- Alan Harper: Oh, come on! This can't be the first woman who had a nervous breakdown, lost her job and wound up taking her clothes off for horny strangers because of you!
- Charlie Harper: Of course not!
- Charlie Harper: [Charlie sees Jake's former 5th grade teacher, one of his brief "relationships", in the sporting goods store. She leaves abruptly] She was kinda shook up after I broke it off with her.
- Jake Harper: Kinda shook up? She went bananas and bit the gym teacher!
- Charlie Harper: Where?
- Jake Harper: In the gym!
- Jake Harper: [Charlie hires Jake's former 5th grade teacher away from her new lap-dance job to be Jake's tutor. She is wearing a revealing, low-cut outfit with leather boots. Jake doesn't seem to notice] I'm sorry, but I'm still confused.
- Dolores Pasternak: Oh, boy. Okay. Ummm, let's look at it this way. How 'bout if you make 40 dollars a dance. If you want to find out how much you can earn per hour, you have to solve for x times 40, x being the number of dances you can do in an hour.
- Jake Harper: What about tips?
- Dolores Pasternak: That's a variable.
- Jake Harper: Oh, I get it! So the money you kick back to the house is...
- Both, together: The constant!
- Dolores Pasternak: Good for you! That's a good start!
- Jake Harper: Yeah, it was. You make learning fun.
- [she laughs gently, he gets up to leave]
- Dolores Pasternak: Where are you going?
- Jake Harper: Take a shower.
- Dolores Pasternak: Eternal damnation is no laughing matter.
- Alan Harper: I know. I've been married twice.
- Charlie Harper: [Charlie, Alan and Jake visit the sporting goods store to get Jake a jock strap, which he doesn't want] Think of it as a bra for your balls.
- Jake Harper: [sarcastically] Oh, *now* I want one!
- Alan Harper: What size are you?
- Jake Harper: How should I know?
- Charlie Harper: I think they have one of those measuring things. You know, like at the shoe store. Length, width...
- Jake Harper: [to his Dad, somewhat desperately] He's kidding, right?
- Alan Harper: Yes, he's joking.
- [hands Jake the jock strap]
- Alan Harper: Here. "Teen".
- Charlie Harper: Think you can fit your junk into that?
- Jake Harper: I'll make it fit! Let's just go!
- Charlie Harper: No! No! No! Put it on over your pants! We'll take a look!
- Jake Harper: The heck you will!
- Alan Harper: Charlie, you're embarrassing him.
- Charlie Harper: Of course I am! That's why I came!
- Dolores Pasternak: [they're at the kitchen table] Anyway, I just came down to tell you all it's time to get dressed for church.
- Alan Harper: [Alan, Jake, Charlie and Berta look a little stunned] Uh, uh, gee, um, thanks for the invite, but, uh, Sunday is kind of our "me" day.
- Dolores Pasternak: [speaking ominously, while pointing upward with her index finger] Sunday's not a "me" day, it's a "He" day! And "He" will strike down the blasphemers and the disbelievers with fury and blood-soaked vengeance!
- Dolores Pasternak: [as they all look at her in disbelief] So, chop-chop! Washy-washy!