The Big Bang Theory (TV Series)

The Friendship Algorithm (2009)

Jim Parsons: Sheldon Cooper

Photos 

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Quotes 

• Barry Kripke : You afwaid of heights, Cooper?

  Sheldon Cooper : Hardly. A fear of heights is illogical. Fear of falling, on the other hand, is prudent and evolutionary.

• Sheldon Cooper : Excuse me, do you have any books about making friends?

  Jeremy : Um, yeah, but they're all for little kids.

  Sheldon Cooper : I assume the skills can be extrapolated and transferred.

  Jeremy : Uh, I guess. They're right over there by the wooden train set.

  Sheldon Cooper : Ooh, I love trains!

  Jeremy : I bet you do.

• [first lines] 

  Rajesh Koothrappali : Mmmm! Gentlemen, I put it to you: the worst tapioca pudding is better than the best pudding of any other flavor.

  Sheldon Cooper : First off, that is axiomatically wrong because the best pudding is chocolate. Secondly, the organic structure of tapioca makes it a jiggling bowl of potential death. It is extracted from the plant...

  Howard Wolowitz : - Hey, I'm thinking of growing a mustache.

  Leonard Hofstadter : Oh, no kidding. A Fu Manchu, a handlebar, pencil?

  Sheldon Cooper : It's extracted from the plant...

  Howard Wolowitz : I'm not sure yet. You know, George Clooney has one now.

  Rajesh Koothrappali : Really? I once saw him shopping at Ralphs. He was buying tequila.

  Howard Wolowitz : Oh, you'd think a guy like that would have some kind of booze lackey.

  [Sheldon's face and eyes are twitching] 

  Leonard Hofstadter : Alright, this is cruel. We better let him finish before his head explodes.

  Howard Wolowitz : Alright, Sheldon, why is tapioca...

  [at lightning speed] 

  Sheldon Cooper : Tapioca is extracted from the root of the plant Manihot esculenta. Due to a high concentration of cyanide it is poisonous in its raw form and lethal if prepared improperly.

  [takes a drink] 

  Rajesh Koothrappali : Feel better now?

  Sheldon Cooper : It is also indigenous to Brazil, as is the cocoa bean from which we get chocolate, the best pudding.

  [to Leonard] 

  Sheldon Cooper : You promised you wouldn't do that anymore.

• Sheldon Cooper : That's where I sit.

  Barry Kripke : Ooh, you have a special spot. What kind of wacko are you?

  Howard Wolowitz : How much time you got?

• Barry Kripke : You all wight there, Cooper?

  Sheldon Cooper : Not really. I feel somewhat like an inverse tangent function at the approach to the asymptote.

  Barry Kripke : Are you saying you're stuck?

  Sheldon Cooper : What part of 'inverse tangent function approaching an asymptote' did you not understand?

• Sheldon Cooper : Kripke!

  Barry Kripke : Yeah?

  Sheldon Cooper : What would you say to the idea of you and I becoming friends?

  Barry Kripke : I would say... I have no intewest in becoming your fwiend.

  Sheldon Cooper : Really? Oh, that seems rather short sighted coming from someone who is generally considered altogether unlikeable. Why don't you take some time to reconsider?

  Barry Kripke : [sarcastically]  Yeah, I'll do that.

  Sheldon Cooper : [to Raj, Howard and Leonard]  Well, *I* think we're off to a terrific start.

• Leonard Hofstadter : My point is, if you want to learn how to make friends, then just go out to a coffee shop or a museum, meet people, talk to them, take an interest in *their* lives.

  Sheldon Cooper : That's insane on the face of it.

• Leonard Hofstadter : What I'm trying to say is that maybe you can't approach this as a purely intellectual exercise.

  Sheldon Cooper : What do you mean?

  Leonard Hofstadter : Well, uh, remember when you tried to learn how to swim using the internet?

  Sheldon Cooper : I *did* learn how to swim.

  Leonard Hofstadter : On the floor.

  Sheldon Cooper : The skills are transferable. I just have no interest in going in the water.

  Leonard Hofstadter : Then why learn how to swim?

  Sheldon Cooper : The ice caps are melting, Leonard. In the future, swimming isn't going to be optional.

• Sheldon Cooper : I believe I've isolated the algorithm for making friends.

  Leonard Hofstadter : Sheldon, there is no algorithm for making friends.

  Howard Wolowitz : Hear him out. If he's really onto something, we could open a booth at ComiCon; make a fortune.

• Leonard Hofstadter : Sheldon, what are you doing?

  Sheldon Cooper : I'm making friends with this little girl. What's your name?

  Rebecca : Rebecca.

  Sheldon Cooper : Hi, Rebecca. I'm your new friend, Sheldon.

  Leonard Hofstadter : [pulling Sheldon away]  No, you're not. Let's go.

  Sheldon Cooper : We were really hitting it off.

  Leonard Hofstadter : Don't look up, there's cameras.

• [Howard makes a few minor changes to Sheldon's friendship flow chart] 

  Sheldon Cooper : A loop counter and an escape to the least objectionable activity. Howard, that's brilliant! I'm surprised you saw that.

  Howard Wolowitz : [sarcastically, to Raj and Leonard]  Gee, why can't Sheldon make friends?

• Sheldon Cooper : [studying rock-climbing wall]  This appears significantly more... monolithic than it did on my laptop. Y'know, one expects to see hominids learning to use bones as weapons.

• Sheldon Cooper : I'm having some difficulty bonding with a colleague at work, so I'm doing a little research to better understand why my current friends like me.

  Penny : Yes, well, that is a good question. But is this really the best way to figure it out?

  Sheldon Cooper : I agree. The social sciences are largely hokum. But short of putting electrodes in your brain and monitoring your response to my companionship, this is the best I can do.

  Penny : Okay, question one: "Rank the following aspects of Sheldon Cooper in order of appeal: intelligence, ruthless attention to hygiene, playfulness, Java applet writing"?

  Sheldon Cooper : I know. I may have started off with a fairly obvious one. An aspect of of my most appealing trait: playfulness. Why don't you just go ahead and rank that number one? I'm afraid you're on your own for the rest. It should take you no more than three hours.

  Penny : Well, wait, how many questions are on this thing?

  Sheldon Cooper : Only two hundred and eleven. Don't worry. In deference to you, I've kept them all at a high school graduate reading level.

  Penny : [sarcastically]  Thanks, pal.

  Sheldon Cooper : You got it, buddy.

  Penny : Sheldon, honey, did you ever consider making friends by being, I don't know, pleasant?

  Sheldon Cooper : Well, that's certainly a thought-provoking hypothesis. May I suggest it as the topic for your essay?

• Sheldon Cooper : [looking through children's books on making friends]  All right, let's see. "Bernie Bunny Has Two Daddies Now". That's probably about homosexual rabbits. "Gerry the Gerbil and the Bullies on the Bus". Read it, not helpful.

• Sheldon Cooper : I've made substantial progress in bonding with Kripke, which brings me to an awkward moment.

  Leonard Hofstadter : What's that?

  Sheldon Cooper : Maintaining five friendships promises to be a Herculean task. So... I'm going to have to let one of you go.

  Howard Wolowitz : [whispering]  Me, me. Let it be me.

• Sheldon Cooper : Tsk, tsk, tsk. Your questionnaire, very disappointing.

  Leonard Hofstadter : I answered every question, Sheldon.

  Sheldon Cooper : You answered the multiple choice questions in a pattern. See, A-B-B-A-C, A-B-B-A-C.

  Leonard Hofstadter : Oh, you picked up on that, huh?

  Sheldon Cooper : Yeah, wait... How could I not?

  Leonard Hofstadter : Well, uh, come on. There's over two hundred questions. And look at some of these things. "Sheldon is to camaraderie as the space shuttle is to blank."

  Sheldon Cooper : There are a number of acceptable answers. For example, "c", near-Earth transport. But certainly not "b", avocado rancher. And your essay, suggesting that I'd have better luck making friends if I wait 'till the Cylons take over? Please.

  Leonard Hofstadter : Hold on. I put some real work into that.

  Sheldon Cooper : Yes, well, it's better than what Wolowitz did. He drew a raccoon with what appears to be a distended scrotum.

  Leonard Hofstadter : [looking at the drawing]  It's kind of cute.

  [Sheldon looks offended] 

  Leonard Hofstadter : Uh, 'till you get to the scrotum.

  Sheldon Cooper : Yeah. What hope do I have for establishing new relationships, given that my current friends apparently could not take a few hours out of their lives to help me?

  Leonard Hofstadter : Well, Sheldon, I'm not going to defend a big-balled raccoon.

  Sheldon Cooper : Oh, I don't see how you could.

• Sheldon Cooper : Oh, good. You're just in time. I believe I've isolated the algorithm for making friends.

  Leonard Hofstadter : Sheldon, there is no algorithm for making friends.

  Howard Wolowitz : Hear him out. If he's really onto something, we could open a booth at Comic-Con, make a fortune.

  Sheldon Cooper : You see, my initial approach with Kripke had the same deficiencies as those that plagued Stu the Cockatoo when he was new at the zoo.

  Rajesh Koothrappali : Stu the Cockatoo?

  Leonard Hofstadter : [sarcastic]  Yes. He's new at the zoo.

• Sheldon Cooper : Hello. This is Sheldon Cooper. I'm leaving a message for Barry Kripke. Barry, It was pleasant seeing you today in the cafeteria. I saw that you purchased the chef's salad. Apparently, you did not know that the chef's salad is kitchen trickery, to utilize scrap meat. Nevertheless, I hope you enjoyed it. I'm following up on our pending friendship, and I look forward to hearing from you regarding its status. Sheldon Cooper.