- [Jake is throwing up after drinking]
- Charlie Harper: You know, your body is sending you a message.
- Jake Harper: Yeah. Next time, I need to chew my food properly. Look at that shrimp! You could wash it off and serve it again!
- Charlie Harper: It's also telling you that alcohol is poison.
- Jake Harper: Then, why do you drink?
- Charlie Harper: Because I have things inside of me that I need killed.
- Charlie Harper: You know what the problem is? The women, the drinking... You look at me and think it's easy. What you *don't* see is the years of dedication that have made me the boozing ass-wrangler I am today!
- Charlie Harper: [making breakfast] How do you like your eggs?
- Berta: Sunny side up.
- Charlie Harper: Scrambled it is.
- Berta: [picks up a cookbook] "Cooking for Dummies"?
- Charlie Harper: [to Jake, watching TV on the couch] No offense, Jake. I'm actually cookin' for everybody.
- Berta: What brought this on?
- Charlie Harper: I don't know. I... thought I'd expand my horizons a bit.
- Berta: [smiles] Uh-huh.
- Charlie Harper: What?
- Berta: I'm just trying to figure out how scrambled eggs are gonna get you laid.
- Charlie Harper: You and me both!
- Charlie Harper, Berta: [both laugh]
- Charlie Harper: Let me put it this way: alcohol is for people who can afford to lose a few brain cells.
- Jake Harper: Yeah, so?
- Charlie Harper: I rest my case.
- Jake Harper: What case?
- Alan Harper: Tonight, I give my second rose to bachelorette number two.
- Charlie Harper: Only you can gay up banging two women.
- Jake Harper: Man, I thought you were cool.
- Charlie Harper: You know what makes me cool? Not giving a crap about what you think!
- Jake Harper: [slurring on the phone] Hey, Uncle Charlie! It's me, Jakey! I'm drunk. How are you? Are you with a woman? Does she have big ones?
- Alan Harper: [watching Charlie bite into a tube of cinnamon buns] What are you doing?
- Charlie Harper: What does it look like I'm doing?
- Alan Harper: I'd rather not say.
- Charlie Harper: How would you like your eggs?
- Jake Harper: In an Easter basket.
- Charlie Harper: Scrambled it is.
- Charlie Harper: Hey, Alan! Can you taste my hollandaise sauce?
- Alan Harper: You made hollandaise sauce?
- Charlie Harper: You tell me.
- Alan Harper: [Tastes sauce] You did *not* make hollandaise sauce.
- Charlie Harper: Damn you, Eggs Benedict!
- Charlie Harper: [Charlie goes to pick up Jake, who has gotten drunk at the mall with one of his friends] So, where's your friend?
- Jake Harper: Gabe? He ditched me when I started throwin' up, the bat rastard.