How I Met Your Mother (TV Series)

Mosbius Designs (2009)

Neil Patrick Harris: Barney Stinson

Photos 

Quotes 

• Barney Stinson : Now let's be clear, I don't love her okay? I just miss her when she's not around, I think about her all the time and I imagine us one day running towards each other in slow motion and I'm wearing a brown suede vest.

  Marshall Eriksen : Are you ever going to tell her how you feel?

  Barney Stinson : No. Maybe. Never. I don't know.

• Barney Stinson : You're not Lily. Lily is a fiendish mastermind, manipulating everyone so that she gets what she wants. She's pure evil. You have a good one. Hold on to her.

• Barney Stinson : The things I know about this company, I can never be fired. I might find myself ashore with no fingerprints or teeth, but I can never be fired.

• Barney Stinson : I told you to hire a cute assistant that you can sleep with, but instead you hire a cute assistant that *Robin* can sleep with and of course he's going to sleep with her, Ted, look at her! She's the greatest woman on the planet!-I'm getting off-topic: You're an idiot! That's my message: You're an idiot!

  [Gets up] 

  Barney Stinson : No. One person storming off isn't enough! Marshall, storm off with me!

• Barney Stinson : PJ's not some hot chick you're banging?

  Ted Mosby : No, I'm mentoring him.

  Barney Stinson : Mentoring... I mentored a young fellow once. Even made him my wingman. Then, one day, he hired an assistant to work ten feet from his bedroom who-get this-isn't a hot chick. Proving he never listened to a word I said. And do you know that young man's name?

  Ted Mosby : Ted Mosby?

  Barney Stinson : Maybe. I don't remember. Because he is DEAD TO ME!

  [Gets up to leave, remembers something] 

  Barney Stinson : PJ's gonna be getting a very confusing card in the mail, along with a garment that he should by no means wear for three days and then mail back to me.

• Barney Stinson : You need that thing that makes you a guy.

  Marshall Eriksen : Oh, I have that thing that makes me a guy. Maybe even a guy and a half.

  Barney Stinson : No, not that thing! I mean a thing that makes you a guy. Like Toy Guy in HR.

  [new scene] 

  Toy Guy : The bad news is, we have to review the new GNB guidelines. The good news is, we get to do it with Wolverine claws!

• Marshall Eriksen : [Food Guy goes by, carrying cotton candy]  Hey, Food Guy.

  Barney Stinson : [Toy Guy goes by in a scooter]  Hey, Toy Guy.

  [a ninja with a sword passes by] 

  Marshall Eriksen : Who's that guy?

  Barney Stinson : He doesn't work here. I think we should leave the building.

  Marshall Eriksen : Really?

  Barney Stinson : This has happened before.

• Barney Stinson : Okay, since Lily's not talking to me, there's something that I have to tell you. And this isn't easy to say, all right? I'm- wait for it- in- wait for it- love- wait for it- with- wait for it- a- wait for it- certain- wait for it...

  Marshall Eriksen : I know that you're in love with Robin.

• Lily Aldrin : So tell me, what's the difference between peanut butter and jam?

  Narrator : And then Barney told the punchline. To this day, it's the dirtiest joke I've ever heard. And no, I'm not going to say it.

  Lily Aldrin : I can't be around you anymore.

  [Leaves] 

  Barney Stinson : Aw, come on!

  Ted Mosby : Told ya.

  Barney Stinson : She'll be back.

  Narrator : And we didn't see Lily again for four weeks.

• Marshall Eriksen : Hey, Barney. I thought of a "thing" to make me more essential here. I'm Eco Guy, 'cause everybody loves a guy who recycles, right?

  Barney Stinson : Fired. What else you got?

  Marshall Eriksen : I thought of a few others: Wacky Tie Guy.

  Barney Stinson : Fired.

  Marshall Eriksen : Daily Fun Fact Guy?

  Barney Stinson : Did you know that you're fired?

  Marshall Eriksen : I Know a Good Stretch for That Guy?

  Barney Stinson : Downward-facing fired.

  Marshall Eriksen : Monty Python Guy?

  Barney Stinson : We are the knights who say- You're fired.