The Big Bang Theory (TV Series)
The Bad Fish Paradigm (2008)
Simon Helberg: Howard Wolowitz
Photos
Quotes
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Sheldon Cooper : Hey, there he is! There my old buddy bud-bud!
Leonard Hofstadter : What's with him?
Howard Wolowitz : Koothrapali dumped him on me and he couldn't get to sleep so I gave him a glass of warm milk with a handful of my mom's Valium in it but he still wouldn't shut up so tag you're it!
[Wolowitz drops Sheldon's bag and leaves]
Sheldon Cooper : I'm baaack!
Leonard Hofstadter : I still don't know why you left.
Sheldon Cooper : I can't tell you.
Leonard Hofstadter : Why not?
Sheldon Cooper : I promised Penny.
Leonard Hofstadter : You promised Penny what?
Sheldon Cooper : That I wouldn't tell you the secret. Ssh!
Leonard Hofstadter : What secret? Tell me the secret.
Sheldon Cooper : Mom smokes in the car. Jesus is okay with it but we can't tell dad!
Leonard Hofstadter : Not *that* secret! The other secret!
Sheldon Cooper : I'm Batman! Ssh!
Leonard Hofstadter : Damn it! Sheldon, you said Penny told you a secret. What was the secret?
Sheldon Cooper : Okay, I'll tell you. But you can't tell Leonard.
Leonard Hofstadter : I promise.
Sheldon Cooper : Penny lied about graduating from community college because she's afraid she's not smart enough for Leonard.
Leonard Hofstadter : So it's nothing I did? It's her problem?
Sheldon Cooper : I drank milk that tasted funny.
Leonard Hofstadter : Penny thinks I'm too smart for her. That's ridiculous!
Sheldon Cooper : I know. Most of your work is extremely derivative. Don't worry that's not a secret. Everybody knows!
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Leonard Hofstadter : [about his date with Penny] Where could I have possibly gone wrong?
Howard Wolowitz : The littlest things can set women off - like, "Hey, the waitress is hot! I bet we could get her to come home with us." Or, "How much does your mom weigh? I want to know what I'm getting into."
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Howard Wolowitz : [Hears a knock on his door] Who is it?
Rajesh Koothrapali : [High-pitched voice] Strippergram!
[Howard opens door; it's actually Rajesh with Sheldon]
Rajesh Koothrapali : Tag, you're it.
[Runs off]
Howard Wolowitz : Couldn't you've just wrapped him up in a paper bag and set fire to him?
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Rajesh Koothrapali : We just came from the exhibit of preserved cadavers.
Howard Wolowitz : And some of those skinless women were hot!
Sheldon Cooper : If you'll excuse me, I have to pack.
Howard Wolowitz : That's a bit of an overreaction to a little harmless necrophilia.
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Leonard Hofstadter : We went to dinner, we talked, we laughed, we kissed... Where could I have possibly gone wrong?
Howard Wolowitz : Think back, Leonard. The littlest things can set women off. Like "Hey, the waitress is hot, I bet we could get her to come home with us." Or "How much does your mom weigh? I want to know what I'm getting into."
Leonard Hofstadter : I didn't say anything like that.
Howard Wolowitz : Good, 'cause they don't work.
Rajesh Koothrapali : They also don't care for it if you stare at them and hyperventilate. Sadly, that's my home run swing.
Leonard Hofstadter : Look, everything went fine.
[unhides mini sheets]
Leonard Hofstadter : I didn't even have to refer to my impromptu conversation starters. That woman across the hall is into me.
Howard Wolowitz : Let's go to the tape.
[shows the hidden camera record]
Howard Wolowitz : Look at her reaction to the good night kiss. No change in respiration, pupils un-dilated, no flushing of the chest.
Rajesh Koothrapali : Nice close-up, by the way.
Sheldon Cooper : Interesting. Her jaws are clenched: no tongue access. Clearly a bad sign amongst mating humans.
Leonard Hofstadter : That's not a bad sign.
Sheldon Cooper : Please... You might as well have been two iguana with no dewlap enlargement.
Rajesh Koothrapali : And the worst sign of all is you're here and not there.
Leonard Hofstadter : I'm not there because I'm taking things slow; by the way, compared to you guys, approaches warp speed.
[Leaving the room]
Leonard Hofstadter : And take down that camera!
Rajesh Koothrapali : He was a lot more fun when he had no hope.
Howard Wolowitz : Give him time.
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Howard Wolowitz : [Wolowitz and Koothrapali have been watching Leonard and Penny on a video camera] You should thank us. When future generations try to determine why your date with Penny crashed and burned, this right here is the black box.
Leonard Hofstadter : What are you talking about? The date went fine!
Rajesh Koothrapali : Dude, she said she wants to slow things down.
Leonard Hofstadter : Okay, so she said she wants to slow things down. It's like saying, "I'm really enjoying this meal! I'm going to slow down and savor it."
Howard Wolowitz : No - it's like: "This fish tastes bad, so I'm gonna slow down and spit it out."
Rajesh Koothrapali : You being the fish.
Leonard Hofstadter : I'm not the fish!
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Howard Wolowitz : Are you having a second date?
Leonard Hofstadter : No. She said we would just wing it.
Sheldon Cooper : Oh, please. Even I know that's lame.
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Howard Wolowitz : Please, I'm begging you, go to sleep.
Sheldon Cooper : I'm trying. I'm counting Catwomen.