Two and a Half Men (TV Series)

Taterhead Is Our Love Child (2008)

Jon Cryer: Alan Harper

Quotes 

• Alan Harper : You know, Charlie, even condoms are only 98% effective.

  Charlie Harper : That's not true!

  Berta : The hell it isn't!

  Alan Harper : Haven't you ever read the package?

  Charlie Harper : Who reads the package? It's not like a cereal box. You don't read it while you're eating.

  Berta : Yikes!

• Alan Harper : So, what's your next move?

  Charlie Harper : Well, you'd think if Chrissy had my child and decided not to tell me, I'd just send her a little card. You know, "Thanks for being a good sport" or something.

  Alan Harper : I'm not sure Hallmark has a "Deadbeat Dad" section.

• Charlie Harper : It's not funny!

  Alan Harper : Well, maybe not funny ha-ha, but certainly funny hee-hee.

  Charlie Harper : That boy was nothing like me!

  Alan Harper : Well, he didn't have ear hair and whiskey breath, but I'm guessing he'll grow into that.

• Chrissy : Right. Well, we should get going. It was nice seeing you.

  Charlie Harper : Nice to see you, too.

  Chrissy : Come on, Chuck.

  Chuck : [follows his mother] 

  Alan Harper : Chuck?

  Charlie Harper : I heard it! Lots of kids are named Chuck!

  Alan Harper : It's a nickname for Charles, isn't it?

  Charlie Harper : So are Chaz, Chad, Chick and Charlie. What's your point?

  Alan Harper : No point. It's just that you haven't seen that woman in nine years, and little Chuck is, uh... Well, how old do you suppose little Chuck is?

  Charlie Harper : What difference does it make?

  Alan Harper : Well, I'd say little Chuck is uh... seven or eight years old, give or take nine months.

• Berta : What's going on?

  Alan Harper : Well, it would appear that the ol' sperminator here has fathered a child.

  Charlie Harper : I did not!

  Alan Harper : How can you be so sure?

  Charlie Harper : 'Cause I never play in the rain without a slicker and galoshes.

  Berta : I'm confused. Where do the galoshes go?

  Charlie Harper : It's just a figure of speech. Everything that needs to be covered is covered when, you know, covering is appropriate.

  Berta : I didn't ask for your life story. I was just confused about the galoshes.

• Alan Harper : Come on, Charlie, do the math. You haven't seen the woman in nine years and she's got an eight-year-old.

  Charlie Harper : So what? You showed up at my door with a ten-year-old and I hadn't seen you in eleven years. Does that mean taterhead is our love child?

  Alan Harper : All right, fine! Stay in denial! There's no way little Chuck is your son.

  Berta : Chuck?