodness, look at my wrist. I gotta go!